New here, but I was a member of the original RED pill on Reddit. I no longer use Reddit
We have been together 8 years. 4 months ago we got engaged. We also brought a new house and 6 months ago. This is our first home and we both were looking forward to home ownership. We are due to move in around mid summer once the current owner leaves.
She then all of a sudden says she doesn’t want to move. She hates the location, hates the house. I dig deeper then realise it’s due to moving away from her parents and her sister who lives at home. We currently live around 10 minutes away from her parents. The new house will be around 25 mins away. But she thinks this is too far. She also thinks I will spend more time with my dad if we move there. She says already I don’t spend enough time on her
The new house is a good location. Close to our jobs.
What can I do? I’ve tried to say 25 mins will not take that long. She has said she doesn’t want to move but also she doesn’t want to loose me.
I know I can’t force her, but what can I do. Legally speaking I contacted a family friend who is lawyer. They said we are legally bound to buy this house. If we do not, the house seller can sue for are large amount. So one way or another one of us has to move in and begin mortgage payments for 15 years.
She now has moved with into her parents house. She said she didn’t want to and didn’t want to leave me. But she said she needs time to think. She is still texting me etc still in contact. I told her that if she wants space then she should go.
TL;dr future wife does not want to move into new house after buying it.
Impressive-Cricket-8 5mo ago
Talk to the lawyer again and ask about how it would look like if you two were to split. Is her name on whatever papers you signed? Can you buy her out? Can you afford the mortgage by yourself, or maybe rent the house and live somewhere smaller and cheaper?
As for the relationship, it does not look good. I won't go straight to "dump her", but I'm getting the feeling that she never really cut the umbilical cord. I dated a girl like that once - and let me tell you, it gets old really fast. And don't be stupid: she will hardly cut said cord, not without lots of therapy (that I'm sure she'll be unwilling to get).
This now is what your future looks like if you marry her. A job offer in a different city? Can't go. Travelling to a nice place? Her parents should totally come too*, they'll love it there. Her sister got dumped by her boyfriend? Of course she can stay the next six months with you. Think long and hard about how you want your life to be. Look at your fiancée as who she is, not who you want her to be.
*The girl I dated? She had an older sister. We broke up for a while, and during this time apart her sister got married. Guess who went to the same city the new couple travelled to during their honeymoon? Yup, the groom's new inlaws.
Durek_The_Bald 5mo ago
I will.
There's already enough "management" involved in living with a woman, owning stuff together, having kids at some point, and having your own life in between everything else.
I'm so glad I don't have to deal with this sort of mentally weak bullshit from my wife, on top of everything else that comes with adult life.
If she can't deal with moving another 15 min. away from her parents, she's not fit for adult life, and he should break off the engagement.
On top of that, he's already in the powerless position where he thinks it's his job to "save the relationship". And that's before they're even married.
She's not ready for it, and neither is he. I say keep the house, buy her out for below market value, and cash the profit when he eventually sells. Meanwhile, he's got a great place to invite new women.
There's always some bullshit involved with women, but this is some next level indecisive bullshit that's going to infect every part of his life and brain (it's already started before it even begun).
Run. Next.
Wartortle This Guy Follows Advice 5mo ago
This is next level. Few months before we move she does this. She was happy buying all the furniture for the new house but all of a sudden she just flipped.
I am going to wait for her next call and tell her I am moving in to the new house. You can stay or come with me
wswZtyqNGQ 5mo ago
Consider that a huge red flag about yourself: you couldn't even tell that she was faking happiness with you after knowing her for 8 years!!!!
After you get stable from the breakup and moving into the new house I suggest that you spend some time thinking about how you can improve your empathy and emotional-affect understanding of others (and yourself too). If you become more skilled at reading people's emotions you will have much better and more stable relationships.
Lone_Ranger 2 5mo ago
Why are you waiting? What for? You should simply take action, no need to wait for anything.
Why are you telling her anything? You don't not need to tell her things, you are capable of independent action
Why are you giving her the choice? You are the man, and you should decide what happens next.
it sounds like you have lived a life of re-action and subservience to this woman (and probably other women in your life, like your mother).
Decide what you want, then make that happen. This is the way.
Wartortle This Guy Follows Advice 5mo ago
Many thanks brother. I need to calm down. Take control of the situation and focus on what I want
Lone_Ranger 2 5mo ago
If she is not on the papers, there is no reason to buy her out. Reading between the lines, I doubt she is on the papers.
You are right - there is always some level of bullshit with women...
but you are wrong when say "but this is some next level indecisive bullshit"
OP's gf is not being indecisive. Make no mistake - there is nothing wrong with the house or the location of the house. The issue at hand is not indecisiveness. OP's gf is showing OP 'who is boss'. She wants to be commander in chief of the boat that he and gf are sailing in, and this will never work.
Wartortle This Guy Follows Advice 5mo ago
This is the issue. She wants to be commander her family probably want to control me and her
Lone_Ranger 2 5mo ago
I commend your ability to start seeing the problem.
A man could read 100,000 words on red pill and still not get it. The essence of it is this;
If a woman is not prepared to get into the man's frame, the LTR will not survive.
That is it. That is all you need to know. If a woman is challenging you, trying to control you or manipulate you, it will not work. If she does not acknowledge your leadership and authority, it cannot work.
It took me years to realise this. All women try to challenge their man for authority, and what they are looking for is failure.
They want their man to say 'no'. They want to find a man that can control them. When they find a man they can control, they will slowly loose interest. They are begging for leadership, for a strong man.
There are few strong men around today. Those are the men that will be ok.
Let this episode be a learning experience for you. Maybe you need to read a bit about 'assertiveness'. About how to be firm and clear about what you want, about your needs. Never be afraid again of 'displeasing' a partner. There is nothing wrong with being tender, loving and affectionate. But this has to be tempered by being assertive, even dominant. A woman that rejects a dominant man is not going to be suitable as a wife or mother.
Wartortle This Guy Follows Advice 5mo ago
Thank you friend. I needed this. I think I just lost sight of what is important.
I realise what I have done wrong and I will come back to your replies. They have given me encouragement on what I know needs to be done
Lone_Ranger 2 5mo ago
Good - you sound like a smart guy. Come back and update us. You will be fine, I can sense it. You are young, and your life is just beginning.
Feel free to message me directly if you prefer. There are a few other older guys on this site how have been through the mill, they may be able to help. You will know them when you meet them.
Problematic_Browser 1 5mo ago
God damn. You fucking boiled that down and made TRP heroin
Lone_Ranger 2 5mo ago
Thanks PB.... just to clear (in case their are new boys reading)... All women challenge their man for authority, and what they are looking for is failure on their part. They want to fail. They want their man to say no.
Wartortle This Guy Follows Advice 5mo ago
I’ve got a meeting with my lawyer today. I do have a good job and I worked hard. I have enough to buy her out and continue to pay the mortgage. My dad said that he will help if there is any short fall.
Do you think there is any change to salvage the relationship? She has said she loves me. She wants me but doesn’t want to move. I do think although I can’t confirm her parents are having some control and input over this. Generations of there family have all lived in the same street or walking distance. I would be a hard task as you say to change this lifestyle.
Just thinking about holidays. The amount of times her parents have wanted to arrange a big family holiday. I’ve always said no. I prefer my own and she has so far agreed
Lone_Ranger 2 5mo ago
She says she loves you, but her actions say otherwise. A woman that loved a man would follow him to the ends of the earth. She is not prepared to move 30 mins from her parents???
Problematic_Browser 1 5mo ago
One of the commandments of TRP: Do not pay attention to what they say, watch what they do.
A woman will lie to generate good PR. Some do it intentionally, some do it because they're unable to make their actions and their words match up. Regardless, if a woman's actions and words don't match up, watch her actions.
Very few people have the self-awareness and discipline to purposely make choices that move them away from their goals. That is to say, if someone takes action it is because it gets them what they want.
It is easy to lie and obscure your goals with words because words are meaningless. It's damn near impossible to do it with actions because actions have direct and immediate outcomes.
Typo-MAGAshiv 2 5mo ago
Why do you think it's worth salvaging?
Wartortle This Guy Follows Advice 5mo ago
Thanks for your replies. I have seen all your other replies.
I think it’s worth it as she has been loyal for years. We had many good times, only ever had minor disagreements. She has a low body count. She isn’t on social media. She supported me when I couldn’t work or leave house to a back injury.
Another part of me thinks I will be lonely. I’ve lost my friends as they moved countries have their own lives now. Another thing is dating apps are just scams. How would I meet new women?
In my younger days I didn’t really enjoy dates. The awkwardness at the start.
With this girl the first date we just hit it off.
Typo-MAGAshiv 2 5mo ago
I highly recommend you read the following blog post: The Myth of the Lonely Old Man by Rollo Tommasi.
@Lone_Ranger I recommend this to you as well after reading your subsequent replies. Being alone is awesome. I relish solitude on the rare occasions I can get it.
OP @Wartortle - it seems to me that you never really unplugged, and never really read the material. I'm not saying this to be nasty, but rather making some observations. Much of this is pretty basic.
Anywhere and everywhere (except maybe at work).
Have you read the TRP sidebar?
I also recommend the MRP sidebar, especially the two books I mentioned to you in my first reply to you (NMMNG & WISNIFG). You need to learn to be assertive about what your needs and wants are, and those two books help with that.
That, and reading many of your comments, your thinking is rife with covert contracts. NMMNG will help you overcome doing that.
Typo-MAGAshiv 2 5mo ago
@wswZtyqNGQ I recommend that blog post to you as well after seeing one of your replies downthread.
Tagging @Lone_Ranger again because I edited the previous comment in which I tagged him, and that seems to mess up tags.
Wartortle This Guy Follows Advice 5mo ago
I have read the material maybe 7-8 years ago. I used to spend all my time of the Reddit redpill. But I would admit it. I got lazy. Stick in the comfort zone and sort of slipped back into beta behaviour
I will read all you have said. And thanks for helping me.
Lone_Ranger 2 5mo ago
Don't be too hard on yourself. If you are anything like me, you grew up in a gynocentric world. I know Germany well, it is especially focused on creating beta young men, for all sorts of reasons. I would say that the majority of men never escape the femocentric thought patterns. They continue their whole lives subservient to women.
But you can break free and live well. There is no reason why you cannot deprogram yourself.
Most people misunderstand the manosphere.... its not about hating women or fucking bitches. It's about finding yourself, being more independent, not allowing others to take advantage of you. As a result, you WILL have a better and more fulfilling life.
Wartortle This Guy Follows Advice 5mo ago
Could you link me to the sidebar? I am having trouble finding it
Typo-MAGAshiv 2 5mo ago
https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/
https://old.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/
Go to those two subreddits and look over on the right side. Those lists of reading materials are the sidebars.
I also recommend the sidebars at https://old.reddit.com/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen/ and its child sub, https://old.reddit.com/r/WhereAllTheGoodMenAre/
You can also access all of these sidebars without going to reddit; get in the forums.red version of each sub, and hit that little black and white square in the upper right corner to see the sidebars here.
Lone_Ranger 2 5mo ago
I totally understand man. I am going through a similar (but different) issue - I am considering divorce (second time) and am also a bit worried about being lonely in my old age.
Typo-MAGAshiv 2 5mo ago
I feel that. I've had one foot out the door for years, even before finding b RP.
For a few recent years, I pulled that foot back inside.
This past year has me putting that foot back out the door and even leaning out a bit, looking around.
One of the caveats a lot of guys in this space forget is that even if you do everything right, she might still fuck up her end.
Lone_Ranger 2 5mo ago
I feel you bro. I feel you.
I really don't know what is going to happen. I am of course 'afraid of failure'. I realised with a start a few days ago that everything in my life is good (great even?) apart from relationship. Put another way...literally ALL of my stress and unhappiness comes from my partner. My work is great, I live in a much bigger house than I need, I have great friends, my kids are fantastic and give me no stress. I just realised that ALL of my stress is coming from the woman in my life.
I look back over the last 5 years and I see the slow decline of a marriage. I have been thinking about writing a post about it, to try and get some clarity. Somehow, it all seems a bit too personal.
The gist of it is this....
My wife makes no effort to pretend that she wants to have sex with me. That creates massive problems. It pains me to remember just how crazy she was about it 10 years ago. The trembling orgasms, the enthusiasm. And now? Oh, I'm not feeling that well. Maybe tomorrow.
I really don't know what to do about it. Half the time we are not talking (like literally half of the time). It's always me that switches off the talking, probably in non-conscious retaliation for her switching off the sex. And I have no interest in sharing a bed with someone that I am not having a sexual relationship with, so we sleep in separate bedrooms.
I really don't know what to do about it. I don't really want to be single going into my mid 50s. Things change when you get older, and there just isn't a reason to have an LTR once you take kids out of the picture.
Typo-MAGAshiv 2 4mo ago
Have you read the sidebar at MRP?
mainly, Athol Kay's "Married Man Sex Life Primer"?
Lone_Ranger 2 4mo ago
Thank you Bro, I will read it today. Appreciate any tips you might have, always willing to listen to you.
Wartortle This Guy Follows Advice 5mo ago
I have spent some time alone. Maybe about a year max.
Moved new city for my first job. I was okay. Had plenty of time to do my hobbies but part of me craved a relationship
Lone_Ranger 2 5mo ago
A lot of this fear of being alone comes from a deep seated lack of trust in ourselves.
You need to realise that you will be able to find other relationships (if you so wish). The reason they call it 'oneitis' is because men get hung up thinking that their ex was the only great woman in the world.
The trick is not to think that she was 'an evil bitch' and not to think that she was 'the one and only'. Don't hate your ex. Make peace as quickly as you can with the death of your relationship. Anger, hate and bitterness are terrible things to carry. Just realise that she wasn't a bad person, she just wasn't able to give you what you needed (stability, devotion, respect, etc).
You are only 33. Your life is just beginning. You will look back on this day and realise that it was the start of something much better. My life started to get much better at age 41. Men's lives are the opposite of women - they have it easy from 15 to 25. We have it hard until we hit about 35. Then everything changes for men.
Be happy brother.
liftheavystuff 5mo ago
this is wise advice
wswZtyqNGQ 5mo ago
In retrospect, this has a hard ring of truth about it. I got a new idea to chew on for the next week!
Lone_Ranger 2 4mo ago
The more I see of life, the more I am convinced that this is true. What is the solution for young men? I think the solution must be to 'decentre' women from their lives, focus on their career, education, mission, friendships and networks. When you are about 33, then have a look around for a woman, ideally that is 10 years younger than you.
I now know that a 10 year age gap is the MVP (minimum viable product) for a successful marriage. This is the min. 15 or 20 would be better. Because a woman is about 40, her interest in sex just goes down the toilet (for good biological reasons). So the man needs to be about 50 to 65 if he is locked into an LTR with her, for this to be viable. Being in an marriage with a sexless, impotent female is torture, unless you yourself have lost interest in sex.
Lone_Ranger 2 4mo ago
PS you know how you know when a woman has lost interest in sex? They start talking about it a lot. You'll often hear women talking about about how 'hot to trot' older women are. This is pure bs. They only talk that way to make up for the sex they are not having.
Women lose interest in sex the way men loose their hair - too early. You will often notice older women (38 and up) suddently taking more care of themselves, more make up, spending way more on clothes, doing the whole 'milf' thing, talking about sex etc. This is to fill the whole in their lives, because sex is gone.
meanwhile, that 23 year old girl, in the sweatpants, sneakers, pony tail, no make up... .... yeah, she is a raging cauldron of desire. She wants it bad.
Women use signals to mislead. Be aware.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 5mo ago
Fixed that for you.
Let's be honest about this situation and after we start from there let's answer the question.
30 minutes is nothing. And why does a grown woman need to live 10 mins from her parents? This is honestly ridiculous. She doesn't genuinely desire you at all, she's not into you very much dude.
Further you are in her frame. If she even needs to consider whether a man she has invested 8 years into is someone she still wants to be with you need to leave her.
Marriage will NOT fix any of this. It will make all of it infinitely worse. You are on fast-track to being divorce raped after getting a dead bedroom.
If i were you I'd end it ASAP and seriously ponder how it got to this point.
You're luckily not married to her. Thank God. Your life will circle the drain as a shit show if you let this drag on, especially if she accidentally gets pregnant and fucks you over with that too.
Leave before she finds a way to fuck you over with further toxic commitment
Wartortle This Guy Follows Advice 5mo ago
Thanks for the reply.
It’s not far at all. They could even cut the time by meeting half way. There family for generations have all lived within a 10 min radius. Most of them live walking distance. So to them 25 mins seems like a long distance.
I have said to her I am moving in. She can join me or if she doesn’t I will buy her share. She asked what this means for us. I didn’t answer and just said we will have to see.
I have thought how it got to this. She has said I don’t spend enough time with her. But Monday to Friday I am busy with work. I’ve earn a high income to pay for a good life. Which means a lot of long working hours. But on the weekends I do spend time with her.
As I cover most the bills. We been able to go on many holidays a year
ExConvictNowMillionaire 5mo ago
"She has said I don’t spend enough time with her."
There was a good post recently on TRP & their have been posts in the past about how women are never satisfied.
Give them the attention of the world & they think you lack a purpose. Chase your purpose & they think they deserve more attention.
So it's pointless to try to make/keep women happy. Instead focus on making yourself & the family as a whole happy. You made the right move by being decisive & sticking to your plan. Hope it works out for you - but be prepared to walk away & don't marry so you don't lose the ability to walk away.
Impressive-Cricket-8 5mo ago
The girl I said I dated, whose parents went to the sister's honeymoon... Her dream, when we met, was having the whole family living in the same building (her father worked with real estate, so this was feasible). Throughout the relationship, I dissuaded her from this idea - the guy who marries her owes me a beer.
In the end I realised that, while she liked me, she liked her vision of a future more, and I conveniently fitted that. As long as I was willing to do whatever she liked, she'd be lovable, cute and whatnot.
More recently I met a woman who reminded me of said ex. She had just turned 30 and wanted to get married. After a couple of months dating, while I was expecting the whole "what are we?" conversation, she skipped straight to "why don't we get married?". That's when I ran for the hills. You see, she didn't want to get married to me, she just wanted to get married and I was enough.
I don't know your girl, but ask yourself this: is it more important for her to marry you and live across the country, or leave you and marry someone willing to live in her parent's basement?
Wartortle This Guy Follows Advice 5mo ago
Thank you for sharing. I think I know the answer. Her family seems more important than me
liftheavystuff 5mo ago
I think it's easy for a bunch of internet strangers to reflexively advise to torch the relationship, and it might be the move, but I'm struggling to understand her sudden change of heart tbh. Is there something cultural or religious keeping her rooted to her parents? Do you think she cheated on you and now this is the only barrier she can think of to use to end things? - in essence handing you the scissors? Her behaviors make no sense without more context.
Wartortle This Guy Follows Advice 5mo ago
Nothing religious. They are Christian but she isn’t very religious.
One thing she has mentioned a few times is I don’t get a long with her sister. Tbh she is right I hate hanging around with her sister. It’s clear to everyone that I don’t like her. In truth she isn’t a very nice person. She has said many times she wants me to get along with her sister
First-light 5mo ago
You are so lucky you did not marry or live together in the house. The repayments may be hefty but you will survive, just get it all staight legally and chalk this up to experience and good luck. You found out in the nick of time.
Wartortle This Guy Follows Advice 5mo ago
Whatever happens I will be moving houses.
Do you think there is any way to salvage the relationship. She said she wants me but doesn’t want to move. But I if in the future I do what she wants the she will have all the power in the relationship
Durek_The_Bald 5mo ago
Only a man with a scarcity mentality would ask that question. You're not ready to marry anyone. You should take some time to just play the field, until it becomes part of you to think you always have options.
The sort of servile attitude that makes a man ask: "How do I salvage the relationship?" is nothing but a slippery slope of unmanly retardation of the mind that never leads anywhere good.
liftheavystuff 5mo ago
Disagree. He's spent a significant amount of time w this person, and states it is overall good. She didn't abandon him when he was injured and at a low point. The ultimate move may be to break up but let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater before getting more information.
Wartortle This Guy Follows Advice 5mo ago
I think part of me is afraid to be alone. All my friends have moved and I’ve lost contact. I can’t even find them on social media.
The only friends I have is couples friends with her. Which I know won’t continue.
So I’m worried how I will meet other people
Lone_Ranger 2 5mo ago
Cometh the hour, cometh the man.
I understand that you are fearful, but realise that this will be a new dawn for you.
May we ask how old you are?
Wartortle This Guy Follows Advice 5mo ago
I am 33, will be 34 by end of summer.
I just remember dating in my younger years. I would say I am good looking but I am not confident. I’m just a nice guy. So twice I got used by girls who put me in the friendzone.
Then finding and dating was hard. It in truth I was young so were the girls. So they probably not interested in anything long term anyway
liftheavystuff 5mo ago
I don't think fear of being alone should be a factor in this. You need to separate out that issue entirely.
Wartortle This Guy Follows Advice 5mo ago
This is my issue. I am worried I will be alone.
I’ve lost a lot of friends. And the only friends are couple friends. I am older and have probably lost a lot of the dating and social skills I may have had
wswZtyqNGQ 5mo ago
1) This does suck. Being alone is a misery. I feel for you.
2) Isn't it odd that you have no friends of your own and your GF is the only one you can rely on? It's almost as if someone put you in a perfect situation to be exploited. I'm not saying that it must be your GF who intentionally did this. I'm saying it is either her OR YOU who did. And if it is you, then you are going to really need to take some time to understand why you intentionally hurt yourself so bad.
3) As Americans say: Do you want any cheese with your whine? You're a MAN!!! You have no excuses and no right to complain about how you feel bad. You are the son of conquerors. It's time to get off your lazy ass and live your life! There are SO, SO, SO.... many activities that you can partake. There are so many skills to learn. There are so many lifestyles you can now adopt. And there are so many interesting people waiting for you to meet. Your life is exactly as interesting as you desire. There are no more COVID lockdowns so you have no excuses. BE A MAN! GET OFF YOUR ASS AND EVOLVE!
Wartortle This Guy Follows Advice 5mo ago
Thank you I needed this. I lost my way and stopped putting myself first
ExConvictNowMillionaire 5mo ago
Solo traveling is a great way to train approaching - game & social skill in general. Talk to strangers during day time in the hotel spa or city. At the hotel bar at night. I can guarantee you'll meet quite some (useful/interesting) people and build crazy confidence & social skills in a short time.
wswZtyqNGQ 5mo ago
I'm glad that you are receptive to change and to taking responsibility for yourself. You sound like you have all that you need to succeed. I wish you well on the next stage of your journey!
[deleted]
Lone_Ranger 2 5mo ago
"When someone shows you who they are, for the love of god, please believe them"
Your gf is clearly telling you that she does not acknowledge you as the head of the family. It is nothing to do with the house, or the location of the house. She is telling you that she is in charge. As you have been together 8 years, this is not 'teething issues'. She is not 'feeling out her boundaries'. This is a disrespectful woman that is running the show, and you are trying to appease her. Tbh, you should acknowledge your own blame in all of this... you have allowed a disrespectful and controlling women to dominate your life for 8 years. Let this episode in your life be a wake up call. It may be an expensive lesson, but a useful one. I am assuming that you were raised beta (like myself) and it takes ages to break free from the chains. I am on your side brother.
Appeasing women never works, and I'll tell you why. Because women do not respect men that appease them. It's as simple as that. She will never acknowledge you as the head of the family, because she does not respect you, and the more you appease her, the more you confirm in her heart that she is right not to respect you.
The way I see it, you have two problems, which you may be tangling up. I think you would benefit greatly from treating them both very separately:
Problem number 1: the house purchase contract
This is actually the easy part to solve. It may cost you a bit. But it is essentially just admin.
If both of your names are on the documents (you are both liable) you can call simply say to your gf "we are both liable - I also no longer want this house, so we are both going to have to pay the loss" In this case you suffer a loss, ditch the gf and move on with your life.
OR
if only your name is on the contract, you go ahead and buy the house (I assume you like it) and you rent out some of the rooms to your buddies to help cover the mortgage. In this case, ditch the gf.
OR
If only your name is on the contract, you suffer a loss and withdraw from the sale. In this case you ditch the GF.
Problem number 2: your (ex) GF
Your GF is not unusual or strange. A lot of women are like this. They try to run the show (as a form of massive shit test) and then when they find that they are able to run the show, they become fearful and anxious. The very thing that they try to achieve (running the show, controlling their man) makes them miserable. I don't think she will be happy if you go ahead with this marriage. She will be fearful and anxious because she her man is allowing himself to be controlled by her. This is very hard to understand because it makes no sense at all. And yet, this is how most women behave.
To be entirely honest, this relationship may have failed many years ago, when she challenged your authority, and you didn't step up and firmly deny her. Ask yourself honestly, has this been a feature of your relationship?
Please let us know more, what culture / country are you in? What ages are you? Body count? Religious upbringing? Is the relationship sexual?
PS. If you do put your foot down now, be prepared for some 'hysterical pair bonding'. There will be tears and gnashing and wailing. Please ignore this.
Some good advice here already from Cricket and Vermillion. I would listen to them.
Wartortle This Guy Follows Advice 5mo ago
She called me now to check how I was
I mentioned to her now we should go separate ways and just treasure the memories we have. she started crying. What does this mean and what should I do?
DonDripp 5mo ago
https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/lhwxtq/hysteric_bonding/ - there is also YT link in the discussion
no, most likely she called you to check are you vulnerable already, so she can play some game with you and you gave her shovel to the face
Typo-MAGAshiv 2 5mo ago
The hysterical bonding he warned you about is beginning. It's likely not even conscious on her part.
It's manipulation.
This didn't happen overnight. I guarantee there are years of her walking all over you, and you conceding to be nice and to preserve the relationship.
You must have only tongued the Red Pill and not swallowed it.
relationships are the woman's job. Getting sex is the man's. You can be open to granting a relationship to a woman who has earned it, but when you do things "for the relationship" you set yourself up for failure.
read "No More Mr. NiceGuy" by Dr. Robert Glover and "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" by Dr. Manuel Smith.
Wartortle This Guy Follows Advice 5mo ago
You are right. I was on the red pill site for a year. It helped me a lot after I was friend zoned and used by a girl who knew I liked her a lot. But overtime as I got into the long term relationship I spotted which was a big mistake.
I will read the books and have found the old red pill archive posts
Wartortle This Guy Follows Advice 5mo ago
Thanks for the reply brother. I appreciate the direct response. I am in German and live in Germany. I have no religion. I am 33 and she is 30. The relationship is sexual, and for many years we have had it good. But since the house buying the sex has stopped. I put it down to the stress of buying the house but maybe it’s something more. I did have a back injury from a rock climbing incident which lead to no sex maybe around 4 years into the relationship.
I was a beta, I did spend many years on the old red pill. Which helped me.
In honesty the only issue we had in the relationship is my Monday to Friday working hours. I have a good career and that does require dedication. She has complained in the past I spend to much time at work.
I have said I am going to move house. I can buy her share and I will take full Ownership of the house. However she said she doesn’t want me to do that and she asked what does that mean in terms of our relationship.
She did call today just now to say she wants to give it a try but doesn’t know if she can leave her parents.
Problem 1 - I should be able to buy her share and take full ownership of the house. It is in joint names so I will have to buy her out. Which I do have the funds for. Then maybe just live there. Rent the rooms out or the whole house and live somewhere else.
The main issue is problem 2. I don’t really know what she wants or if she want to leave me
Intrepid_Place53900 1 5mo ago
you are not thinking correctly
(I don't really know what she wants or if she wants to leave me)
It's not about her at this point, its about you. You don't want her back. That's your decision to make, not hers.
Lone_Ranger 2 5mo ago
I agree 1000% with Intrepid.
@Wartrotle you are not thinking enough about what you want, and how to get what you want.
I am not suggesting that you become some sort of super-narcissist and uber selfish, but you have a responsibility to yourself to be more 'self interested'. It is perfectly possible to be self interested and also a good person.
The way you are talking it seems that you spend 90% of your effort and 'what she wants' and only 10% on yourself.
For a moment, forget all about what she wants and try to get in touch with what you want. Whatever you truly want, that is what you need to make happen. This is for your good (and also for her).
Lone_Ranger 2 5mo ago
thanks for responding so quickly. I am glad you are starting to untangle both these issues, and in respect of this, I will continue to separate them.
Problem 1: The house
you write
You may not have to 'buy' her out of anything, since she is likely NOT going to contribute anything. If she doesn't make any payments, you will likely not have to buy her out of anything. You currently do not 'own' anything, so there is nothing to buy her out of.
What you need to sort out in your own head (urgently) is whether you want this house or not. Assume no gf.
Do you want this house, yes or no?
If no - then tell the estate agent that your gf and you have split up and you are withdrawing your offer. Tell the estate agent to appeal to the seller for mercy. I would not be in the least bit surprised if the seller simply goes back to market and sells to someone else, and does not bother to try and sue you in the courts, because its a pain in the ass to go to court.
If yes - then you tell the estate agent that you have spit up, but that you will honour the sale agreement in your name only. Tell them that you will re-sign with your own name ONLY and the sale can go ahead as planned - with your dad as guarantor if required. The seller will not mind, as long as the sale goes through. That way, you will not have to buy her out. No cash should be sent her way.
This is all doable. This can all be done. Stop seeing problems, start seeing solutions. You will be surprised at what can be done when people want to get things done.
Problem 2 - the gf
I don't know how to say it gently - this woman is already wrecking your home, and you have not even moved in or even bought it. How do you think your future will be if you decide to move in together? You get what you tolerate. If you tolerate this, what will be next?
Brother, how can I tell you this.... it doesn't matter so much what she wants, it matters what you want
You are still in reaction mode. You want to know what she wants so that you can act accordingly.
Identify what you want and act accordingly.
PS. On an personal note, I am actually half German. I know German culture very well, and I know how Gynocentric it is. Most men are raised beta in Germany. This is not your fault, or the fault of young german men. But it is time to stand up and act in your own interests.
Wartortle This Guy Follows Advice 5mo ago
Probelm 1 - I am going to proceed with the house. It’s a nice house in a desirable location. I can live there happily on my own or maybe rent a room out to make extra income. I am starting to see more solutions. If that doesn’t work out I can sell the house some time in the future.
Problem 2 - many thanks for this brother. You are right. I need to think about what I want, what makes me happy. I think I was just shocked how quick it happened.
Lone_Ranger 2 5mo ago
Relationship failure is like this.... it happens gradually, and then all of a sudden.
Gradually, over the 8 years, she manipulated you into her frame. And then she pushed you one step too far (with the house thing) and the elastic band snapped. Elastic bands can stretch, but then they snap. Once they have snapped, they are gone.
Re Problem 1: make sure you don't 'buy her out'. She has not put any money in? She should not get any out.
Maturin_nj 5mo ago
It's not the house. My chick will follow me to he'll and back. It's clear you have been in this woman's frame for a long time trying to please her. End the engagement and go invisible. Stop being so nice. Understand what keeps chick's attracted. You salvage the rela. 8 by ending the engagement and going NC and leading the relationship like a confident leader who she is compelled to follow. Right now that's not you. She's not even compelled by your provider status.
Wartortle This Guy Follows Advice 5mo ago
Every time I mention breaking up or going separate ways she starts do cry. Does this mean anything?
Problematic_Browser 1 5mo ago
"Trust not a woman when she weeps, for it is her nature to weep when she wants her will."
-Socrates
It's pure manipulation. You should be insulted that she is attempting to use your feelings and concern for her to manipulate you into making a decision that is bad for you.
Typo-MAGAshiv 2 5mo ago
Of course she's crying. She's a woman, and crying is one of their main tools to manipulate men.
And based on everything I've read in this post and comments section from you, I'd bet a week's wages that you have caved more often than not over the past 8 years, and so she is sticking with what has worked.
Lone_Ranger 2 5mo ago
Women cry to make men obey them. If the crying doesn't work, she'll probably go to plan B, which is to use sex. This can be either in the form of offering sex or withholding it.
Maturin_nj 5mo ago
Focus on her actions not what she says. The crying means that she loves you but is not in love with you. And she's sad about that. You need to reset this relationship. Tell her you need your space. GoNc. Give her time to miss you. I mean total NC for months. You have to change your frame. Youve made a big investment in her and she's not enthused. In short, your in the friendzone. Try the married man life sex primer 2011 Athol kay to get your mojo back. If she walks and gets a new guy so be it. No guarantees. But NC works. And she'll start to see you as a man and respect you more.
DonDripp 5mo ago
Yes.
It can mean anything else [in general] but can also mean she ONLY is SORRY for her lost benefit: I will miss my home when I move to parents [not you], I like that apple tree I have planted in the garden - what a disaster, oh no bad emotion - I want to cry - I don't understand I prefer Mike anyway, oh no my branch has broken - I can't just go and fuck strange and have security at home - so sad.
In circumstances you describe there is no: oh no what did I do wrong, how can I keep love of my life, I would jump into fire to help him.
NOpe not that at all.
Hate her [and any woman] just a little bit - to make good decisions, but don't hate too much it will affect YOU.
Wartortle This Guy Follows Advice 5mo ago
I’m going no contact. At the very least chance to clear my own head and relax
SeasonedRP 5mo ago
Good move. Listen to the good advice you've been given. Do not try to salvage this. If you marry her, you'll be miserable.
Lone_Ranger 2 5mo ago
...and she would be miserable too.
Intrepid_Place53900 1 5mo ago
she proved she's not LTR material, be thankful before you were actually married and/or had kids
lot of good advice from the guys on here.
do yourself a favor, next this girl.
You want a girl who makes your life "easier", this girl is a headache. Remember that next time
I'm in a LTR, I don't mix finances, we split 50/50 costs, what's hers is hers, what's mine is mine. It's her place, so If I want to move, I move. The only time this would not work, is if you have kids. Then you are subject to the local laws on support,etc.
Does she hint once in awhile that she wants to mix finances, sure. I'm always 100% clear, no thx to that. I like the way it is, so she drops it real fast. If she didn't, I'd start looking for a new place.
This is how women need to be managed today.
Hamza99 5mo ago
I'm surprised no one has mentioned she might be fucking another dude/other dudes.
Believe it or not, some women are fixated on marrying the perfect guy(which OP isn't, in her eyes at least), or not marrying at all(till a certain age). Explains why girls in their prime (18-25) very rarely get married. They ride the CC and then "settle"(aka use for resources/as a safety net) for someone in their 30's, just to cuck him and keep fucking chads.
If she is faithful and has GENUINE burning desire for OP, why the hell would she do what she has done?
Add to that, the manipulation with the crying and shit, gaslighting, etc.
I guarantee she fucked someone, if not multiple others, during that 8 year relationship.
NEVER GET MARRIED.
Problematic_Browser 1 5mo ago
Most of us didn't mention it because there was no reason to.
OP didn't give us any indication that might be the case and from what he did give us, the cause (her single sister) is pretty obvious.
Typo-MAGAshiv 2 5mo ago
It's possible, but we don't know.
A woman can be faithful without having genuine burning desire.
We do know that this woman does not have that genuine desire, though, because like Rollo said, a woman who truly desires you will crawl over broken glass to be with you.
This woman won't even live 25 minutes away from her parents.
Maybe, maybe not. We don't know, and there's no point in worrying over something you don't know.
Now, if he were to find out that she had, by all means he should react accordingly. But too many dudes in this space start obsessing over this, and poison their own thinking with worry.
MrSupreme 5mo ago
If she needs space to think about stuff,then shes bullshitting you since she already moved to her family's. If she had made the choice to stay with you she would have told her family she's moving with you and she'd be spending time thinking about stuff at your side. I married and divorced someone like that, you'll never be part of her family,she will put them first always and drag you along, and she wont be able to MAKE a new family with you. A woman who values family is not always a green flag. I suggest you move,dump her ass to the curb and find some other woman before you dig a deeper hole. Check out Rian Stone's website and Married Red Pill to know what youre getting yourself into. As a divorced man, I tell you,think about yourself first.
Wartortle This Guy Follows Advice 5mo ago
I will read those tonight. I think deep down I understand I will never be first
MrSupreme 5mo ago
I read some of your other comments and you hit the nail on the head on something you said,it is called "dread game". You said you're moving into that house and she either comes or stays. Bingo.Thats all there is to it,this is about frame.
liftheavystuff 5mo ago
Tangentially related to this topic is the subject of real estate ownership.
TL/DR: Don't buy real estate with a woman. In fact, keep all your assets separate. Then you can protect this in a prenuptual agreement if you choose to be married later (subject to local laws).
Redpillpusher 5mo ago
I don't know why y'all wasted your time replying in this thread. It's glaringly obvious from his comments that this man has his mind made up: he WILL marry this woman and move her in. She has realized that she has overstepped and will calibrate her actions going forward, until she has the ring. Then she will be free to behave as she pleases, since the threat of divorce/alimony, along with the fact that he has stated that he fears loneliness, will keep him in check. Despite all the red pill knowledge you have read, you, OP, cannot shake your inherent blue pill essence and she will punish you for it. Keep ignoring the sound advice and thinking there may be a happily ever after
wswZtyqNGQ 5mo ago
I dunno. Maybe I am truly naive, but I'm hoping that OP just might have just enough self-esteem to give a damn about justice and truth. He's waffling for sure which means there's a high probably that he's going to crash back down into the blue pill in the end, but at least there's a theoretical chance that he can grow up and become a man. I say even a one-in-a-million hope is worth the effort.
whytehorse2021 5mo ago
I agree with the other comments and I'll just add that my wife moved to the other side of the planet to be with me. If I say we're doing something she jumps on board whether she likes it or not. One time she told me she wouldn't have sex with me during Ramadan and I told her I'd divorce her. Shut that shit down REAL fast. Your woman is not in your frame.
You ask if this can be salvaged... I don't know. I've lost frame and recouped it before. This is why we call marriage red pill on hard mode. You would need to re-assert dominance and let her know you can walk away. YOU are the prize, not her. Either she gets with the program or you'll find a woman that will.
Problematic_Browser 1 5mo ago
Oooh fuck. Fuck. Damn.
Look, I'm gonna break this down and it might hurt because you love this woman. Just brace yourself.
Honestly, that is longer than some marriages. I'm glad you didn't marry her yet though. More on that later.
Everything that I'm about to tell you is colored by this one fact: she knew about the house during the whole process. She helped pick the house, she was there at the closing. Nothing about the house should come as a surprise to her.
So she's had time to think about it. Okay. Also, stop saying "our". I'm willing to bet it's all your money and only your name on the mortgage.
This is completely her fault. If she didn't like the location or the house, she should have said something before you bought it.
And that's the root of it. She's still tethered to her family. I'll tell you what's going to happen if you marry this woman.
She will never be completely yours. Her family will influence every thought and decision she makes. The fact that it's starting so soon with something so major is a huge fucking stop sign for the relationship. Imagine what will happen when you have kids.
You know what the difference between a 10 minute drive and a 25 minute drive is? Not enough to give a shit about. That's what. This is a flimsy excuse that she's using. I'm willing to bet that she wastes more than 15 minutes a day doing all sorts of inane shit, yet she balks about doing something with the man she allegedly loves?
No bro.
What? She can spend time with her family, but you can't spend time with yours?
You know what won't help that situation? Her being closer to her family. This is not about the amount of time you two spend together. That is, as the kids say, "cap". If she wanted more time with you, the optimal solution would be to move in with you into the house that you bought for that purpose.
Seems reasonable to me. Where does she go more, work or her parents? (As an aside, her single sister is probably the big influence here because single women hate seeing other women get married).
Date a woman that respects you.
She doesn't have to move. But make it clear that you will be moving whether or not she does. She can stay wherever the fuck she wants.
(Btw, I would not recommend marrying this woman because she has demonstrated that she is unwilling to follow your lead and doesn't respect your willingness to commit.)
You can only control your actions. If it were me, I wouldn't even get mad. Id' simply tell her "I understand that you don't want to move. You don't have to. I however, will be moving." It isn't a negotiation. If she values you, she'll get on board. If she doesn't, get a new woman that does.
Not "we". "You". Please tell me you didn't put someone who isn't your wife onto a mortgage you're paying for.
So you are aware that you are going to move. The only question is if she does.
Nevermind, she made her choice. She doesn't realize it, but that's the fastest way to spinsterhood.
Women are supposed to go from their fathers to their husbands. This woman had a man who tried to make her a wife but then she regressed and went back to her father.
What's worse is that her sister will now be poisoning her ear constantly. She's gone bro, and even if she came back you wouldn't want the woman she will become.
Do not listen to what they say. Watch what they do. If she wanted to stay, she would have. What she wanted to do was stay with her parents and sister, so she did. Her words are just PR to keep you dangling.
She doesn't need "time to think", because she already took action - she moved back in with her parents.
That's not how that works. She isn't going to say "you're right. Because I'm uncertain about this, I understand that it's unfair to you." She will keep you in limbo for as long as you'll allow it.
Set some damn boundaries.
You mean your ex fiancee.
Electrical_Tackle 5mo ago
Dude here i'm I, a barely experienced guy, about to give you my two cents. I just wrote a FR where i was with a 11years married woman. Her husband inherited a house and she started with this "i don't want to move there bause this that his that this that". It's a 100% better Neightbourhood. They live in separated houses now. And they bought one together, gonna get the keys and she told him she is not going. TLDR I didn't bang her because i DIDN'T WANT TO. The marriage is over and she is keeping for convenience.
I'm sorry for your marriage.
Here is my post. https://www.forums.red/p/asktrp/322534/my_fr_with_a_post_wall_wanting_to_monkeybranch_woman_is_it
[deleted] 5mo ago
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