Stumbled onto this forum by chance, seemed like a sound place to get advice / support.
I met a bird a couple of months before going overseas and stayed in contact while I was over there. Ended up coming home after a couple of months because the covid thing would've prevented me from travelling around anyway and I was running out of cash due to not being disciplined with what I had. I ended up moving in with her despite the fact she wasn't really in the ballpark looks wise and had questionable leftist views like most (((modern women))) because she'd been pretty good to me before I left and seemed like she would be a good mum. Long story short I knocked her up shortly after I got back. Not planned, but I was still stoked because I'd been wanting to start a family for awhile. Since then, things have continued to go downhill.
She was about 15kg overweight when we met but was doing Crossfit and seemed intent on getting fit. During the pregnancy her weight ballooned and now after the birth of a second child she's more than 30kg overweight with no signs of interest in losing it. I havent fucked her in over a year because to be frank, physical attraction aside I just cant stand her. Instead of being prudent and living with her for at least a year to observe any craziness or liberal stupidity that wasnt previously apparent, I got her pregnant after only knowing her a few months and then stupidly did the same thing again - even after it was obvious there was severe problems in the relationship.
Because she is from overseas and was tied to her job in order to stay in the country, I opted to be the primary carer and stay at home to look after my daughter (and now also my son) while she went to work. At the time, despite my instincts telling me it was a bad idea to allow the woman to be the provider, I wanted to start my own business and thought I would have more time to do so if I wasnt the one working full time. I guess there was also an element of trust there that I thought she would support my dream, but of course despite her saying as much she really secretly resented that I got to play Mr Mom and spend all day with the kids and accused me of "stealing her job" after the first year.
Subsequently I have put myself in an untenable position. I have a casual job that I get very little hours at (and obv little pay) and am reliant on her as the breadwinner. I would like out and to start over again with a younger woman with more traditional family values and less liberal retardation and who I am sexually attracted to. However my kids are my whole world. The thought that I would only get to see them for a weekend every couple of weeks breaks my heart. The matter is also further complicated in that I live in a country where you cant put your kids in day care if they havent been vaccinated which I refuse to do. So now I'm stuck. I've been out of the workforce almost 4 years, have no savings or financial resources. If I leave I start all over again with nothing, as well as the constant splinter in my heart that I've left 2 beautiful kids behind to suffer without a father in the home, as well as the knowledge that they will certainly not be raised the way I would like them to, as my ideas are diametrically opposed to hers.
She works for the govt and works with children, whereas I have political views that are not how can I say, popular at this moment in time. I will not win custody in the family court, nor do I have the financial resources to get a good lawyer and put up much of a fight anyway - esp with how I will be painted out, despite the fact I have looked after those 2 kids as good if not better than any woman. The mistakes I have made are massive and if there was no kids involved I would've bounced inside the first year. Now I'm isolated, with no resources, no real way forward and the incredible weight on my shoulders that 2 innocent little children that didnt ask to be brought into this world will suffer because of my mistakes.
How effed am I?
I cant stick it out with her for much longer as things will just continue to get nastier even if I refuse to engage. She honestly repulses me now and I'm mindboggled as to what I ever saw in her in the first place. I think I settled because I was afraid of going into my 40's and still not having kids, as well as I ignored obvious red flags and overestimated my ability to read women. Obviously, she was very much on her best behaviour when we first met and as time went on (and after she got pregnant) her true self came out more and more. I've lost about 5kg recently, will continue to work on self improvement and looksmaxxing and on controlling my emotions when dealing with her. But with 2 small children to look after during the day and a sleep disorder that makes me feel tired all the time, I am really struggling to find the time and energy to get my business idea rolling and carve a pathway towards financial independence. At this stage, she has me by the fucking balls and she knows it.
Fuck : /
Acela_nextel 1y ago
Tell her to get a abortion
Maquereau 1y ago
Because she's fat and looks pregnant? LOL
Impressive-Cricket-8 1y ago
You need an exit plan. You won't be able to get out in a week or two, but you have to start planning now for the next few months or few years.
Get a lawyer. If you don't have money for one right now, check whatever free resources are there (there's probably some lawyers doing pro bono work, or public defendants). While reading about the law applicable to your case won't be the same as having it explained to you by someone who practices it, it probably won't cause harm either. Learn about your rights - especially if you're considering starting a business while still with her; maybe it'd be better to just get a regular job and keep the business for after you split.
Start saving some money. Make an account in your name only (if you can do so legally; otherwise think about how you can work around that) and keep it under the wraps.
Get your health under control. You mentioned a sleep disorder; get it checked and sorted out.
Shut the fuck up. Don't talk about whatever can be used to paint you in a bad light when shit hits the fan. Yeah, it's important to have political views and stand by them, but right now you're in enemy territory. Don't order three beers in front of a german officer.
See if there's a workaround for the vaccines stuff (allergies and whatnot) and keep all the other vaccines your kids take up to date. Establish yourself as the primary carer for them - take a bunch of pictures of you going to the park every afternoon, finger paint together, be the one to drop them and pick them up from wherever they go, take them to doctors, be the one responsible for their appointments. Maybe the court won't care about that, but it won't hurt.
Either get yourself a vasectomy or become a celibate. I don't give a fuck about your needs - you needed to not get her pregnant, and yet here you are. Don't get he pregnant a third time. Rub one out during the day, if you must (and delete all the porn from the computer; you're to pretend you're asexual now). Don't trust that she's taking the pill every day, or that she didn't sabotage the condoms. Find out what can be done (legally speaking) if she cheats on you - and if it comes to that, gather as much evidence as possible and consider about how to use that.
Research about how legal it is for you to record conversations and, if she becames abusive (yelling, breaking stuff, calling you names), start recording everything. Have backups. Establish that she has issues or, at least, that you're not the one breaking the stuff around. She could call the cops on you and you may need to prove your innocence. Have an emergency plan for if things get to this point; you'll ned to GTFO and take your kids with you.
Maquereau 1y ago
Agreed. Already found a female one who looks like a right bitch, I need to call and find out how much an initial consultation will cost and then put that money away.
Also agreed. I can't really put away much due to the low hours I work but something is better than nothing. Our bank accounts are separate so no issue there. Will try and pick up more hours at work and see what I can do online as really, the financial side of things is probably the most problematic.
Easier said than done unfortunately. All I can do is go full keto, have strict sleep hygiene and exercise. I'm working on sleep right now, I train Muay Thai a couple of times a week but want to double that, fixing sleep will help with that if I can start waking up at 5am to get to additional classes she can't screw me out of going to.
Agreed. There is no chance of changing her world view and the less I talk to her the happier I feel.
Not much I can do unless I could find a dodgy doctor I could bribe and I wouldn't know where to start. They've had no vaccines at all and she agreed to this when they were born, unfortunately this means someone needs to be here to look after them. If I leave I can only assume her first course of action will be to have them jabbed as I doubt she could afford a nanny for 8 hours of the day.
Nothing to establish, I AM the primary carer, Mon-Fri for 3 years now. I've got photos, videos, records of when they eat and sleep, etc. Shouldn't be hard to prove this.
Read the OP, already opting for door #2. Haven't fucked her in a year and have no intention of doing so as I'm not attracted to land whales and she wasn't much of a lay in the first place. I rarely masturbate, have no porn on my computer and haven't watched any porn in several years. I will admit the itch is beginning to get to me though and if I had the opportunity I would gladly find someone else to screw. My prick still works and I'm still good looking, why should I have to remain celibate for her?
Thought about this prev and will look into it. For the most part it is her yelling in front of the kids even when asked not to. I try not to engage but it's hard sometimes, esp when I feel like poor choices are being made for my kids.
No issues there. She constantly claims she doesn't want to be with me, tells me to gtfo of the house and recently threatened to not renew the lease and move away with the kids, giving me less than 2 months to sell my shit, find a job and likely have to live share accommodation with strangers in my 40's like a pleb. I'll try and calm things down to avoid that for the time being, but I can only imagine things will eventually come to a head again at some point.
I need an escape plan.
Redpillpusher 1y ago
In regards to #6, he can only get the vasectomy, he can't go celibate. By him doing that, he jeopardizes the entire operation. Go from unprotected, frequent (i'm guessing) sex to monk mode? She will automatically assume he's cheating or unattracted & he doesn't have enough game/knowledge to inspire dread so she might go crazy & intent on making his life hell, starting w/manipulating his relationship w/his kids since she's the breadwinner. So, OP either you figure something out ASAP, save enough $ to freeze your sperm prior to the vasectomy, or accept that these will be your only 2 children
Maquereau 1y ago
That horse has bolted. Probably the reason she's so angry most of the time, she hasn't been fucked properly in a long time.
I would never get neutered and would like to start another family with someone more suitable. However I don't want the 2 kids I have to suffer more than they have to, I will also need to significantly lift several areas of my life to attract the right partner.
No romance without finance.
Redpillpusher 1y ago
So she hasn't had sex in a while yet instead of attempting to improve her physique she gets mad at you. The sheer insanity of many females. Well, you need to act quickly. How's your business going thus far & how long do u think it'll take to get off the ground? I'm currently in the beginning phases & it's tough.
Maquereau 1y ago
I've tried to support her to lose the weight, looked after the kids when she went to the gym, attempted to meal plan, etc. From the looks of old photos she's been fat pretty much her entire life and when we met was almost at her slimmest so I was fooled.
Support didn't work, applying man logic and man solutions obv didn't work and shaming her just reinforced the delusion that the issue was me harming her self esteem, rather than the fact she is now morbidly obese.
I feel bad for her as losing weight can be hard and I'm currently 15kg overweight myself, but I'm now spending my energy on getting myself right instead.
My business is DOA until I make a serious push on it, it's very frustrating.
Durek_The_Bald 1y ago
Definitely consult a lawyer. Her being the breadwinner, and you being the stay-at-home mom, might turn out to be a blessing in disguise. It might mean you're in pole position for custody, and she'll be owing you child support (and alimony, depending on where you live).
But like I said, consult a lawyer. One session is well invested money. Due to a lack of income, you might even qualify for free legal aid (again, depending on location).
Also, see if there are free one-time consultations where you live. Where I live, that's a thing, where once or twice a week, people can form an orderly line outside the courthouse for free consultations (first come, first served type of thing).
Another option can be to register as a student (if you have tax-paid education), and get legal aid through whatever special deals they have for them. Sometimes, students get free legal aid from other law students (which is better than nothing).
Either way, you need to get a basic understanding of the gist of the situation. So a one-time consultation should be at the top of your priority list right now, before you say or do anything else. And then, take it from there.
To answer your main question: Not necessarily as effed as you might think.
dongking 1y ago
Which country are you in? This will play quite a role in how effed you are.
Maquereau 1y ago
Australia
dongking 1y ago
I don't know much about Australian child custody laws but assuming it's quite similar to UK's? Then you should be fine in terms of child custody since you're the primary carer. You should be able to get 50/50 split at the bare minimum. Check with a lawyer.
As others have already said though, you've got to get the basics sorted out. Money, fitness and health. These are none negotiables both as a father, a man and also a partner.
I'm even going to go against the grain abit here and advice you to sort these things out FIRST before you split with the mom. As I'm sure you know, as a man you must be the captain and lead your woman and family. How can you expect her to follow you, uphold her standards as a woman etc, when you've completely let go of all aspects that makes you valuable as a man? Women are extremely moldable and will literally copy every step and thing you do if you are a high status man with strong frame.
Maybe it's too late already, but that would be my #1 priority if I were in your exact shoes with 2 kids as your responsibility. Sort the basics out and make a 180 in your life, give her some time and see if she follows you and then re-evaluate.
i.e. be ready to walk, but atleast do it from a position of power, when you've established yourself as a good man that can/will win/optimize the chance to have custody and influence over your kids.
Maquereau 1y ago
Have every intention of sorting these things out first, otherwise I'll be homeless and in no position to fight for custody. The problem is there's only maybe 5 hours I get to myself Mon-Fri and that includes having dinner, etc.
If I could obtain full time employment that would be something, but then there's no one to look after the kids. I completed a teaching a foreign language certificate in hopes of teaching Chinese kids English via an app during the evening, unfortunately the Chinese govt pulled the pin on these businesses and now I'd be lucky to earn $12 an hour for it.
I think too much has happened now for me to ever change my mind about staying with her, but I'll keep working on myself and maybe her attitude will change enough to buy me some time. She's ensuring I can't make my gym classes of an evening and she's also been squirrelling money away and lying about it, as well as not giving me money to buy groceries so my back is against the wall.