I've noticed a pattern with my two exes, and it's the fact that for a while after we meet I'm still the cool guy with goals and a great social life that they like, and I don't really care that much about them leaving, which makes them fall even harder for me and be loyal (that's what I care about the most).
However, after an undetermined amount of time, especially after some bad event happens in my life, I get lazy, complacent, and stop hanging out with my friends and instead I focus 100% of my attention on the girl that I'm dating (this happened with my current ex, if you would like to hear the full story I'll write it out in a comment below), and then she leaves.
I can't seem to break out of this cycle, and although now I am somewhat motivated by the recent breakup, I am afraid of fallng into the pit once again, especially if I start dating someone else.
First-light 2mo ago
I am not sure that is "lazy and complacent". That would be taking her for granted and doing your own thing. I think it must be an active commitment to her. Perhaps it could be feeling secure and committed? Perhaps its being emotionally dependent? I think its a good idea to take a step back and look at what you have been doing to work out what it is before trying to work out how not to do it because how not to will depend on what it is. There is not really enough info here for an outsider to say with any confidence.
Amazing_Egg 2mo ago
Yeah, it's also emotional dependance. (What do you mean by "it must be an active commitment to her"?) I have struggled with that for a very long time with every single girl that I have had any interest for. In fact, it was so intense that as soon as a girl I found somewhat attractive showed me any sort of interest I would fall head over heels for her, and when she wouldn't pay any attention to me, I'd start getting depressed. The worst episode of this lasted for 7-8 months.
I'm going to be honest, I kind of knew that my last gf and I weren't fully compatible, but I figured that since she was so commited at the beginning, she was worth it, but then I became emotionally dependant on her, neglected everything else, and then she started seeing someone else behind my back and left.
If you need any more information feel free to ask.
First-light 2mo ago
By an active commitment I mean the opposite of passive -lazy and complacent is passive, she is there, she is yours, you are happy and chill and not really putting much in. It sounds to me that you are getting a little over invested in relationships and since they mean a great deal to you. You go too far too soon emotionally and you then get needy when the girl is not reciprocating enough.
These things are hard to fix because its not just a case of saying "be less needy" That is a bit like saying to a poor hungry man -be less poor and hungry. You have to look at removing the cause of the need not just tell the guy not to experience the need he is experiencing. I think that is where a lot of RP self help can go a bit off the rails.
There is certainly lots of value in the "toughen up" approach and in trying to make yourself care less for the commitment and attention of women but this only goes so far. You can toughen up by putting up with the cold and rain but its better long term to get a waterproof jacket.
Developing self worth is a good strategy.
All the ways to game women to keep them keen are really only temporary manipulations. They work great in STRs and short LTRs. The only long term way is to deliver a relationship they value. Aiming to deliver value to women while also extracting a fair amount of value yourself in return and not going too far for women is a good strategy but it will require an innate confidence and contentment in your own self worth. Not over investing beyond what an early stage relationship is worth will also come with self worth.
I would read around the topic of self worth. Its a bit wishy washy what is out there but you may gain some insights. Also challenge yourself and achieve. This will certainly increase your self worth -whether its getting a qualification, starting a business, lifting big weights or making a long trek, goals achieved help.
Amazing_Egg 2mo ago
Yeah, I also think it's a matter of self worth. I remember when I broke up with my first gf, and I felt like I would never be able to find love again and that she was the only one that had ever wanted me. Then came my current ex, and she did challenge that perspective, but it's still ingrained in me that I'm not attractive to a lot of women, and in a way, that made me emotionally dependant on her.
And yeah relationships do mean a lot to me, but I feel like it is precisely because I need that constant validation to feel good about myself, but in the long run this is disastrous, especially when the girl leaves after figuring out that I'm actually insecure and very attached to her.
Maybe making myself more attractive and having more experience with women will help with removing this "insecurity", but I still feel like there is a lot more to it than that. I am profoundly dissatisfied with my life as it is, but I don't know what would help me be more content with myself.
financehardo420 2mo ago
Independence; self respect; discipline; stoicism; and above all: an abundance of options.
if you don’t find yourself with a constant stream of abundance in options; you’re slacking somewhere and you need to fix it. Good physique = abundance.
Amazing_Egg 2mo ago
Yeah, my phisyque is rather lacking. I've always been skinny and ever since the breakup I've been unable to eat and sleep properly so i look like absolute shit right now. As for the options, I could find some chicks to fuck, but despite the fact that they are decent looking, I feel like I would end up catching feelings for them, and they are absolute whores so it's not a good deal.
financehardo420 2mo ago
You’re supposed to spend those sleepless nights in the gym lifting heavy as fuck. Not eating will make you look more shredded; use the pain as preworkout bruh.
Lift weights; every week should be a little heavier or a few more reps. Eat 1g protein per lb. 300-500 cal surplus for bulking; 500-1000 cal deficit for cutting. It’s not rocket science.
The gains will get you bitches; and once you’ve had enough bitches in your life you’ll maybe stop so desperate and needy and start being a man for once in your life.
We can all give you the advice step by step here (it’s also all pretty clearly laid out in the sidebar) but it’s on you to put in the work. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.
Cheers
[deleted]
Amazing_Egg 2mo ago
Thanks bro. Yeah, I guess having more options would remove the neediness, and I hope it does so I can finally meet a woman that is worth keeping by my side.
financehardo420 2mo ago
Get that blue pill bullshit out of your mind asap brother
Amazing_Egg 2mo ago
Dunno bro, I keep seeing people around me in happy relationships and they both support eachother in tough times, without the girl loosing feelings for the guy (of course, as long as the guy is not a bitch and/or cries about what happens to him. if that happens, then yeah, she is inmediately disgusted).
financehardo420 2mo ago
Go back to Reddit
whytehorse2021 2mo ago
I'm starting to feel like some of the older red pill guys on here and want to tell you to fuck off and read the side-bar and lift... but I'm a nice guy like you so I won't.
Whatsnext 2mo ago
One thing that helps is having a mission (passion) so strong that no matter what girl you date she is always second to that. So if its surfing, skateboarding, boxing being a lawyer, etc etc. Your focus is never on her because your focus is on your mission
Amazing_Egg 2mo ago
Yeah, I've heard that. The issue is I'm not really passionate for anything in particular, and I do most things just so I don't feel like a complete failure. I am kind of interested in learning to fix cars, but I know that once I do it will become the same as when I learnt how to fix phones. I'll just loose all drive to keep doing it.
EurasianChad 1 2mo ago
Because comfort is easier than difficulty.
Most people choose the path of least resistance. Always have goals you're striving for. Build up discipline, its like a muscle. You build it by practicing choosing the task you know you need to do > the addiction/behavior you WANT to do.
Meditate as a habit, so you catch yourself in your thinking and behavior patterns.
Amazing_Egg 2mo ago
I do already meditate and it has helped, but it's like over time I loose the drive. As passionate as I may be about something (like I used to be for the gym), over time I loose interest in it and sort of relax and let it go.
Lone_Ranger 2 2mo ago
You're not the only one - this is a common pattern.
Here's the thing: NO RELATIONSHIP WILL EVER SURVIVE A WOMAN GETTING WHAT SHE WANTS. It is the kiss of death for any LTR.
You fucked up by giving her what she wanted - committment, attention, your time, validation, you putting her first (above your mission and goals). No LTR will ever survive that. The woman will a) get bored b) realise that you are beta.
The only way to keep an LTR going is if you focus on your mission and goals 100%, and then she focuses 100% on you. If you start focusing on her, your LTR will fail. And then you will both be unhappy.
Ask me how I know.
Amazing_Egg 2mo ago
I understand what you're saying and I agree, but I also believe that she sould recieve some commitment, attention, time and validation, obviously not 100% of it though. How else would the relationship work out?
Lone_Ranger 2 2mo ago
most relationships do not work out. Get used to that. Most people live their lives as a series of failed relationships.
Ask yourself this one important question: What is the purpose of this relationship?
Be 100% honest with yourself about this. Most people never ask themselves that question - they just 'fall in love' and dive in, and then fuck it all up. Every relationship has to have a purpose.
The woman you are with - is she the future mother of your children? No? then ditch her and keep looking. What is it that a woman can provide for you? The answer is rather biological - she can provide legacy. She can give birth to your children. That is all. She cannot be your friend. love and companionship is an illusion. She has the ability to make you a father, and create a family. Everything else is meaningless. you can experience love and companionship within the bounds of the strong bond of a stable family unit. But.... it can never be the goal.