I know. It’s just a kiss. It’s not a big deal.

Well, no, not to you dear reader. You’ve likely been kissing people left and right since kindergarten.

Here’s the thing. I didn’t go to school. School was evil to my parents so they “homeschooled” us, and by that I mean they gave us textbooks and made us teach ourselves.

The last time I kissed a girl was eleven years ago when I was eight and out playing with the neighbors kids. In the years following, I was kept in the house without any outside contact and routinely physically and emotionally abused until I very recently ran away.

I have bipolar disorder (I go from manic to depressive and back again) and severe anxiety that typically comes with anxiety attacks. I also have a form of C-PTSD from the daily doses of torture my folks dished out to me.

If you didn’t do the math, I’m 19. I’m 5’11” going on 170 lbs. I have a job now, a car, an apartment, a gym membership, and rewarding hobbies in photography and music. However, the outward semblance of success hasn’t fixed me on the inside.

I’m good at pretending to be confident, and sometimes I actually do feel confident. However, most of the time I’m still that scared kid on the inside. I can be extroverted and talk to people, but most of time I’d prefer to just find a dark corner and curl up in a fucking ball. I know, I’m nothing like the typical red pilled man. But I’m trying.

Forgive my narrative style of writing. I’m a storyteller at heart. Maybe that’s beta or something, I don’t know.

So today was my day off so I was chilling at home. There’s this girl in my social circle who hit me up one night on Facebook messenger with her Snapchat and her number.

She’s an easy HB9. Easy. She’s not even a bitchy high maintenance 9. She just naturally has a face like a forest nymph and the perfect amount of curves. The first time I saw this girl, the thought didn’t even cross my mind that I’d have any kind of fighting chance. I know that’s no way to think, but it’s just the way I was thinking.

We flirted a lot but I never worked up the courage to make any kind of move. My roommate (we work at the same place) knows this girl. Unbeknownst to me, she gave him a ride home tonight, and, knowing that this girl was into me, he invited her in, then said “I’m going to the gym,” and beats his retreat. He’s such a great guy. The literal opposite of a cockblock.

So I cook some food, she plays her music, and then I pour us something to drink and we just kind of chill. I’d occasionally sing along (I’m a good singer) and she seemed to like that. At one point I realized I was too far away from her so I moved my chair closer so we were adjacent and only about a foot apart.

She had freshly done nails, so I said,

“Hmm. That’s an interesting color. It’s like a, what is it, a sort of blue green.”

“Yeah, teal.” She held up her hand to show me.

“Almost my favorite color. It’s a little bit bluer than teal. Needs more green.”

I pretended to notice something about her hands.

“Damn. You have enormous fucking hands” I said, chuckling.

“Stoooop it.” Sheepish smile. “Everyone always says that.” She was whining now, but still smiling. The tease seemed to work.

“Hey let’s compare hands.” I held my hand up, palm out, and tried to get her to place her hand on mine.

“Noooo,” laughing. “My hands aren’t big.”

“Yeah they are let’s see it.”

I held my hand out and she put hers against mine.

“Wow they really are big.” I meant it honestly this time. Her hands were soft and girly but actually weren’t that much smaller than mine.

“Oh fuck off!” She said laughing. Then she intertwined her fingers into mine, the way couples tend to do. Good sign in my book.

We continued bullshitting. I made sure to keep up the kino. I’d sway with the music and give her a little nudge with my arm when singing a particular part I liked, as so to emphasize it. I’d put my arm around her to pose for Snapchat selfies with silly filters. She tried tickling me. I’m not ticklish so I just playfully scoffed at her. Playful disapproval is something I’ve found comes naturally for me, so using it in my game was basically second nature. I also find that teasing in a flirty, but slightly belittling way works well too. She used a particular snap filter, so I took that opportunity to say that she looked like a gerbil (a small mouse-like rodent) in the pic. She tried to be mad but blushed instead.

“It’s that nose of yours” I brought up a pic of a gerbil and showed her.

“See.” And then I booped her on the nose with my finger. Might sound cringey, but it felt right and she ate it up.

She eventually had to leave.

“You leaving now?”

“Yeah.” Sounding a little bummed out.

“Okay.” I went for a hug, the kind where you cradle the persons head to your chest. My heart was fucking racing just doing that. She’s super soft and kind of sensitive and, from her perception at least, I’m the opposite. I’m on the bigger side physically due to lifting, and I try to be like a rock when I’m been around her. So I held her against me and just she melted in my arms. When we separated, our faces were about six inches apart, and though she was holding very steady eye contact with our faces that close, I chickened out. (Note: I chicken out more than once in the story).

She grabs her keys and stands up. Thats when the “oh shit” moment hit me.

She’s about to leave and I haven’t even kissed her. She’s been waiting for me to make a move and if I don’t tonight she’ll realize I’m a little bitch and never present the opportunity again.

She talked a little about where she was going and why she had to go. I stood up too. Small talk here and there. She was just kind of lingering by the door. She kept giving me this look that I soon identified as expectancy. I couldn’t just let her walk out the door.

“I’ll walk you out.” I said.

It was raining so I put an arm around her on the walk out.

She’s leaving. She’s about to step into the truck.

I needed to change the course of the conversation. So I brought up something I’d heard her talking about a few days ago when we were with some friends and colleagues.

“Hey you know that one day when you didn’t wear makeup?”

“Yeah it sucked! Nobody even recognized me!”

“Bullshit. I recognized you. The only different I noticed is that, without makeup, you have freckles. And I think they’re cute as shit.”

I pushed her hair behind her ear and was still so scared that I went for a hug. It was a good hug though. She was all about it, and moved her fingers sensually up and down my back.

When I leaned away, I kept my arms on her shoulders and looked into her eyes.

“You’re eyes have just enough green in them to be my favorite color.”

Our faces were too close for me to be scared at this point. So I kissed her, finally. Hugged her again, and then pulled away.

“Alright you should be on your way.”

“Yeah.” She said.

I kissed her again, before letting her go.

She got in the car and drove home.

This is the first of hopefully many field reports and even though I’m no perfect specimen of an alpha male, I’m making progress.

Wanted to share because it’s a huge step for me to actually make a move to begin with, and judging by how she rocked and swayed and ran her fingers along my back, losing my virginity is just a weekend away.

Peace.

Edit: Again, complain about my writing if you want. But it’s a three minute read (don’t have that big of an attention span?) and is detailed to this extent so individuals can see everything I did and have a better idea of what kind of pointers to give.