When I was but a young frustrated 18 year old boy, rejection was an unbearable result to endure.

It goes without saying that I did not even dare to ask a girl out. Not in my entire four years in high school. I was far too afraid of her rejecting me. The rejection not being her saying "no" to going out sometime, the rejection being an assault on my delusions of myself. It would prove that I was not as cool as I pretended to be, was not as brave as I pretended to be, I was not anything at all like what I sold to people what I was. Simultaneously, if she said no, it would destroy the daily fantasies I would dream up about her. As long as I didn't ask her out, I could pretend that maybe she did secretly like me.

This cowardly protection of my pride poisoned me further than just relationships with women. Putting in job applications revealed how fragile my self image really was. Filling out an application and getting not even a call back, filled me with rage and confusion. "What is even the point of filling these things out if I don't get a job? What a waste of my valuable time!" As an inexperienced dweeb as an 18 year old, my time was not valuable. It didn't cost me much of anything to spend it reaching out to employers. The poison goes deeper. I was afraid of trying anything creative. I was afraid of rejecting myself. I didn't want to paint or write or learn how to play the guitar, because it would prove that I wasn't as talented as I told myself. Even though I really wanted to do these things. This lead to even worse behaviors. I would hate on other peoples success's, other peoples dreams. I had this weird fixation of despising Kobe Bryant. I was a Sacramento Kings fan and the Lakers beat them in the playoffs over and over. I would say he was a cheater and I hated his arrogant smile. I hated other people's favorite movies and music and sports stars, in an attempt to seem smart and different. Stealing people's positive vibes. I would even do it to attractive girls, insuring I would never get them in bed. What did I care? I wasn't going to try anyway. It gets worse.

The only way to escape the negative, hating, self absorbed, douche bag I had become, was to drink. I was unsurprisingly never invited to any parties in high school. At the very end of Senior year I was invited by a very cool baseball star Chad to his end of the year party, he was a really nice guy. It was there that I first found alcohol and it became my new way of life. No longer did I have to worry about girls or success or being a better person. I could just hate everything and feel good about it with a beer in my hand.

Before I write an entire 500 page book about my 15 year alcoholic career (coming soon!), let us circle back to what caused all this. My fear and frustration with women was all encompassing. I have pinpointed all my problems arising out of this fundamental issue of sexual frustration. Women are an amazing litmus test to reflect just how far your maturity level is. No matter how rich or good looking you are: if you can not overcome rejection, if you can not handle being made fun or lied to or tested. Then you will be deemed unworthy of the pleasures of sex.

I had to work on so many things about myself to be able to talk and ask women out. These deep rooted problems won't get fixed overnight, it takes years. I never went out of my way to talk to girl I wanted to have sex with, until I was 27. I never had sex with a girl I picked, until I was 28. I had sex with two girls up to that point, only by sheer luck of being the right guy, at the right time, with the right amount of booze.

Today I love writing. It is something I can do to calm my mind, gives me purpose, helps me dissolve problems down and uncovers truths about myself. I no longer fear putting something out in the world and having someone tear it apart in the comments. Although it can still hurt, it doesn't stop me from doing it. I was juggling three girls one year and then lost them all. My most recent relationship, I went against my better judgment and had an LTR for 2 years with the most beautiful girl I have ever been with, she left me after I told her I didn't want to get married. It still hurt really bad, but she was a fruit of getting over my own crippling and poisonous, fear of rejection. The pain I felt at the end was not even comparable to how much enjoyment we had for 2 years. The juice was worth the squeeze.

Now, I put out job applications that get no response, I hit on girls that tell me they have a boyfriend, I write articles that no one reads, I talk to strangers without trying to gain anything, I ceased drinking for no one other than myself—I don't need to drink just to fit in. If you depend on validation from the world, before you can attempt anything, you will be waiting around a long, long time, never doing anything. Your self esteem, decaying.

These things I do now, that seemingly yield no physical results, always make me feel good about myself. I have never regretted trying to ask a girl out yet. I don't feel upset when I put things out into the world and get no response. That does not outweigh my own personal satisfaction of engaging in the action.

You can't fail forever. She will eventually say yes, a job will call back, someone will be impacted by your work.

No one will know you as the guy who got rejected 1,000 times, they will know you as the guy who showed up with a good looking girl. The guy who got a job. The guy who writes because he likes to.