Hey everyone,
I've been with my girlfriend for a while. We spent about two years just casual without her pressuring me for a title. She finally did the "what are we" thing, and I agreed to be in a relationship. Fast forward another two years since that "what are we" conversation.
We don’t text at all. I find that texting is useless—it makes them lose attraction, you lose mystery, and it looks like you have nothing else to do. So we only text when we’re about to meet up. We meet about twice a week, and things have been smooth with minimal disputes. Other than the issues im going to say below, she is VERY cooperative and maybe the best behaved girlfriend I've had. Not emotional/no crazy change of emotions.
Lately, though, I’ve noticed when I walk over while she’s on her phone, she gets a little more guarded. I called her out on it and she no longer does it. She claims she doesn't mean to and even said you can look at my phone if you want to. I called her on her bluff and took it, just to see her reaction...then 10 seconds later I gave it back without even looking. The other weekend she switched our usual Saturday meet-up to Sunday for a "girls' weekend". When we met on Wednesday, she mentioned staying in NYC from Friday to Sunday, going to bars, and "getting numbers from bartenders for her single friend." I again said something about this and she made like she understood.
Fast forward to this past Saturday. We're out to a nice restaurant having a good time. and right as the dinner is ending she said yeah last night I was out with some friends and one of my friends was talking to a cop. He said to her "dont make me put you in handcuffs." and I said "dont threaten me with a good time." In my mind I was like damn...like I really couldn't believe what I was hearing. I just calmly said "why would you even tell me this?" Then I just stayed silent, she saw I wasn't happy about it. I drive back to my place where my stuff is and I just said "You say you want to see me more, but I really can't take you serious when things like this keep happening" She then says 'Well the cop was like 70 and I was just telling you because you know how I always say dumb stuff"..So her stuff was in my house to stay the night and I just said well you're not staying here, and I got her stuff while she waited outside and she left.
Conversation: https://imgur.com/a/2Q2d46h The next day is where these texts happened. Honestly I just didn't want to talk about anything and just needed my space. In my mind I'm not sure any change could happen. I feel as if shed just hide things even better and not change her behavior. So I didn't answer when she called. Part of that was because I was genuinely busy, but the other part was me just not wanting to talk to her. The next day I sent a text out telling her that I just needed space and time to think things over. To let her know Im not ignoring her. She takes that as I'm breaking up with her over text and uses the famous feminism word... calling me "insecure."
What do you think I should do in this instance...I'm not sure shed be good as a girlfriend but maybe I could keep her as a plate
[deleted] 4mo ago
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t7716 4mo ago
I didn’t think my texts were too emotional. Were they good to send? No but let’s be honest..that’s not full blown blue pill. If you only saw what most guys send, I think this would look like nothing
Dates wise..we went out to grab dinner on the weekends mostly.. I’m not sure how that makes me a provider.
Our relationship was all sexual. Any time I wanted it she was down. She actually showed more sexual interest than me..so yeah she was turned off by this behavior but up until this her behavior wasn’t changed as far as how she was sexually with me. I never fell back on going to the gym and keeping up with my body and looks so the sexual attraction was always there. While I can’t say the same with her. She did gain about 15lbs or more I’d say. Still looked good but definitely not as good as when I met her.
I’m not defending my actions I’m just wanting to give more context
[deleted] 4mo ago
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pofkaf 4mo ago
Classic case of an imbalanced relationship. You haven't given her much commitment and attention, so she slowly began looking at other options.
One thing that most people on this forum skew is how LTRs should be treated. You can't be in an LTR as treat her like an FWB. That defeats the purpose. You need to give her more of your value. Granted, you also can't be a beta male simp kissing her feet all the time. It's a balance.
In your specific example, seems like this relationship is on the ropes. You have choice. Either cut it off completely, or suck it up and give her what she needs as a woman.
If you decide to cut it off, then there shouldn't be the option to "plate" her. Your time is better spent developing new prospects than digging through the trash.
redhawkes 2 4mo ago
"Balanced" relationships inevitably devolve into the women henpecking her husband. You always need to keep the 2/3 rule in mind. It's the perfect ratio.
Edit: She's 32 and a junkie lmaooo
Recreational use only.
t7716 4mo ago
As the LTR progressed here, I didn't just have her as a fwb. I started doing things for her, like putting in her air conditioner/doing the man stuff around her house, taking her out more, etc..But one thing thats always been a problem and weird to me is she's allergic to any non sexual touch. I dont need to be cuddled over here, but she always creates a gap between us.
The other issue I didn't mention is her weed smoking. She basically is non stop smoking. I really dont care about the act of it, but a lot of the times its like those anti weed commercials from the 90s..just like boring, no life in her https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rh8GbPnoqCI
coolsocks00 1 4mo ago
Next.
Musicgoon78 1 4mo ago
Your insecurities are definitely showing in a major way. Where's your abundance and IDGAF attitude. You acting butthurt isn't going to give her the tingles.
It's ridiculous to expect a girl to see two times a week and meet her with insecurity and paranoia. Maybe you can tell me how that's attractive?
It seems like you put in minimal effort and zero comfort and expect loyalty and love. If you don't want her to branch swing, don't act like a jealous teenager.
t7716 4mo ago
So you think I should just sit back and not say anything about her actions? Getting numbers from bartenders and telling a cop shed like to be handcuffed is ok? Sounds like a cuck to me.
She wanted this relationship so she should act accordingly. I could have the Idgaf attitude for sure, but thats reserved for a plate. She is not.
As I said in the above comment. It's hard for me to act comforting and loving to her when I dont feel it back. Non-sexual touch doesn't exist and there's nothing there besides sex. So sure I could act comforting and more "ltr" like but im not trying to smother her if she doesn't show that to me
Musicgoon78 1 4mo ago
What do you want? If it's a relationship of mutual trust and respect my either of you are showing any.
Do you expect us to tell you that you're doing a great job of communicating when you're bitching to us instead of talking to her?
All you can to is overtly lay out you boundaries and expectations or dump her.
I suppose the third option is to stay butthurt and keep that scorecard. It is your right to stay miserable if you want.
t7716 4mo ago
Right now I'm just going back and forth between if she really is suitable as a LTR. Im 32, she's 32. So I dont want to be wasting her time if it's not serious. I did lay out my boundaries and expectations. She 100% knows in her mind before telling me that story that it would be against anything I'd tolerate. That's why she hesitated before she said it.
prapra-horse 4mo ago
woot?
saying: wasting her time - after the deatils of the last weeks/days.
Have some respect for your time.
Musicgoon78 1 4mo ago
Once again, does this behavior you're exhibiting seem at all attractive or valuable?
It seems like you're easily rattled and your frame is almost non existent. Notice how your story is all about her? The only thing you've shown your woman in this encounter is weakness.
If all it takes is your girl talking to some other guy to put you deep into PMS, you've got a lot of work to do on yourself. Even if you dump her, you're going to be butthurt with some other woman.
Think about this: Your girl was honest with you. And how did you handle her honesty? By acting like a jealous schoolgirl. What incentive did you give her to continue being honest?
You aren't strong enough for the truth.
t7716 4mo ago
I'm not here to prove im right. I'm here to see what I did wrong and fix it here or fix it with any girl in the future. So all of this doesn't bother me, im taking it as feedback. So thanks.
But where do we draw the line exactly? If your girlfriend says "I made out with this guy at a bar" or "yeah I sucked this guys dick the other night" are we supposed to say nothing as well? To me, her making a comment about wanting to be handcuffed was disrespectful to me. So if you want to say it rattles me alright, but even thinking back on it I still think its over the line.
Musicgoon78 1 4mo ago
I can't answer that question. Your line is going to be different than mine or someone else. If she crossed the line what are you going to do about it?
After my divorce I had a paper thing tolerance for any bullshit. I texted girls for just about anything. It took me a long time to realize how unnecessary some of my reactions were.
t7716 4mo ago
That is my line. And it wasn't out of being emotional about it. To me, after I cooled off, thinking about it now, I still think it's completely disrespectful.
If I was out at a bar, and I overheard this convo take place and found out that the girl that said "dont threaten me with a good time" about being handcuffed ...I'd for sure think she's single. if I heard she has a boyfriend ..I'd think she's out playing the field, and doesn't respect him. You can call me insecure, beta, whatever, but I think it's crazy how much we as men have come to ignore and act like it doesn't bother us. Can you imagine your grandmother saying things like that?
So what am I going to do about it? I called her out on it. And I removed my attention and sent her on her way. Basically a soft next. I wasn't whining and bitching about it. I just let her know it was unacceptable.
lonewolf1 4mo ago
Insecure, jealous, mate-guarding little cuck. You know you are.
"I need time and space" like a effin' woman. WTF are you doing, son?
Your insecurity can't be unseen anymore. You have showed your true beta side.
She mentions some other dick and little boy got his knickers in a twist. She played you perfectly well and your beta-billy reaction was what she was hoping for. She tested your gangsta and you got found out.
It's a wrap, you are attached & jealous and she got the proof.
t7716 4mo ago
Alright, I'm not here to argue/say you're wrong. I'm here to learn what I did wrong, and either fix it or not
Although I do see it as being more cuck by not saying anything to those actions.
First-light 4mo ago
I do admire guys who put their mistakes out there.
There isn't much to go on here but it could all just be her being herself. If she is a bit coarse with her humour and a bit keen on setting her friends up, those are not huge vices. They are not your perfect woman but they are not deal breakers. It could be more than that its true but either way you have to play a bit smarter.
Don't beta out insecurely. We all get insecure sometimes and if you really like her of course you don't want to lose her but you have to act more secure even when you don't feel it. Be a lot more sneaky and subtle if you want to check her phone out. Don't even think of doing this unless you are really suspicious and don't get caught. Only take the phone and look if you are on balance more sure than not you will find something. By then its probably too late to make a difference anyway. What will out will out in the end. But if you act more secure there is a slightly smaller chance of infidelity.
The most I would do with the policeman comment is say "Acting all high class broad then?" in a joking not a cross tone, something that suggests you didn't think it was classy but not that you are upset. That's all. If she wants to impress she might change, if she wants to piss you off to make you notice, she will do more of the same. This would be an amber warning light that something needs to change.
t7716 4mo ago
Like ive said in my other comments, call me all the names or whatever, that's fine. I'm not here to prove that I'm right..otherwise I wouldn't be posting. And like I also said...I'm not sure if I even want to continue this relationship so this post was more to see my options and what I can do better if I continue this relationship or what I can do better in the future with new ones.
First-light 4mo ago
The last thing I want to do is call you names. You put yourself out there and told us your mistake. That deserves credit. I made plenty of jealous Beta mistakes in my youth.
I can see though, that I didn't really answer your question -what would I do?
Don't make your mistake a big thing. Don't flag it up as something to beat yourself with. Carry on quietly with her as normal and observe, with more acting and less honesty about feeling jealous. What to do about her will become more clear with more information.
So I would text back something simple like "Sorry, I was not myself the other night. I was feeling stressed, If I could rewind the day and do better I would. (Think of something to explain if quizzed on what the stress was but leave it if she will leave it) Lets do X next Saturday". If she comes back cross, just try to avoid getting embroiled, just say something like "I am sorry, what I said was not very sensible but I was stressed out" then if she persists, "I have said I am sorry, please lets leave it because I don't think there is more to say -I would not say those things now with a clear head. So I won't defend them, there is nothing to argue over."
There may be better suggestions for what to say but basically you want to acknowledge it was not ideal and move on with no self flagellation and without confirming or denying your insecurity -which you lose when you do either of. Then fake being more secure. We all get insecure sometimes when we fear losing a thing we value. Those who say they do not are just better lairs.
Nothing breeds confidence like a how of confidence.
t7716 4mo ago
Lol yeah thanks, and even though im getting flack for this, it's still 99% better than how guys are acting with their girlfriend.
I really dont feel I owe an apology here. Since I'm already on the fence about keeping it as is with it ended, I'm not willing to do that.
wswZtyqNGQ 4mo ago
OP, here's a meta analysis of this feedback discussion so far. Members criticize you for your words but do not criticise your actions (thus agreeing with your actions). You respond by demanding to know what words you should say (thus ignoring the difference between words and actions).
Take from this what you will.
MrSupreme 4mo ago
You could have just told her "did he get to do a cavity search" or something like that. iDGAF attitude towards jealousy validation shit tests, also after such a long time you should have set the boundary that flirting that strong is not acceptable. Make sure not to just say IDGAF stuff to her,but have the actual emotions to go along with it. Don't say stuff that say to her "it's ok to cheat on me if you hide it well enough" like you just did,she might pick up on that if she's got the malicious intent to do so.
financehardo420 4mo ago
An LTR of 2 years and you ONLY meet (I’m also assuming have sex) “about twice a week”?! Bruh. You’ve gotta have crazy low t to only fuck once or twice a week and be okay with that. You meet PLATES once or twice a week… LTR should be getting fucked on a damn near nightly basis?
This plus being guarded on the phone and you don’t think she’s getting her back absolutely blown out by Chad, Brad, and Thad on the other 5 nights/week that you don’t see her? My guy… my condolences brotha.
Tbh she got your feathers ruffled here. Idk how I would have reacted but I would have definitely made some comment as we left implying that she’s under arrest and then tie her up while I fuck her brains out. Something of that nature.
My analysis: she’s 1000% fucking someone else; given that she’s 32 she’s also 100% looking for kids and marriage; she’s been w u for 2 years and you only fuck x2 per week. She was prob comparing you + whoever else she’s getting ready to monkey branch swing on (or thinking about chad/Tyrone and wishing you were more like that instead of the x2 week limp dick of a man you are).
This is one of the all time most unattractive traits in a female; additionally it’s generally a 100% accurate indication of being entirely for the streets. The fact that she hasn’t outgrown that kind of behavior by 32 is sus as fuck and you gotta wonder how many plugs has she sucked off in the past and present for free weed. Send her back to the skreets; we all need to eat. You’ve displayed significant lack of frame throughout her shenanigans. Maybe you call her out once… the first time she pulls some shit. The second and third sign of disrespect you should have already been gone with the wind instead of getting even more flustered and acting like an emotional woman. It’s dust you’re cooked
Charge it to the game and going forward be smarter when you select an LTR. I wouldn’t plate her; I would focus on meeting new women. At some point in future you can try to fuck here n there as a plate (BUT ONLY AFTER SIGNIFICANT TIME HAS PASSED AND YOU HAVE A ROSTER OF HOTTER WOMEN).
See u in the gym brah
financehardo420 4mo ago
Also:
How many 70 year old cops do you know that say they’re going to have to handcuff 30ish year old women at the bars? This was definitely a lie and she probably fucked him too
redhawkes 2 4mo ago
There is a time to pass a shit test, and a time to reject a girl for being shitty. Many clowns here don't understand that out of scarcity.
A shit test is supposed to help her decide how attractive you are to her. It crosses the line when it makes her unattractive to you.
If your LTR behaves like she's single, you treat her like one. If you have to tell her to behave like a LTR, you already lost. This is not your first post about her, which says a lot. If there's smoke, there's fire.
The text exchange on your side are cringe af. Just tell her it's not working for you and cut her out. No closure. No one who respect himself would LTR a 32 years old junkie loser. You're the company you keep. If you're here to LARP TRP, don't waste your time bro.
mattyanon Admin 4mo ago
female for "I've hidden it all".
not girlfriend behaviour
that's a way to invalidate your feelings
she's inching towards cheating.
t7716 4mo ago
Alright so now what? Do I send a message to her last response or what?
[deleted]
prapra-horse 4mo ago
I have approached it slightly differently. When she wants to send me a message it has to be a video message and if she is texting in a free time then she has to look good, otherwise I will ignore.
This way it increases investment, decreases number of times she can message, I can see face and voice expression and even analyse, I can save vid for future reference.
If you would think logically instead of emotions, you would wait for opportunity to see what is on the phone without talking about it, prior. Now you have to think and plan better.
It is your right to see is she wasting your time, BUT ONLY if you will not create drama nor even talk about it. You don't do it to control her, you do it to take decision.
shit test. verging on or being nuclear test. If I would be close to ending it I would ask her to show me this friend and say that indeed she looks lonley and she should invite her for a dinner. Get wine, weed and fuck them both. Hard ball otherwise she is probably gone [if not gone anyway, coz this quote can also be means of trickle truth 'took numbers for friend' > 'one came to hotel and waited for friend, but she was puking' > 'it just happened']
you should have put that in form of dialogue, it sounds she has interjected the convo, confusing
good but I don't think its enough if you want it going, she might be looking to break boredom and you are to nice [look above how to break being nice, just don't snap your moral spine]
well that is all you need to know, she says goodbye, as easy as snapping fingers, she was ready to jump the branch, there is not much you can do, not needing any advise. If you can: become detached, have other plate, then you can fuck her as plate.
You can also ask her for anything you want: her friends, money... She was dishonest at some point ad doesn't deserve respect.
you shouldn't, she tried to tell you what and when. she should have asked 'can I call you .....' in first place. She was coming from big defence, setting any rules or demands was sign of arrogance. Arrogance is not born out of respect.
she has lured you to a response
it was a soft response and she could have seen it as soft enough to tip the scale and to detach from creepy beta [take it with pinch of salt, but...]
it is popular word, nothing to do with feminism, rather feminine
she tried to offend you using feminine adjective and bait you into rage / emotional answer, to further detach from you
she didn't call you dick or asshole which is at least masculine