AITA for rejecting my boyfriend's proposal because I'd lose my health insurance and alimony?
I (44F) divorced my ex husband ( 47M) 2 years ago and have been dating my boyfriend (45M) since ( no cheating) . My ex and I were fighting a lot, but the divorce was less litigious than expected.
My ex husband " James" and I were married for 21 years. In the state of Massachusetts, I as his ex spouse was able to stay on his group health insurance. In addition, the judge ordered that since I stayed home to raise our 4 kids ( 21M, 19F, 18M, 16M) that I get alimony for life, or until I ( only I, not my ex) remarried.
In terms of health insurance, I'd lose it if either James or I remarried. However, James has been very open about the fact that he hates the idea of marriage/ marrying again even more than he hates me still be covered under his health insurance policy.
His exact words were " Well, luckily for you, it's not emotionally or financially cost effective for me to marry just to get you off my health insurance,"
For the entire length of our marriage, part of the reason I didn't work is because my ex is a doctor and after doing calculations, we realized I'd never make enough to even get close to covering the childcare costs for 4 kids. I checked and saw that if I had continued my administrative job, I'd be making $17 an hour today. I have no chance of making even that now.
My boyfriend and I are very much in love. In many ways I wish I'd met him first. He's empathetic, and unlike my ex, he values work life balance instead of running between a private practice and the psych ward at a county hospital to work 24/7.
However, my boyfriend and I don't live together and besides small presents to each other, we pay for ourselves. Things were good but my boyfriend changed after I had a pregnancy scare. He said that if I get pregnant again, he wants us to be living under one roof, and not like two divorced parents. So he proposed. I was upset, but had to turn it down because love aside, this was my health insurance and only source of income on the line.
I didn't understand why my boyfriend was so upset and didn't understand. He is a case manager at a nonprofit and we'd be living on half the income I'm currently living on ( if we take out child support) and that is bound to create tension on both sides. AITA?
Just want to add, we cannot move in together either. As the archaic family court laws would see that and assume that my boyfriend and i would be sharing finances or i would be in some supported by my boyfriend by the fact of us moving in together.
If I could move in together with him and not lose my benefits, we'd be doing so.
My response:
I(44F) divorced my ex husband...
...unlike my ex, (new guy) values work life balance instead of (making money)
If I could move in together with him and not lose my benefits, we'd be doing so.
So you divorced your husband because he was spending his time making lots of money, and now instead of standing on your own two feet, you want to be with a guy who will spend his time with you while you get to keep the money.
Did I miss anything?
Yeah... YTA.
Oddest-One-Here 10mo ago
You don't get to have it both ways? WAAAAAAH!
ogrilla99 Mod 1y ago
Great find! God, there's so much wrong with her thinking, I actually think her first husband still came out ahead by divorcing this woman!
I remember having a discussion with a woman co-worker years ago. She was actually great, and we were talking about seeing a lot of driven, ambitious women who would get married to a high powered guy and then quit their jobs to stay at home. We both agreed that was a bad idea. It's not about the money. It's that, if they can't channel that ambition and drive into their career, they'll inevitably channel it into the house, either becoming overbearing, helicopter parents that obsess over the color of their 2 year old's poop, and/or driving their husband insane when all he wants to do is come home and relax. Better to let them burn off that energy at work, and let husband and wife both view the home as a respite from work, rather than the wife viewing the home as her new work.
It's so nice that your new boyfriend "values work/life balance" but also can't make even half of what you get in child support (as she states later). Do you realize if you met that guy first, you'd be living in poverty, probably in a small apartment, and unable to afford to have kids? That's not work-life balance. That's choosing your own life over the life of the people that need you. I mean, whatever work he's doing, doesn't provide health insurance, which is why you're sticking so desperately to your husband's. It takes a special kind of irresponsibility to enter your 40s and still refuse to get a job that provides decent health insurance. It's called a ticking time bomb, and when it goes off, your work-life balance guy will end up in the equivalent of debtor's prison trying to pay back all his medical bills.
I bet she actually met (and fucked) a lot of these guys in her youth. And then she realized none of them were going to pay her bills, so she latched on to a BB. And then complained when that BB did what he had to do to provide for 4 kids and a wife. She stuck that landing off the cock carousel double-perfectly. She got the BB to pay for 20 years of not having to work, and getting 4 kids, and then, she gets that BB to pay for her to get back on the carousel, except now, she doesn't have to worry about finding an AF who can pay her bills, since she's getting them paid for life anyway.
A bit of a tangent, but this woman says she looks up her position and it currently pays $17/hr. Literally McDonald's pays more than that. It's probably less than minimum wage in MA. She didn't have an administrative job. She had some low-level position that paid less than the janitor did 20 years ago. She has no idea how lucky she was in finding a BB that lifted her out of poverty. The life of some young girl working minimum wage 30 years ago was not pretty. And if she married Mr. work/life balance who made about as much as her, they'd be living in some shithole apartment barely scraping by without 2 nickels to rub together. Forget about health insurance. Her one luxury item would be a beat up old car that she has to pray every day for it to start, because she doesn't have any money for repairs. To complain that her husband wasn't around is the height of ingratitude.
"We pay for ourselves." No, he pays for himself, your ex-husband still pays for you. At least fucking acknowledge where your income is coming from.
"Archaic family court laws". Hahahaha. So when they find that your ex-husband must provide for you for life because you're just a poor little woman who can't get a job, it's progressive. But when they find that, once you get another man in your life, it becomes his responsibility to provide for you, it's archaic. Got it.
Anyway, I guess I could go on, but this is absolutely typical of these entitled ex-wives. To them, alimony isn't something given because society can't stand to see women suffer, just like welfare, which is also reduced when a person finds a job. No, she earned it. It's payment for "sacrificing" for 20 years by "giving up" her dead end shitty job paying poverty wages, and "allowing" some guy to work his ass off to provide for a wife and 4 kids. A relationship that gave you a stable home, luxuries, and 4 children while allowing you to not work is apparently not a privilege for which she should at least be thankful for, even if she decides to leave it. No, it was apparently torture, and alimony is reparations for being forced into such a horrible thing.
Lone_Ranger 1y ago
The highest paid job for women is being a bitch.
Let me explain - do an analysis of the richest 100,000 women in the USA. You will quickly find out that more than 70% of them got their wealth in divorces. The remainder inherited wealth that a man created. The % of women that create wealth from the sweat of their brow is so tiny as to be not worth noting. It's so rare that when it happens, they make a movie out of it! (Joy, 2015 The story of Miracle Mop).
Being a bitch is the best course of action for women, because it is so lucrative. Women should forget about studying and going to college - they should really to to a special Bitch Institute, where they can learn how to marry rich men then take half their wealth.
NOTE - we created this situation. We should not stand back and wonder why all women are bitches. We created a massive set of incentives for women to be bitches. The only way this will change is if we change the set of incentives. My suggestion is that in the event of divorce (with kids), the highest paid parent gets the kids, and the other parent gets to leave with one suitcase of clothes, and that's it. Forever. In the event of divorce without kids, you get what you brought in, plus whatever you put in during the marraige.
Seems fair enough to me, now that we have equal pay by law.
Vermillion-Rx 1y ago
Not the asshole
Her current boyfriend is actually the asshole for expecting a normal relationship after being together for two years and expecting his serious LTR to cut off her ex at some point. Selfish, needs to lower his expectations
/s
On a serious note this woman should have disclosed this at the beginning. She just wasted this man's 2 years. He's dodging a bullet. 4 kids and an ex she won't cut off. Sheesh. What a calculating woman
Overkill_Engine Endorsed 1y ago
Holy fuck what a cunt. Dude was busting his ass making bank to support her and the kids. 21 years? Hmm, something about that number....
Gee, wonder why she decided to pull the trigger right then.
Vermillion-Rx 1y ago
Good find. She did her research. Evidently she has a PhD in being a succubus
Overkill_Engine Endorsed 1y ago
Yeah this cunt was more than capable of finding a part time job once the youngest was in K-12 school, which would still leave plenty of time for housework and afterschool childcare. She had nearly 10-15 years to establish an employment history and up to date job skills, she just didn't want to. And it would have been illegal for him to force her to stay home.
She chose her lack of employability.
Vermillion-Rx 1y ago
Probably for the same reason she won't marry her bf. Whatever job she could have gotten probably wouldn't have paid for as much
The best icing on the cake is going to be when her ex husband remarries and she loses all that stuff anyway and loses the one guy she ever had a last chance with (her current bf)
Edit: I see your point. She was still married at the time. Yes she could have gotten part time work
Impressive-Cricket-8 Mod 1y ago
Would they be wrong, though?
Oddest-One-Here 1y ago
They're archaic in that they treat women like they were never given the right to go out and earn themselves a paycheck.
Lone_Ranger 1y ago
And everywhere in the 1st world policy makers are scratching their heads and wondering;
"Why do we have falling birth rates? Why is new household formation falling off a cliff? Why are young men choosing to NOT settle down, get married and have kids?"
This post is the answer. Men want to settle down, get married and have kids. BUT, not at any cost.
I like driving my car. In fact, I really like it. But, if you told me that there is a 50:50 chance of crashing that car and having an uninsured loss that will reduce my standard of living by more than 50% every time I get in that car, then I would choose to NOT drive.
Men are the rational of the species. The governments of the west have changed the rules of the game so that its not worth it for men to play the settle down game any more.
nicknack 1y ago
It's more than 50% failure in the west because of women and laws like this.
No thank you. She basically had him spend his whole life as a wage slave only to hand over the money to some bitch who left him for a man she wishes she met first and he has to finance both of their lives while he dies alone.
Nty.
Lone_Ranger 1y ago
yup.
And it shows no sign of slowing down. If anything, its getting worse.
Her post is insane. She wants an wage slave ex husband to provide the cash. and a boyfriend for the tingles. and she's still not happpppppyyyyy.
whytehorse2021 1y ago
This is why you don't get with a 44yr old divorced single mother of 4. She's just a couple years away from menopause, her hole has more miles than a 20yr old Mack truck, and the kids will be like YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD!!! These women are fun to fuck but beyond that just nothing but problems.
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