It's a bit of a long post, so bear with me.

So I (M22) just had a huge moment of clarity. I don't think I ever had something like this. I basically had a long conversation with a close friend and he pointed me to this subreddit

I honestly don't know where to begin, I'll write as I think so I apologize if it looks disorganized.

Here's the thing. I apparently suffer from a low testosterone and any advice would be helpful. Basically, I don't feel strong, attractive, stable or some other masculine qualities because I probably don't got them.

I came to realize this lately. I don't feel attractive, because I'm probably not. I instinctively turn away whenever I see a pretty woman, probably as a defensive mechanism not to give myself any hope. I tried a lot and you know, no matter what, I can't find someone for myself. Well I can, probably, but not someone that I'd want to be in a relationship with. It's not that I feel shy or unable to communicate, I'm quite extroverted, I've had plenty of tries which amounted to nothing. I often wondered how my friends get a lot of opportunities while I basically get none and the answer probably lays in the fact that they possess the qualities that I lack.

And this is just one aspect of my personality, this transcends just finding someone to be in a relationship with.

I always wanted to be the masculine type, maybe I am in some aspects, but in others, I'm too soft.

I have enough self-respect not to allow anyone to treat me with disrespect. I'm confrontational, ambitious, I'd even say up to a point successful. But there's many other situations where I find myself lacking. For example, even though I don't allow people to treat me with disrespect, they do see me as someone who can possibly be mistreated and I don't have that intimidating aura to back people off.

But here's the thing that made me realize the most that I lack in masculinity.

This is probably due to not having any proper male role model. My father never much paid attention to my development and never taught me any stuff, which is why, for example, I have no idea about cars and doing small maintenance at all. I never had a talk about women with him, which is why I also struggle in this part. I taught myself how to shave. Maybe it'd be easier if he was just absent in that sense, but he made it even worse. There's another huge part to this story. My younger sister. This is where he and my mom also not only left my development aside, but took my masculinity away. For whatever weird reason, she became my dad's favorite, which is okay, but that turned into him praising her by deprecating me. Saying stuff like "you're good at something, unlike him". By raising her this way, they emboldened her arrogance towards me and despite me being a few years older sibling, my parents never instilled into her that she has to respect me. Furthermore, they'd force me to always give in to her. If I was using a PC and she wanted to use it, I'd have to immediately get up. If she cried because I didn't want to do as she wanted, justified or not, it was my mistake and I'd have to do anything so she stops. Such behavior has persisted up to this day. She openly insults me and whenever I call it out, my parents just silence me by saying that they can't listen to our fight. Or if she does something against me and I call her out, my parents just blame us both, without even addressing the problem and tell us to stop. The problem is that she grew to be way too demanding and she'd often lie and cheat my parents for money or some other thing. She has also taken the liberty to insult my dad, which he for some reason forgave her. The problem is, even though she's like that, I can tell that my dad is in a way satisfied with that behavior. He'd tell me, you never knew how to lie or cheat, she will do much better in life. So the deprecating continues. I even heard some family members saying that I should have been a female and she a male, because she's more arrogant and aggressive while I'm more of a tamed spirit. Additionally, she cannot stand any of my success. Whatever I achieve, she can't stand it and desperately tries to match me, though she can't. That's the one thing I'm glad I possess, superior intellect. However, if someone mentions something good I did or achieved, she will just say, "will you stop talking about him, he's your only topic". She doesn't care if she will look jealous, hateful or whatever else. At instances when someone would give me an advantage over her, she'd again be mad. Additionally, she'd take my stuff without asking and there's nothing I can do due to all aforementioned reasons. And as you could already guess based on what I wrote so far, we have an awful relationship, despite me doing my best to improve our relationship. Lately, I just quit on it and started insulting her back, but it makes me think what's the point? In the end, with the help of my friend, I just came to the conclusion that she's disgusted of me and this is probably in huge part due to my low masculinity.

Currently, I'm having an identity crisis, I always tried being the masculine type and I just suddenly realized I'm probably not. What would you recommend me to start my journey of improving myself? I reckon the first thing would be the gym? Moving out (not an option yet for me, as I only now finished education and making some money)? Martial arts? But most importantly, how to deal with my family, especially my sister? What to do if she keeps crossing the line? How to isolate myself and do better? How to elevate myself from the shitty situation im in?

Thanks for helping me in advance. It really took an effort to be brutally honest with myself and I'd appreciate if people were willing to help me and be brutally honest too.