My parents didn’t raise me how I would’ve preferred to be raised. And I don’t just feel that way because I discovered TRP.
My mother, and her obsessive overprotective traits, stifled any normal social upbringing I could of had. I wasn’t allowed to hang out with friends or have a birthday party in fear of getting ill, I couldn’t do sports or swim in fear of getting injured. It got so bad that I never had a normal birthday party with friends as kid or teenager growing up, never had the opportunity to try anything new, etc. I hid every single bit of my social life that I did have, hoping she wouldn’t destroy that too.
At first, I thought my father understood what I was going through. I figured he was just allowing my mom to be her petty self towards me so he wouldn’t have to hear her bitching every night. It turns out, I was wrong.
The first time I confronted him about this was when I was around 15/16. We were at a boys trip with the rest of the men in the family at a cabin in the woods. That summer, I went to summer school and befriended a girl who became my first everything. First time hanging out alone with someone (at all), first time being allowed to go to someone else’s birthday party, etc.
And I overhear my father talking to my uncle… “I think he has a girlfriend”. My heart sank. To think that after the way he raised me, that I was somehow capable enough of getting a girlfriend when I could barely have guy friends was fucking insulting. I lashed out at him, told him everything how I really felt… “But it’s OK to have a girlfriend”. I felt defeated, like as if I didn’t even know who my father really was anymore.
Fast-forward almost a decade later to now, not a whole lot has changed with the dynamic of me and my parents. I still don’t tell them anything about my social life or personal life. The dynamic got better when I left the house at 18 to join the Army, but has gone considerably more sour since I moved across the country last year and only see my parents on holidays instead of every other weekend.
Now in my mid-20s, my dad is starting to pull the “when will you get married” types of questions. The first time he popped this question was right after a LTR ended (which he never knew about), and my cousin got arrested. The conversation got a bit touchy but I told him that this was a bridge he burnt a long time ago, so stop trying to make it worse.
Now this weekend, he had the audacity to try and set me up with his friend’s daughter, whom I probably haven’t seen since I was like 10 years old, under the guise of coming to a BBQ with his friends. After finding out I wasn’t coming, he says “Oh but [friend’s daughter] is here and she has no one to talk to” to which I not-so playfully said “Not my problem”. I knew exactly what he was insinuating here. He comes home with this smug look on this face, stares me down and walks away before saying “I hope my face says it all”.
After I finally get him to start talking, he finally admits his covert actions of trying to set me up with her. To which I properly told him how insulting that feels and that I don’t give a fuck. “Fine, you don’t deserve a wonderful woman like her. You deserve nothing to be your miserable self.”
This shit is starting to get on my nerves to the point where I might just get on a plane back to my house.
How the fuck do I have a man-to-man conversation? How am I supposed to get this all of my chest? How am I supposed to tell him that he can’t just “bro” up me after being nothing like that when I was child?
[deleted] 1y ago
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Durek_The_Bald 1y ago
You can now, and it'll still improve you social skills.
You can now, and it'll still improve your body.
You do now.
Wat? What's insulting about your father thinking you're capable of getting a girl? Would you rather he saw you as a loser?
But you don't live with them anymore. It shouldn't still be that relevant to you. So you gotta stick out a few holidays every now and then. Big deal. You're just using your relationship to your parents as an excuse by this point.
You're being petty and dramatic. Nobody's parents are perfect. Generational gaps etc, they don't get everything. Let it go. It's not just your father burning that bridge. It's you continuing doing it as well, by being hung up on the past, and using it as an excuse to arrest your own development. You're a grown up now. Time to think and act like a grown up.
Again, he's trying to help you out, and seems to have a bit of faith in you. Again, this is pretty, dramatic 14-year-old "my parents suck" mentality.. You're what, 26?
Oh no! How terrible of him! Is there a crisis management team we can call for you?
Man's got a point.
Good. Then do that. It'll be the first sign of agency you've demonstrated so far.
Just stop with the petty, victimhood complex drama, and grow up. You can't have a "man-to-man" with anyone if you aren't a man.
financehardo420 1y ago
Everything said here is facts
Durek_The_Bald 1y ago
The Godfather - "You can act like a man!"
https://youtu.be/7nqcgUDoV_M
financehardo420 1y ago
I kinda get it but you’re sounding like a little bitch. It just seems like you had an overprotecting mom (a lot more common than you’d think) and a father that failed to maintain a dominant frame in his household. My first go at college I dropped out and came home with about 150k in cash. Instead of letting me try school again; my dad confiscated my bread and said I’d only be allowed to get it back when he decided I was mature enough for college.
I stayed home with my parents for 3 fuckin years. In my early 20s. Sure for the longest time I hated the fuck outta my dad for it. And I won’t lie it still pisses me off to this day… but a big part of stoicism (and being a man) is accepting the things you can’t change and focusing on what matters and is within your control.
I’ll never get those years back; it’s a sunk cost. I can hate my dad about it and never talk to him again but that would be disrespectful to God. No matter how much I disagree with my parents I will always do my best to honor them bc they came from a third world country to give me a better chance. And despite the harshness from my father; in retrospect it all made me tough as nails and I’m grateful for that.
You had a roof over your head, clothes on your back, and food in your stomach. A little gratitude never hurt anyone… reflect on what you have to be thankful for regarding your parents and I’m 100% sure your hatred will fade with time.
Durek_The_Bald 1y ago
Well said.
financehardo420 1y ago
I also think it’s like a common thing for young men to not get along w their dads at least at first. too much testosterone bumpin heads lol
timmytaliban 1y ago
I’m in line with that, or perhaps I’m truly not. As pissed as I am about that, I’m not angry at my father for not making me talk to girls. That’s a concept I never would of imagined had I never found TRP years ago.
I’m more pissed that I can’t let go of this. It hurts me to think that I would get so angry to talk about women or my friends infront of my parents. I can’t let go of the bad habits and shitty coping mechanisms around them.
financehardo420 1y ago
Yeah but like how long are you going to sit and blame your parents for not having been able to have fun/do your own thing in high school haha high school times are literally so irrelevant.
You’re a big boy now; you have your own bankroll. You mentioned you had an LTR so I’m going to assume you’ve made friends/have been able to have a normal social life ever since leaving their care.
Trust man having overprotective parents growing up isn’t a reason to hate them for the rest of your life. They’re the only family you’ve got and them pestering you about grandkids is prob bc they’re getting old and want to have time w grandkids before they die. Take advantage of the time you have left before it’s gone. Patch your relationship, swallow your pride n try to get to know your dad better.
timmytaliban 1y ago
That’s not what my problem is. After re-reading, I see how this post looks like a rant along those lines.
My problem is that I’m angry and I perceive anything they do regarding asking about my social life as them trying to pry and destroy it like they did when I was a kid. (Thanks to the other user for this perspective)
I wish I could just talk to my parents about these things like I normally do with any other normal person in my life.
I talked to my dad about this, and he said “Your mother was one thing, but I tried my best” and it definitely took some anger off my shoulders.
whytehorse2021 1y ago
Welcome to the big club, bud. Narcissistic mom and dad in her frame. Why don't you tell her and your dad to fuck off? They are just being selfish about wanting grandchildren. They don't give a fuck about you. Former army here... HOOOAH!! Nobody came to my graduations, my wedding, birthdays. Sometimes you just get a shit family and go find a new one. Learn to set boundaries and enforce them. Respect yourself. I believe in you.
adam-l Moderator 1y ago
Your anger towards your father distorts your perception. You are interpreting his attempts to help you as attempts to dominate you.
The thing is, at some level, you may be right. He might be 70% trying to help, 30% trying to dominate, or something along these lines. Or not. You (and we) cannot know.
This is one of the things you have to unpack yourself, and you might need some professional help for that. Not specifically for the relationship to your father: you are a grown up now, you have no father, he's just another grown up with whom you interact. Not for him, then. But because this probably gets transferred to your other relationships as well. It's not by accident that you chose to enlist to the military, which basically reproduces the hierarchical relationship of the father to the son: you did it so that you could have another chance at processing that dynamic.
timmytaliban 1y ago
It has definitely distorted my perception. It never really sat well with me how someone I perceived as being enabler of my past problems trying to reverse course later in on in life. I did talk to my father about this.
AbusiveFather1 1y ago
By being a man and talking to one. It may be impossible in this case, if your father isn’t really a man. If so, you can at best hope to have a human conversation.
Nevertheless, don’t be too harsh on your dad or yourself: it’s children having children, not knowing how to raise a kid because they themselves weren’t raised properly.
The best you can do is to be the father that you needed to your own kids.
timmytaliban 1y ago
Thanks for the reply. I did end up talking to my father, and it went well.