I've been following this sub for some time. I felt really unhappy with myself and currently, I'm still not who I want to be, but definitely managed to improve myself by miles.
I've definitely started to feel more attractive, confident and open. For a change, I also started noticing that a few women have been interested into me, but to my misfortune, I'm not interested into them.
Anyway, to get onto the main topic of this post, I've managed to meet a few people at a recent event I've been at and we formed some kind of a friend group. There's definitely one woman that I fancy, so I'm doing my best to get close to her. I've asked her out, just the two of us and she agreed (though I'm not really sure if she got the hint that I like her, which is why I asked her out). In any case, I've also noticed that she's given attention to one guy from our group in particular and I don't know what to think about it. Maybe it's just the usual talk, maybe something more. The thing is, I feel like that if I want to eventually end up with her, that I'd have to subtly "fight" him in order to prevail. Not something that I mind really, I don't shy away from a potential conflict or a disagreement, but in any case, makes me wonder, is it actually worth it?
Forgive me if my question sounds a bit idealistic, but I never had a male role model that would teach me this kind of stuff, which is why I still struggle with things that may seem like a basic concept to the most of you. I've still yet to go out with her and see if there's any deeper connection, though I also don't feel quite neutral about her giving an attention to someone else. We're obviously not committed to each other, so maybe my expectations may be unreasonable.
I guess to summarize this in one sentence, I'd ask, is it worth fighting this guy's influence and trying to end up with her? The reason I'm asking this is because I believe (maybe naively) that you should go for people that want you and find you exclusively attractive. I'd definitely want to hear some thoughts from you, that would point me in the right direction or give me a reality check. Have any of you been in such a situation? Is it worth it' What am I to do?
Thanks in advance
Vermillion-Rx Admin 4mo ago Stickied
No
No-Stress-Cat 4mo ago Stickied
No
MrSupreme 4mo ago Stickied
No
Tiger712 4mo ago
Guessed as much thanks
Vermillion-Rx Admin 4mo ago
No problem
No-Stress-Cat 4mo ago
No problem
Vermillion-Rx Admin 4mo ago
Lmfao you guys kill me
Justanaverageguy 4mo ago
Only person with fighting for is you
Tiger712 4mo ago
Or your close ones, but I get it
EurasianChad 1 4mo ago
Bro just focus on your own life. There are so many beautiful women out there, don't attach yourself to a woman EVER. You'll be out for ruin if you follow her emotions.
Tiger712 4mo ago
It's impossible not to attach yourself. I mean, with this one, I'm not attached because I've never had nothing with her. Having a serious relationship on the other hand is a different story
First-light 4mo ago
Fighting is not worth it. You can be the best you are and see if its good enough but actually combatting the guy's influence runs a few risks not worth taking. 1 it could mess up your friend group 2 imagine if you did "win" what have you taught her -create a contest and beta plays harder. This is the opposite to "stay loyal to your man" 3 if you won and got into a LTR, it would all be fine while she was happy with you and enjoying being competed over but the moment she stopped liking it you would be a controlling man and maybe open to abuse allegations -"he was so jealous and controlling, pushing any man he felt was a threat out of my life" 4 you deserve better than to have to fight to get her attention. You deserve a girlfriend who pick you for your strengths not only for exposing another's weaknesses. Its not good to have a woman who is a "bar room pool table" -held by the latest winner until a stronger or luckier player comes along and takes the table. Such a woman is of no value.
Look at her like a job application. Make your best presentation but don't go in slagging off the other candidates and trying to get them to perform badly or not attend interview. You never know. The post may become vacant again even if you are not the first picked candidate. Women love to have a back up guy, just don't be the backup orbiter, just some cool guy she should have picked but didn't.
Tiger712 4mo ago
Thanks for the advice, this kinda summarizes it well. I got the dignity and pride myself for who I am. I don't wanna be the second backup option. I feel like I presented myself well, if that's not enough, well, I wish her all the best and I'm out.
adam-l Moderator 4mo ago
This.
Explicitly fighting the other guy is a waste of time and effort. Sure, don't shy away for the opportunity for an underhand highlighting of his real shortcomings, that's fair game in love, but don't focus on that.
Act like there's no competition and you're her only reasonable option. Women are experts in adapting to these kinds of societal expectations, it's their biological programming.
Find a way to diffuse your fear and worry, be it a secondary target, working out, or anything. Focus on having a good time and invite her to your world.
Tiger712 4mo ago
Thanks, I'll do my best, I appreciate the support. I feel like that's the best thing I could do for now. Not quitting or shying away, but neither reaching for something that's not there. Thanks again
adam-l Moderator 4mo ago
Anytime.
Just don't make the mistake of exiting, unless you get a hard rejection. Treat soft rejections as shit tests, i.e. interest.
Tiger712 4mo ago
Idk how to feel about that, I'm not really into playing games. Rejection is all the same to me.
First-light 4mo ago
Rejection (not getting the girl) hurts but do try not to take it to heart and let it colour things in your dealings with her. Remember, if she rejects you by playing up to the other guy and giving him positive attention, it does not mean you have done anything bad in her mind. Its not necessarily even a soft rejection that one.
In most cases a rejected man is not deficient, he is just not the one she at the time thinks is the best value in that interaction. Note: women are not known for keeping the same opinion for long. This is certainly true when it comes to men. Each wonderful new boyfriend turns into an ex who was deficient in one way or another. So don't assume the status quo regarding her opinion of him will last.
If she is taking his dick after you asked her out straight up, then yeah you need to get some distance from that but if its still all to play for, you don't have to give up just because she is playing submissive to him and laughing at his jokes, letting him push her about and asking his opinion. This is not rejecting you. I would have seen it that way when I was a young man but when you understand women its often a bit different.
Until I raised girls, I didn't know that most of their interactions with the opposite sex have no real sexual overtones (from the female point of view). I now look back on my first marriage to a teenage girl and think how much I misunderstood. If a guy comes in playing the big dog and he is high value and popular, a woman is going to want to have his attention. Since he is high value she might or might not bang him if events slide that way on the right night when she feels available but probably she will not. Imagine if women did put out for every high value guy who played up to them. Society would crumble! Women are competitive with other women (much more so than men are with their peers) -women are just like hens with their pecking orders. Many of their interactions with men are not about the men at all but about other women. If you are going to be a high pecking order hen, you want to show the other ladies that you can hold cockerel attention. Even if there are no other women to compete with many women still go for the big dog's attention and play up to him but they might never actually want to jump his bones, its often just a security and self perceived value thing.
There is no reason to feel rejected until she is on his knob after you have made a straight play for her. It might not go that way at all but if she is available and open to a relationship, if you back off like a low ranking dog when big dog is around, it just shows she is right that big dog was the best dog on offer. If on the other hand you pretty much ignore what he is doing and ask her out, you have just shown you are high enough value not to care about him.
If you ask couples "who asked whom out?" Its nearly always the guy. Did the girl know she liked the guy before he asked -yeah of course "Why else would I say yes?, so you ask why didn't she ask him out? "How would I know if he really liked me then?" is an answer you hear far more often than you might expect. You have to spell it out to them. Women get so much male attention when young that its just the wallpaper of their lives. Flirting with high value guys is normal if you are not in a relationship. It doesn't always mean to her that that guy is a potential mate. He might be, but so might you. If you don't ask, you will never know if you were a potential mate.
TJMS 4mo ago
Totally echo what everyone else here is saying. When you "fight" for her it makes her the prize, gives her the power.
Show interest, but in an "I can take it or leave it" way.
Tiger712 4mo ago
Thanks, I wouldn't in any case lose my pride by being desperate enough to do whatever necessary just to be with her
Lone_Ranger 2 4mo ago
Dude - just no.
she should be fighting for your time. Not the other way around.
Tiger712 4mo ago
Thanks for the advice
seekinghelp4 4mo ago
"There's definitely one woman that I fancy, so I'm doing my best to get close to her". - Mistake brother. Never just chase one. This gives her total control over you. Approach women as a collective, as a group. Once you can bag a 4, believe that you can bag many 4s. Once you are 8-capable, you can play in that league. This comment also shows that you have hesitated to make your interest apparent. Delayed approaches have a dismal success rate. This is because girls know that alphas approach immediately and fearlessly.
Often women will court multiple men in front of each other to create fights. Women LOVE it when men fight over them. Please don't indulge her. I've been a sucker in this situation several times, and it never works out. The fact is that if she saw you as her best option she wouldn't make you wait or play games.
Best advice in this scenario is to go out and meet other girls. On apps, in your work, in your school, through friends, anywhere. And never stop building your own power. Good luck
Tiger712 4mo ago
Thanks for the encouragement. I'm definitely getting more confident to make my interest apparent immediately, but I'm not there yet. But yeah, I guess this was a great lesson. This advice helps.
Typo-MAGAshiv 2 4mo ago
It's rare to see the comments this unanimous.
Again, no.