The majority of the fitness community thinks that a healthy lifestyle consists of balancing on a Bosu Ball while taking a Jamba Juice cumshot. So I can tell you right now that they are not going to approve of this post. The chubby nutritionist isn't going to approve. The Pilates reformer teacher is going to roll her eyes. The luxury fitness club manager is going to mumble some shit about resistance bands. Real fitness is about forcing your body to adapt to ever higher levels of physical stress. That fact isn't something fitness betas want to be reminded of while they're bouncing on colorful rubber balls trying to relive their childhood.

The modern gym is nothing more than a socially acceptable playground for adults. Most people are there to hurp weights and read magazines on the treadmill. After that they'll meet up with a friend over a 600 calorie latte and bullshit about their workout in an effort to convince themselves that they are not a Fitness Faggot. The easiest way to spot a Fitness Faggot is by their baby hands. Fitness Faggots don't actually lift so instead of calloused Iron Hands of Hatred they have soft silky smooth baby bitch hands. I highly recommend calling out Fitness Faggots. Doing so will increase your testosterone, eases overcrowding in gyms and makes the world a better place.

Now that the Fitness Faggots have fucked off to jumping jacks and bowflex, I can have a serious discussion with real men. If you want to see a dramatic improvement in your physique then you're going to have to make Blood Sacrifices to the Iron Gods. The only thing the fitness Gods reward is suffering. They don't give a fuck about the creativity, variety or trendiness of your workout. They couldn't care less about how many Instagram followers you have or how cool your gym clothes are. The only thing they are going to reward is suffering, pain and misery.

Blood Sacrifice
In order for your body to grow you need to push it to the limit. There are tons of great workout programs out there: 5x5 531 GVT Sheiko Smolov PHAT FST7. It doesn't matter which one you do as long as you inflict a critical amount of stress upon yourself. You have to convince your body that if it doesn't pack on muscle mass its going to be torn apart by bears. Twenty rep squats, bar bending deadlifts and heavy weighted pullups are all rituals mandated by the Iron Gods. A couple of times a week you have to fuck yourself up to such a high degree that you don't know where you are, what your name is or if you are a feminist. Only when the Iron Gods have seen your anguish and tasted your Blood Sacrifice will they bless you with gains.

Animal Sacrifice
The one thing more important than Blood Sacrifice is Animal Sacrifice. If you want to get big, animals of all shapes and sizes have to die in large quantities and find their way into your mouth. Chickens, ducks, lambs, bulls and fish must be slaughtered for the Gods' bloodthurst to be quenched. I know vegans are going to have a problem with this last statement. However one look at 29 year old vegan feminist Alana Massey is enough evidence anyone needs to avoid the nutritional clusterfuck that is vegan-hood.

Why so much meat? Because muscle tissue has all of the nutrients required to repair muscle tissue, in the same way that a ford truck has all the spare parts needed to repair a Ford truck. The fat in meat is a great source of energy for fucking shit up in the gym. Sounds pretty common sense doesn't it? Well it is.

There is nothing that liberals and intellectuals hate more than common sense which is why most nutritionists and health experts will never recommend the consumption of meat unless your on the verge of organ failure. Instead they'll tell you to eat soybeans, whey and nuts for protein. Which are all great foods. However meat absolutely rapes those foods in terms of muscle restoration properties. Woops forgot the trigger warning. Sorry Feminists.

If you don't believe me then you are welcome to try a high meat diet and see for yourself. Arnold and his training partner Ric Drasin ate a high protein, high fat, high cholesterol diet. So you can take their word for it.

That's all the information you need to become a muscle bound testament to toxic masculinity. A high meat diet and a high volume training protocol is guaranteed to appease the Iron Gods and bestow gains upon you. Whether or not you decide to put needles in your butt is your personal choice. But you are required by law to follow me on Twitter.