This isn't a "difficult situation". What we have here is a "blue pilled situation".
His brain is telling him the right thing to do - tell the kid that he's not the kids dad and leave. The turmoil is not his responsibility - it's the responsibility of the mother for her years of deception.
His blue-pilled brain is tricking him into assuming all of the responsibility because he's a man. What he should do is make the real parties responsible clean up their own messes.
She knew, or had reason to know... or everyone in this situation is really bad with basic math :)
Personally, I would tell the kid the truth sooner rather than later. The guy is already (somewhat-) emotionally attached to the kid, so if he wants to continue to co-parent, that is his prerogative, not obligation. But the boy has an absolute right to know who is real father is, and by extension, what his mother is.
Assuming that the mother knows who the father is, a paternity test in this case would not be necessary. I agree with your statement though, they should be mandated.
This is a tough one. The answer depends very much on how OP wants to continue this relationship with the mother and the child. He can't really distance himself from the mother, but not the child, or it will be very difficult to do so.
I think he is going to be causing himself huge issues with his 'half in / half out' approach. He needs to either step up and be a complete step dad, OR step away and realise that this boy is never going to be in his life.
The mid way path he is trying to tread will not work out for him, or the boy. It gives the mother too much leverage. He says that he is not on the hook right now for money....but that is in a legal sense. I guarantee you the mother will start with financial shit in ...3,2,1. That will take the form of emotional blackmail and more specifically, a regime of cash for access. OP has no legal right of access to this child, so the mother will (I guarantee it) start making demands (cash) in exchange for time with him. The child will be caught in the middle of all this. It will start at xmas or something like that, where she says she is broke and can he pay for xyz and when he says no, she will say, well, then he can't come for that second week of xmas...and he'll say 'But I booked a trip to my parents, paid for flights... ' and she'll say 'Oh so you've got money for flights, but you wont pay for our electric bill? And the lights are going out for xmas? what am I going to tell the boy'
On and on and on it will go. He has no rights, she will fuck him hard.
Source: even when you DO have rights, the woman will fuck you hard. Ask me how I know.
Also - if this woman ever does find a man unwise enough to LTR / marry her, he'll get dropped like a hot pan.
The only sane thing to do here is to pre-emptively walk away, before all the shit starts. The boy will suffer less that way. But also the man.
Will the boy really suffer less having no father? There's so many fatherless boys out there and they aren't growing up to be strong men...with a father figure of some sort the boy at least has a chance to have a strong male role model.
The monkey wrench here is the mother, for all the reasons you said. This guy could have the absolute best of intentions and get completely screwed over trying to do the right thing.
Because OP thinks he can be some sort of father, but the mother will not let him (I guarantee it). The mother will want to turn him into an offshore pay pig, on the basis of cash for access. So the mother will turn the boy into basically what amounts to a whore, an underaged whore. I promise you this will happen. OP doesn't realise it.
He is not the father. It's possible to be a great step dad, but not in this scenario. If he were living with the mother and boy, in a stable and loving relationship, there is no reason why a step father can't be as good as a biological father.
But he is not part of the family unit. So he will only be larping as a step dad, on a pay to play basis.
Raising children is very very tough. It involves a lot of conflict between mother and father. The scenario that OP describes involves him having zero control and the mother having 100% leverage. The first disagreement will see the mother go nuclear - as in "If you don't agree to my demands, you dont' get to see the boy"
OP is doing everyone in this situation a disservice (except for the real father, who should be aware he getting her pregs, ofc he didn't want to know if he was dad, he was living the af/bb scenario)
Mother - OP should have given the kid straight back to her. No co-parenting bullshit. It's not his kid. Make mom own her shit, which she already basically tried to tell OP. She literally said she was already pregnant. OP being stupid as fuck with all that foreknowledge
Himself - OP has such a boner about being a dad that he can't let go of the idea of being that kids dad. But he's not that kids dad. I understand how distressing it might be to bond with a kid and then find out later it's not yours, but ffs he was already told she was pregnant, he has no excuse. He very clearly should have
1) not assumed it was his, after all why would he? Retard.
2) even if there was a chance in hell it was his, have gotten a paternity test at birth just to be sure. Since he already knew she was pregs
The kid
This is the worst one.
1) he should have figured this shit out sooner. And given him back to mom so she could involve real dad. Mid would have grown up with his actual father (assuming the dad would have attempted to be involved, but who knows)
2) he found out when the child was 2. Had he given up involvement the child would have more than likely forgotten who the fuck he was in a couple of years. I can't remember jack before age 3 and even what I can remember is very limited. He should have relinquished involvement while the kid would have forgotten
3) now, because he is 5 years deep, he is more of a real dad than the actual father is. That's probably gonna fuck up the kid. Real dad got to skip out all of those years, is anyone really going to think here that real dad is going to want any involvement after skipping out 5 years and it suddenly gets put back on him?
How is the kid gonna react, not only to that his "dad" isn't even related to him, but that he has never once met his real dad and that his real dad doesn't want him, and that his real dad isn't even curious enough to meet him.
What the fuck? OP is being so selfish that this kid is going to end up having a ton of heart-breaking questions about his existence when he either finds out or is old enough to realize how fucked up his lack of actual fatherhood is
Kid is probably going to grow up resenting his absent father and will probably lose respect for OP when he's old enough to learn OP been raising and paying for a kid that isn't his. Eventually the kid will probably be old enough to resent how stupid OP was/is
That kid will never have gotten to spend any of his formative years with his real father and will look back at this as OP robbing him of real fatherhood. He's gonna ask OP at some point why he didn't give him back to his actual dad and ask OP when he found out at what age he found out he wasn't the dad
I think OP is being a selfish asshole in this case. If he just wants to mentor the kid or have some involvement given that he actually believed it might be his, fine, but he's selfishly roleplaying as the father when he knows better
I think you're being too hard on OP. The guy has just been through a huge trauma, and its not thinking straight. That's understandable. OP is just being unwise and naive, not selfish.
Can you imagine the trauma of having a son, for 5 years, the love of your life, and then finding out that it was all a mirage? I can't imagine it. If you know the love you feel for your son, you will know what I mean when I say I would rather go blind.
OP is being naive. He believes that the mother will allow a relationship of 'offshore step dad'. She is saying things like 'I want you to be present in his life' and he wants this to true so much that he is believing it.
A very chaotic and depressing future awaits OP as he slowly finds out that is not what is going to happen to him.
My problem is OP specifically said he found out when the child was 2, not at five years. He has gone an additional 3 knowing the truth
He also knew she was pregs before she even hit it, that's my problem with the whole story,
I'd have a different take if he found out at 5 years. He specifically says he found out the night they fucked. She said the night she fucked him that she was pregs.
And then he paternity tested at two years after saying he should have tested at birth
He knew she was pregnant the first night they hooked up. And she went well out of her way to show pics of the guy etc. He didn't find out at 5 years, she was fully honest she was pregnant the first night they fucked
That's my problem with OP. He had all the information in the world and that's why I think he's selfish.
He found out before the child could form memories and had two years to paternity test, and after doing so, went another 3 years being pretend daddy
I think you are misreading OP's words.. (admittedly, his text is not very well laid out)
He is giving the history in a single sentence. Read it again.
"Met a girl, had sex on the first night, she told me she was pregnant...."
He means that she told OP that she was pregnant months later. Otherwise this makes no sense - how could he have thought he was the father? The women then shows him 'proof' that the last guy she was with prior to him, was outside the conception window??
So your interpretation that she told him on the first night that they had sex that she was pregenant is clearly wrong.
but not your fault ... the layout of this text is poor.
Ah I see. His explanation is rather poor. He gives some example that father is outside the window.
Could be some bias on having given my opinion already, however, I think he should have relinquished the child at an age it was too young to remember him
However, I agree it would be traumatic. I'm commenting as an observer, OP had a serious bond.
I still think OP should have paternity tested at birth but hindsight is 20/20 and I'm not OP quite admittedly.
I think every single country with the means to do so should paternity test by default. It's just common sense and would discourage cheating etc. But that's another convo
thanks for commenting candidly about my interpretation, always appreciate candid critique
I'm inclined to agree with you - he should have bailed at year 2. But I think he must have been traumatised. I would be - he spent 2 years pouring his heart and soul into a beautiful baby boy that he believed firmly to be his (wife showed him 'proof' that the other guy was outside the window).
People do silly things when they are traumatised. For him, it was like losing a son. It is like losing a son.
I would love to know how this plays out. I am absolutely sure that it will not work as a 'half step dad'. No way.
Btw - the mother is almost certainly a disgusting and lying slut. She showed him 'proof' plus the baby was late, so the only explanation is that she was banging some other dude at the time.
FYI you can get a paternity test before the child is born. It's DNA is in the mother's blood. It's nice to see that covert cuckoldry is preventable. Now if we could get men to stop being overt cuckolds...
DNA tests should be mandatory at birth to avoid awkward situations likes this where the man has to ask for one (implying the gf is a whore). Maybe the reason it is not I’d because the government is aware this will lead to even more single parent homes
thats an interesting take. Mandatory DNA tests, in the hospital, same day as birth. Would be quick and easy to do, and cheap as well. If you make it mandatory, then there will be no akward discussion about 'I want to do one' 'why? dont you trust me??' etc etc.
I read somewhere that in France is actually forbidden to do DNA tests.
Mandatory DNA tests on day 1, in the hospital, by the hospital, should be a demand of all men's groups.
How is he not on the hook for the child? Is UK law that much better on this than American law? In most US states if youre the father from birth and years in, the biological side of things is irrelevant. There are a couple of decent states that let you walk out of responsibility with a paternity test but it’s not the norm.
Problematic_Browser 1 1y ago
This isn't a "difficult situation". What we have here is a "blue pilled situation".
His brain is telling him the right thing to do - tell the kid that he's not the kids dad and leave. The turmoil is not his responsibility - it's the responsibility of the mother for her years of deception.
His blue-pilled brain is tricking him into assuming all of the responsibility because he's a man. What he should do is make the real parties responsible clean up their own messes.
EmpireCrimson 1y ago
She knew, or had reason to know... or everyone in this situation is really bad with basic math :)
Personally, I would tell the kid the truth sooner rather than later. The guy is already (somewhat-) emotionally attached to the kid, so if he wants to continue to co-parent, that is his prerogative, not obligation. But the boy has an absolute right to know who is real father is, and by extension, what his mother is.
mattyanon Admin 1y ago
She more than knew, she PLANNED it like this right after getting pregnant with Chad.
Of course the real father didn't want to know...... she knew this already. Then she realises she has no support there, and fucks/cucks this poor guy.
It's one of the oldest tricks in the book.
This is fraud, and should be punished accordingly.
Overkill_Engine 2 1y ago
Paternity tests should be mandatory, on the grounds that the child has a right to know their family medical history.
EmpireCrimson 1y ago
Assuming that the mother knows who the father is, a paternity test in this case would not be necessary. I agree with your statement though, they should be mandated.
Lone_Ranger 2 1y ago
This is a tough one. The answer depends very much on how OP wants to continue this relationship with the mother and the child. He can't really distance himself from the mother, but not the child, or it will be very difficult to do so.
I think he is going to be causing himself huge issues with his 'half in / half out' approach. He needs to either step up and be a complete step dad, OR step away and realise that this boy is never going to be in his life.
The mid way path he is trying to tread will not work out for him, or the boy. It gives the mother too much leverage. He says that he is not on the hook right now for money....but that is in a legal sense. I guarantee you the mother will start with financial shit in ...3,2,1. That will take the form of emotional blackmail and more specifically, a regime of cash for access. OP has no legal right of access to this child, so the mother will (I guarantee it) start making demands (cash) in exchange for time with him. The child will be caught in the middle of all this. It will start at xmas or something like that, where she says she is broke and can he pay for xyz and when he says no, she will say, well, then he can't come for that second week of xmas...and he'll say 'But I booked a trip to my parents, paid for flights... ' and she'll say 'Oh so you've got money for flights, but you wont pay for our electric bill? And the lights are going out for xmas? what am I going to tell the boy'
On and on and on it will go. He has no rights, she will fuck him hard.
Source: even when you DO have rights, the woman will fuck you hard. Ask me how I know.
Also - if this woman ever does find a man unwise enough to LTR / marry her, he'll get dropped like a hot pan.
The only sane thing to do here is to pre-emptively walk away, before all the shit starts. The boy will suffer less that way. But also the man.
RedPirate751 1y ago
Will the boy really suffer less having no father? There's so many fatherless boys out there and they aren't growing up to be strong men...with a father figure of some sort the boy at least has a chance to have a strong male role model.
The monkey wrench here is the mother, for all the reasons you said. This guy could have the absolute best of intentions and get completely screwed over trying to do the right thing.
Lone_Ranger 2 1y ago
Yes, I think the boy will suffer less.
Because OP thinks he can be some sort of father, but the mother will not let him (I guarantee it). The mother will want to turn him into an offshore pay pig, on the basis of cash for access. So the mother will turn the boy into basically what amounts to a whore, an underaged whore. I promise you this will happen. OP doesn't realise it.
He is not the father. It's possible to be a great step dad, but not in this scenario. If he were living with the mother and boy, in a stable and loving relationship, there is no reason why a step father can't be as good as a biological father.
But he is not part of the family unit. So he will only be larping as a step dad, on a pay to play basis.
Raising children is very very tough. It involves a lot of conflict between mother and father. The scenario that OP describes involves him having zero control and the mother having 100% leverage. The first disagreement will see the mother go nuclear - as in "If you don't agree to my demands, you dont' get to see the boy"
I guarantee it.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
@bozza
OP is doing everyone in this situation a disservice (except for the real father, who should be aware he getting her pregs, ofc he didn't want to know if he was dad, he was living the af/bb scenario)
Mother - OP should have given the kid straight back to her. No co-parenting bullshit. It's not his kid. Make mom own her shit, which she already basically tried to tell OP. She literally said she was already pregnant. OP being stupid as fuck with all that foreknowledge
Himself - OP has such a boner about being a dad that he can't let go of the idea of being that kids dad. But he's not that kids dad. I understand how distressing it might be to bond with a kid and then find out later it's not yours, but ffs he was already told she was pregnant, he has no excuse. He very clearly should have
1) not assumed it was his, after all why would he? Retard.
2) even if there was a chance in hell it was his, have gotten a paternity test at birth just to be sure. Since he already knew she was pregs
The kid
This is the worst one.
1) he should have figured this shit out sooner. And given him back to mom so she could involve real dad. Mid would have grown up with his actual father (assuming the dad would have attempted to be involved, but who knows)
2) he found out when the child was 2. Had he given up involvement the child would have more than likely forgotten who the fuck he was in a couple of years. I can't remember jack before age 3 and even what I can remember is very limited. He should have relinquished involvement while the kid would have forgotten
3) now, because he is 5 years deep, he is more of a real dad than the actual father is. That's probably gonna fuck up the kid. Real dad got to skip out all of those years, is anyone really going to think here that real dad is going to want any involvement after skipping out 5 years and it suddenly gets put back on him?
How is the kid gonna react, not only to that his "dad" isn't even related to him, but that he has never once met his real dad and that his real dad doesn't want him, and that his real dad isn't even curious enough to meet him.
What the fuck? OP is being so selfish that this kid is going to end up having a ton of heart-breaking questions about his existence when he either finds out or is old enough to realize how fucked up his lack of actual fatherhood is
Kid is probably going to grow up resenting his absent father and will probably lose respect for OP when he's old enough to learn OP been raising and paying for a kid that isn't his. Eventually the kid will probably be old enough to resent how stupid OP was/is
That kid will never have gotten to spend any of his formative years with his real father and will look back at this as OP robbing him of real fatherhood. He's gonna ask OP at some point why he didn't give him back to his actual dad and ask OP when he found out at what age he found out he wasn't the dad
I think OP is being a selfish asshole in this case. If he just wants to mentor the kid or have some involvement given that he actually believed it might be his, fine, but he's selfishly roleplaying as the father when he knows better
OP is being selfish IMO
Lone_Ranger 2 1y ago
I think you're being too hard on OP. The guy has just been through a huge trauma, and its not thinking straight. That's understandable. OP is just being unwise and naive, not selfish.
Can you imagine the trauma of having a son, for 5 years, the love of your life, and then finding out that it was all a mirage? I can't imagine it. If you know the love you feel for your son, you will know what I mean when I say I would rather go blind.
OP is being naive. He believes that the mother will allow a relationship of 'offshore step dad'. She is saying things like 'I want you to be present in his life' and he wants this to true so much that he is believing it.
A very chaotic and depressing future awaits OP as he slowly finds out that is not what is going to happen to him.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
My problem is OP specifically said he found out when the child was 2, not at five years. He has gone an additional 3 knowing the truth
He also knew she was pregs before she even hit it, that's my problem with the whole story,
I'd have a different take if he found out at 5 years. He specifically says he found out the night they fucked. She said the night she fucked him that she was pregs.
And then he paternity tested at two years after saying he should have tested at birth
He knew she was pregnant the first night they hooked up. And she went well out of her way to show pics of the guy etc. He didn't find out at 5 years, she was fully honest she was pregnant the first night they fucked
That's my problem with OP. He had all the information in the world and that's why I think he's selfish.
He found out before the child could form memories and had two years to paternity test, and after doing so, went another 3 years being pretend daddy
Lone_Ranger 2 1y ago
I think you are misreading OP's words.. (admittedly, his text is not very well laid out)
He is giving the history in a single sentence. Read it again.
"Met a girl, had sex on the first night, she told me she was pregnant...."
He means that she told OP that she was pregnant months later. Otherwise this makes no sense - how could he have thought he was the father? The women then shows him 'proof' that the last guy she was with prior to him, was outside the conception window??
So your interpretation that she told him on the first night that they had sex that she was pregenant is clearly wrong.
but not your fault ... the layout of this text is poor.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
Ah I see. His explanation is rather poor. He gives some example that father is outside the window.
Could be some bias on having given my opinion already, however, I think he should have relinquished the child at an age it was too young to remember him
However, I agree it would be traumatic. I'm commenting as an observer, OP had a serious bond.
I still think OP should have paternity tested at birth but hindsight is 20/20 and I'm not OP quite admittedly.
I think every single country with the means to do so should paternity test by default. It's just common sense and would discourage cheating etc. But that's another convo
thanks for commenting candidly about my interpretation, always appreciate candid critique
Lone_Ranger 2 1y ago
I'm inclined to agree with you - he should have bailed at year 2. But I think he must have been traumatised. I would be - he spent 2 years pouring his heart and soul into a beautiful baby boy that he believed firmly to be his (wife showed him 'proof' that the other guy was outside the window).
People do silly things when they are traumatised. For him, it was like losing a son. It is like losing a son.
I would love to know how this plays out. I am absolutely sure that it will not work as a 'half step dad'. No way.
Btw - the mother is almost certainly a disgusting and lying slut. She showed him 'proof' plus the baby was late, so the only explanation is that she was banging some other dude at the time.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
Okay I'm starting to see this misinterpretation here
She was showing him proof to make OP look like the dad..
Wow I misread OPs terribly worded post pretty badly
Yes. Lying slut or was still fucking the same (or worse) a third dude raw
whytehorse2021 1y ago
FYI you can get a paternity test before the child is born. It's DNA is in the mother's blood. It's nice to see that covert cuckoldry is preventable. Now if we could get men to stop being overt cuckolds...
BanjoPete 1y ago
DNA tests should be mandatory at birth to avoid awkward situations likes this where the man has to ask for one (implying the gf is a whore). Maybe the reason it is not I’d because the government is aware this will lead to even more single parent homes
Lone_Ranger 2 1y ago
thats an interesting take. Mandatory DNA tests, in the hospital, same day as birth. Would be quick and easy to do, and cheap as well. If you make it mandatory, then there will be no akward discussion about 'I want to do one' 'why? dont you trust me??' etc etc.
I read somewhere that in France is actually forbidden to do DNA tests.
Mandatory DNA tests on day 1, in the hospital, by the hospital, should be a demand of all men's groups.
nicknack 1y ago
How is he not on the hook for the child? Is UK law that much better on this than American law? In most US states if youre the father from birth and years in, the biological side of things is irrelevant. There are a couple of decent states that let you walk out of responsibility with a paternity test but it’s not the norm.