It's a bit of a long post, so bear with me.
So I (M22) just had a huge moment of clarity. I don't think I ever had something like this. I basically had a long conversation with a close friend and he pointed me to this subreddit
I honestly don't know where to begin, I'll write as I think so I apologize if it looks disorganized.
Here's the thing. I apparently suffer from a low testosterone and any advice would be helpful. Basically, I don't feel strong, attractive, stable or some other masculine qualities because I probably don't got them.
I came to realize this lately. I don't feel attractive, because I'm probably not. I instinctively turn away whenever I see a pretty woman, probably as a defensive mechanism not to give myself any hope. I tried a lot and you know, no matter what, I can't find someone for myself. Well I can, probably, but not someone that I'd want to be in a relationship with. It's not that I feel shy or unable to communicate, I'm quite extroverted, I've had plenty of tries which amounted to nothing. I often wondered how my friends get a lot of opportunities while I basically get none and the answer probably lays in the fact that they possess the qualities that I lack.
And this is just one aspect of my personality, this transcends just finding someone to be in a relationship with.
I always wanted to be the masculine type, maybe I am in some aspects, but in others, I'm too soft.
I have enough self-respect not to allow anyone to treat me with disrespect. I'm confrontational, ambitious, I'd even say up to a point successful. But there's many other situations where I find myself lacking. For example, even though I don't allow people to treat me with disrespect, they do see me as someone who can possibly be mistreated and I don't have that intimidating aura to back people off.
But here's the thing that made me realize the most that I lack in masculinity.
This is probably due to not having any proper male role model. My father never much paid attention to my development and never taught me any stuff, which is why, for example, I have no idea about cars and doing small maintenance at all. I never had a talk about women with him, which is why I also struggle in this part. I taught myself how to shave. Maybe it'd be easier if he was just absent in that sense, but he made it even worse. There's another huge part to this story. My younger sister. This is where he and my mom also not only left my development aside, but took my masculinity away. For whatever weird reason, she became my dad's favorite, which is okay, but that turned into him praising her by deprecating me. Saying stuff like "you're good at something, unlike him". By raising her this way, they emboldened her arrogance towards me and despite me being a few years older sibling, my parents never instilled into her that she has to respect me. Furthermore, they'd force me to always give in to her. If I was using a PC and she wanted to use it, I'd have to immediately get up. If she cried because I didn't want to do as she wanted, justified or not, it was my mistake and I'd have to do anything so she stops. Such behavior has persisted up to this day. She openly insults me and whenever I call it out, my parents just silence me by saying that they can't listen to our fight. Or if she does something against me and I call her out, my parents just blame us both, without even addressing the problem and tell us to stop. The problem is that she grew to be way too demanding and she'd often lie and cheat my parents for money or some other thing. She has also taken the liberty to insult my dad, which he for some reason forgave her. The problem is, even though she's like that, I can tell that my dad is in a way satisfied with that behavior. He'd tell me, you never knew how to lie or cheat, she will do much better in life. So the deprecating continues. I even heard some family members saying that I should have been a female and she a male, because she's more arrogant and aggressive while I'm more of a tamed spirit. Additionally, she cannot stand any of my success. Whatever I achieve, she can't stand it and desperately tries to match me, though she can't. That's the one thing I'm glad I possess, superior intellect. However, if someone mentions something good I did or achieved, she will just say, "will you stop talking about him, he's your only topic". She doesn't care if she will look jealous, hateful or whatever else. At instances when someone would give me an advantage over her, she'd again be mad. Additionally, she'd take my stuff without asking and there's nothing I can do due to all aforementioned reasons. And as you could already guess based on what I wrote so far, we have an awful relationship, despite me doing my best to improve our relationship. Lately, I just quit on it and started insulting her back, but it makes me think what's the point? In the end, with the help of my friend, I just came to the conclusion that she's disgusted of me and this is probably in huge part due to my low masculinity.
Currently, I'm having an identity crisis, I always tried being the masculine type and I just suddenly realized I'm probably not. What would you recommend me to start my journey of improving myself? I reckon the first thing would be the gym? Moving out (not an option yet for me, as I only now finished education and making some money)? Martial arts? But most importantly, how to deal with my family, especially my sister? What to do if she keeps crossing the line? How to isolate myself and do better? How to elevate myself from the shitty situation im in?
Thanks for helping me in advance. It really took an effort to be brutally honest with myself and I'd appreciate if people were willing to help me and be brutally honest too.
[deleted] 2mo ago
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mattyanon Admin 2mo ago
Gym.
Make a plan to move out of your parents' place.
Sister: avoid as much as possible.
Get into the real world and live your life by your own values and standards. It's tough. The journey will make you more attractive.
Physically: if you're not fit you are 99% certainly fat or skinny. Lose fat. Gain muscle. Women like it more than they will ever admit.
Intrepid_Place53900 1 2mo ago
didn't read this very carefully but it looks like you are having a cat fight and comparing yourself with your sister? Stop
reading this, she doesn't respect you, and shouldn't based on what you are doing. You don't yell and argue with women.
I've got 3 sisters, you don't argue with them. Taking stuff from you? like what? anything of value, buy a safe and put it in there. Get a lock for you room door, assume you live in your own room in family house. You take "action" . Sure you can't hit or be physical with her. You take control of the situation.
You need to practice being Stoic. Read the sidebar , especially No More Mr. Nice guy. Ignore her, put boundary up, tell her she's crossed it and disengage, remove yourself from her presence. She'll probably have a fit, this infuriates women. she may even get so mad she hits you. You make sure you remove yourself after that, you don't hit back, protect yourself defensively. You stay calm, no emotion, you don't discuss things with her, you TELL her it's not acceptable, and remove yourself. Trust me, this will piss her off, but she'll actually gain respect from you.
and, as everyone on here is saying, Lift, then lift more. Lift more, talk less. Eat well, not shit food. Make a plan on moving out as soon as you can.
Ok_Ostrich_1157 2mo ago
Thanks, this is actually a solid and complete advice. It's obvious, but I failed to notice it and thanks for pointing it out. Lifting is gonna solve lots of problems. I appreciate you for reading this and giving me an advice.
Intrepid_Place53900 1 2mo ago
this may help.
https://illimitablemen.com/2014/03/09/how-women-argue/
Ok_Ostrich_1157 2mo ago
I was just thinking about this, this helped a lot
Durek_The_Bald 2mo ago
Maybe I'll get back to this later. Had a skim through for now, and it seems to me like a lot of overthink.
I will tell you this: LIFT. Don't fuck around. Get yourself a program and a schedule, and follow it religiously. Once you've kept at it for at least 3-4 months, then you can start thinking. Probably at least 50% of what you're overthinking can be solved by simply lifting.
Also, if you suspect low T, consult with a doctor. Don't just assume.
Ok_Ostrich_1157 2mo ago
Thanks for the comment, yeah gym seems like an obvious path to start off. And perhaps I expressed myself poorly, when I said low t, I didn't mean like medical critically low t, but rather not having enough t to fulfill my masculine potential with which gym can certainly help.
First-light 2mo ago
I am sorry to hear of your situation. It doesn't sound great but also don't look at it being too bad. There is some less than ideal stuff but don't get too wound up about it. A degree of laconic and stoic behaviour is to be desired in being masculine. Aim to rise above pettiness.
Personally I fail to see how lifting makes a man masculine, except in having applied himself to something with determination, having endured and won improvement over time -those are certainly good masculine things. Lift weights to get strong -good idea if you need strength for life, work or sport. Lift weight to look big and strong to get girls -well OK, if you feel you need to.
Applying yourself to anything is a good idea, something that will make you healthier too is a good idea. From this point of view I would suggest adding in some cardiovascular exercise as it really will improve the mood. Running, cycling or swimming might be good choices. I think these will do more for your mental health than lifting but all serious athletes do some lifting to back their sport these days.
Its very hard but try not to engage too much in arguments with women over their entitled attitudes. The world supports them in these attitudes and women are better with words than men. They argue on emotion not logic and a man can just get lost in their arguments, trying to cling to logic and fact, while they vent emotion. Better just take action. Be firm and fair and your own man.
Protect your stuff from your sister. Explain to her once on a good calm day that what she is doing is not on. Explain you will log what she takes and take it or something of equivalent value back when you like. Keep the log. She will not like this and rant plenty. You just do what you like calmly.
I think with masculinity role models do help. You can find them all over in history and in looking at what successful mature men do and copying it. Its not a case of finding a code that opens the door to being more masculine, it just a case of practising good habits; exercise, nutrition, sleep, reliability, honesty, boundaries, courage and generosity. If you can practise and balance those things, you will be one hell of a man. You don't get there in one go, its just like any game you play, you get there with steps forward and backward but with persistence and kind self criticism.
Ok_Ostrich_1157 2mo ago
Thank you for the support. I think I've been blinded way too much by my angry temperament and that the answer to such stuff is simply to be a bit more stoic and elevate over the petty stuff as you said. I definitely see a few paths that'll drive me move forward and you helped me with this advice. Thanks again!
Musicgoon78 1 2mo ago
That was a lengthy tome of word vomit. Let's give the cliff notes for the other guys:
You're choosing to be a victim and blame your inaction on your dad. That's cookie cutter victim mentality.
As a guy in my 40's the absolute truth is that there are assholes everywhere. It has nothing to do with masculinity. It has nothing to do with your value as a human. Some people just suck and will do what they can to bring you down. It might be your father, it might be your neighbor, your cousin, your friends, a coworker or all of the above. The point is, fuck those people! Obstacles are there just to show you how bad you want something.
So what do you want exactly? You say "masculinity", but that is a vague and ultimately subjective term. My girl sent me this trash clip from fresh and fit the other day of some douche nozzle trying to define masculinity and shame another guy. A ,"real man" has a 6 pack and drives a custom sports car and only dates girls that their peers approve of. Once again, people suck. That guy was a douche and that was his myopic perspective. You ask 10 guys and you'll get 10 different answers about masculinity
I'm being honest that coming on here asking how to be masculine is like covering yourself in hamburger meat and stepping out into a swarm of vultures. You're going to get a lot of shit advice from larpers that will bring you down. So please define your wants in a more tangible list.
I get the gist of your posting, I stopped reading after a while because it's the same shit that most of the new guys on here say. You want to do better with women and someone is to blame for your problems.
Today is a new start my friend. There's a fork in the road. One side leads to a torrid love affair. You will give your mind body and soul to this love of victimhood. The rest of your life will be lonely, depressing, unsuccessful and overall bad. This is the path that some guys decide to fight for until their last breath. This path takes no creativity or drive but consumes your ambition and potential as a trade-off.
The other path is a clean slate. You are now just a guy with endless potential that only lives for right now and the future. The past is already gone. You are simply a man of action from this day forward.
I want you to read this a few times if you need to.. Being successful with women or even socially successful isn't hard, it's uncomfortable. With consistency you'll gain comfort and confidence. This is when you'll realize just how many roadblocks and excuses you created for yourself so you could stay comfortably stuck.
If you're ready to let go of your victim identity and need for comfort 24/7 you're in the right place.
Start by reading the sidebar and maybe write a few sentences about short term goals that you'd want. Masculinity is too meta to really tackle. Zoom in a bit.
Ok_Ostrich_1157 2mo ago
Thanks. A rather brutally honest comment, but that's what I asked for. You're right. I also do hate the victim mentality and I didn't notice I also fell within such way of thinking. I'll definitely be following this forum and perhaps update on my situation. Clean slate it is.
SeasonedRP 2mo ago
If you actually have low testosterone, that is fixable. Trickier in young men since the goal is to preserve fertility but can be done. It sounds to me, though, like it is more mental. The other commenters have given good advice.
Ok_Ostrich_1157 2mo ago
It probably is mental. Thank you in any case, you and other commenters reflected quite well.
Lone_Ranger 2 2mo ago
Everyone here is going to have the same answer: .... you need to lift.
I used to be skeptical of this answer. How can lifting be the answer to everything?
Here's the thing: lifting heavy ass weights makes you feel different. It makes you think differently. It makes you feel good, strong. It's theraputic. It feels like therapy that actually works, without the bs.
Lift.
Lift heavy. Learn to lift. Go to lifting classes. Don't putz around on machines.
Lift heavy ass free weights. Lift like a man. Lift without ego. Don't bother look in the mirror and admire yourself (that's faggy). Instead, lift heavy, and then stand up straight, and ask yourself how you feel.
Lift.
Do it as often as you can bearing in mind recovery periods. For you, at your age, you should be lifting every 48 hours.
Lift.
Lift heavy. Stop making excuses.
Lift the old fashioned way - that means
Squats Deadlifts Upright rows Bench press pull ups Overhead press
That is all you need to know. Keep going. Don't quit. Keep increasing your weights.
Ok_Ostrich_1157 2mo ago
Thank you, I will definitely go lift. And it'll solve problem of not being healthy and feeling attractive.
MrSupreme 2mo ago
Read most of the post, having a dad is a plus, believe it or not. It is you that needs to change.Change your perspective and your expectations, aim to be more than him, less like him and you will find you got in your dad all you need to thrive as a male and as an individual.
Change your focus, learn a skill and focus on a career, some money making venture,something you like and that will help you throughout the years economically, its survival first.Focus on working out,getting healthy and develop some self esteem. There's plenty of material in the sidebar to learn game and get laid, getting some pussy will help you feel better too, and also you'll learn your priorities.
Ok_Ostrich_1157 2mo ago
I got mixed feelings about this. While I do acknowledge that my dad has some good traits to him, my relationship with him is nonexistent. It's not that we hate each other or mad, it's just that I almost never had a topic common with him. Like we don't talk at all, except about necessary day to day stuff. It was just at my puberty age that he started being distant and awful to me and right now, the distance between us is too much. Idk if he ever wanted to have an honest talk with me to teach me something or to show me how something is done. It was always criticism and bullshittery from him.
MrSupreme 2mo ago
I know the type, my dad wasn't only absent,but very distant later in life before he passed. As I said, stop expecting him to give out something willingly or not, he is the man he is, be your own dad as I always said to myself. The Red Pill has a lot of what you need to become emotionally independent, you're already on the right track. It's time to put your relationship with your dad aside cause that's not gonna yield anything positive, if it hasnt happened already Its unlikely it's gonna start now.
Ok_Ostrich_1157 2mo ago
Although I knew that I should not expect much from our relationship, only recently have I seen how that affected me in the grand scheme of things. In any case, thank you for the advice and support. Lots of helpful people here. I'll be following this forum and maybe later update on my progress.
MrSupreme 2mo ago
Yeah you do that, keeping up with the forums and also reading the sidebar.
whytehorse2021 2mo ago
I had a similar blue pilled dad, militant feminist mother, and 2 abusive feminazi sisters. I also had chronically low testosterone. You've been betatized. You can undo that if you want. Like the others said, lifting will increase testosterone if you eat/sleep/exercise right. Combat sports will help your confidence.
Beyond that you have a lot of indoctrination to overcome. This means a lot of reading. It took me a couple years to completely free my mind. I'd suggest you start with "The Manipulated Male" by Esther Vilar. Then The Rational Male series by Rollo Tomassi. You can also read the shit test encyclopedia. Then go through the sidebar to find more relevant stuff for your situation. Good luck!
Ok_Ostrich_1157 2mo ago
Thanks for sharing the experience that'll surely help me. Yeah, basically what my friend said to me, which led me here. She was prioritized and there was no sense of respect instilled into her. Parents supported that kind of stuff and I got betatized. Then I had a huge moment of clarity, frames from my life appearing before me in front of my eyes, making me realize why the thighs ended up as they did.
Of course, I shouldn't dwell on this, but rather act to improve my situation. I'll take a look on those books. Thank you again for leaving a comment.