Girl was throwing an usual shit test, mentioning her coworker. However, she told me he "wanted to give her a back rub", how "she declined", but "he went on to do it anyways." I passed the test as usual but some time later it struck me that this shittest perhaps contained with it a major breach of boundary. Would you guys next?
N1cot1n
Posted 3mo ago in Relationship Q - Permalink - Locked - 1.5K Views
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[deleted] 3mo ago
[--removed--]
adam-l Moderator 3mo ago
This looks more like a frame renegotiation from her part than a shit test.
Under no circumstances can you allow situations like that to be considered normal in a LTR. So you have two courses of action: either silently demote her and, if you want a LTR, start looking elsewhere, or explicitly declare that this was a breach or boundaries and you will only let it slip this one time. Just be careful to maintain your cool, don't go Rambo.
Einsamer 3mo ago
I don't feel like this is an option in this case here. She neither felt horrible about it, nor did she cry or indicate in any way that it was undesired, at least OP didn't mention that (saying "no" doesn't mean anything, we all know that).
This isn't even a "frame renegotiation". This is merely pushing the frame a bit, using the disguise of plausible denial ("but I declined!"). Were I the OP, I'd have turned it around and said "I'll help you to make an official complaint at HR and the local police". She would probably respond with "I don't want that trouble, it wasn't THAT bad" to which I would reply "then you should better quit your job, I don't want my partner to work at a place where she is at risk of those things" to which she would reply "you are overreacting" to which I would then reply "I cannot accept to live in constant worry that my partner is exposed to those things. If you cannot take my worries serious then this relationship is over".
Ultimately I don't see how the conversation could go any different, so OP has no choice but to mention the nuclear option and be prepared to take it (which it seems he is).
Unless this LTR is weird/special in some way, there is no other way for it to go IMHO, but I'm curious about what others think. It's an interesting question (we don't have enough of those recently).
N1cot1n 3mo ago
So how do I proceed now, after I reacted to it like any other shit test? Is nexting the only option?
Einsamer 3mo ago
How exactly did you react to it though?
N1cot1n 3mo ago
I think I just ignored it, which I now realize was a mistake
Typo-MAGAshiv 2 3mo ago
And she didn't file a complaint through HR? what ever happened to "no means no"?
The story seems like bullshit, whether the lie is that she ever said "no" or whether this even happened at all.
Einsamer 3mo ago
Ha! I just wrote the same. :)
N1cot1n 3mo ago
Obviously she let him. What she implied was "I didn't really want him to do it, but he insisted so whatever", not that it was forced onto her or whatever.
Typo-MAGAshiv 2 3mo ago
And that's a problem.
Taken women don't let other men paw at and handle them.
Whatsnext 3mo ago
Nah its not a big deal man send the girl you committed to back to work so all the boys can rub her back for her. Shes ok with it. What are you insecure?
??????????????? What the fuck? How do you just let her say that and nothing happens
First-light 3mo ago
Back rub is sexualised contact. How often do you give a man a back rub? You might press on an injured muscle for a friend that he can't reach and massage it a bit to try and release it but when did you ever give a man a proper backrub?
Men know they are not allowed to be controlling in relationships, so they fear to state their boundaries. Sexual contact with another man is beyond the boundary of normal, even if it is this very minor form. You should just tell her that whether or not to say anything has been on your mind since she said it and you have decided to let her know you feel it is important to set out the boundaries of what is OK in a relationship, so please don't allow that to happen again. That's really all you need to say. At this point you are going to drive any breaking of this boundary under cover -which is a problem as you will know less what she is doing or if you can trust her but there is really no option now. If you make a big thing of it you will drive more contact with other men underground than just backrubs, so don't overdo the point. If she gets argumentative try not to wade in. You have stated your boundary. She didn't know before so its not a problem what has happened and there is nothing to argue about.
You can't give someone a backrub unless either they consent or you pin then down by force. "Oh but I just froze..." No you didn't you just took the easy option.
MrSupreme 3mo ago
That reminds me, I should watch Pulp Fiction again,it's been a while. Unless you don't really care about sharing your girl like that, then she just pissed all over you. She's not a plate,it's a LTR as you said so I'm thinking over a year, Wich is enough time for you to establish boundaries and for her to be well aware of how much flirting and touching is too much. She sounds like trash if she just couldn't say no to a back rub at work. imagine with a few drinks on her what any dude could do. At least she told you,that's something.
No-Stress-Cat 3mo ago
Too late. Just file in the back of your mind. If it happens again, then bring it out: "This is the second time this has happened. Unacceptable. Here's what's going to happen now."
Musicgoon78 1 3mo ago
Tell her you've told a girl no but she went ahead and gave you a cock rub.
This deserves at least a strong soft next .
Problematic_Browser 1 3mo ago
That's weird to me.
Id just return her to the streets.
Durek_The_Bald 3mo ago
Let's just be clear on what all this means first:
Getting back rubs from her male colleagues means she still has her fishing net out. Might not be specifically towards the guy who gave it (probably not, it's pretty simpish), but she is broadcasting general availability in the workplace.
Telling you "I said no, but he did it anyways" means she thinks you're a moron she can freely wrap around her little finger. Are you that moron?
Me, I'd demote her to fuck buddy, and not take her seriously again. If I needed some time to process things, calm down, shake off the disappointment, or whatever, I'd demote her quietly, covertly.
Once you say something, you need to stick by it. Don't give ultimatums, ultimatums are fake and gay. Make a decision, and then tell. Even the classic "I don't take seriously women who do X, Y, and Z" is a passive-aggressive ultimatum. So you can't say that, and then take her seriously after all.
Obviously, if you want to hard next her, then you can do whatever. Put her on blast, it doesn't matter. But if you want to keep fucking her, keep her on grass, you need to maintain attractiveness in how you handle things.
mattyanon Admin 3mo ago
This lie is the worst part of the whole thing. "I said no but he knew I didn't really mean it but I still want to blame him and pretend that I had no part in the matter".