Four years ago girl dumps me. Still not fully over it.
I lift. I take care of myself in terms of style, haircuts, skincare etc. Very good career and highly educated. Fucked other women after getting dumped. Have a "new" LTR going on for three years now. Have a robust social life.
I have known of TRP for over a decade now. Did all the cookiecutter self-improvement shit yet I can't get a single bitch out of my mind. It got a little better over time but im not content with the progress. Still thinking about her nearly daily. Discussed the situation with trustworthy people but it only offered temporary relief.
What to do? Anyone else had this and found a way for it to stop?
Im contemplating therapy but being a healthcare professional myself, I really doubt I will get someone who is qualified to deal with this. Most therapists are terrible.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 3mo ago Stickied
Mymorningglory 3mo ago Stickied
Short relationship that lasted a little over 6 months. During the beginning told me that she only dates "kind" men and that I don't seem like one etc. Still kept making plans, buying me gifts and great sex etc. After I got myself hooked told me she had "mild" anorexia when she was younger. At some point I made a comment of valuing self-improvement and fitness and I hoped she did the same. Didn't trigger her. At another point i made a comment where i told her she looked like she might have put on some weight. That did trigger her. There was honestly no malice from me making such a comment but the whole thing went downhill from there. Que gaslighting of her "knowing" i was indeed a jerk etc. I felt guilty and acted remorseful. Eventually she ends things. Apparently her illness was not as mild as she told me during the beginning, she told this to me only when she ended things.
It was not my first relationship. I appreciated her artistic qualities, dedication to things that interest her and a certain kind outlook on the world.
I provided the context if you think it will help with the advice but I don't think it matters. I have long since gone over the why's and if's. I also understand it was stupid to get involved with a person that has real psychological issues. Im not looking for emotional satisfaction but possible tools of getting over it.
whytehorse2021 3mo ago
It sounds like you're more hung up on analyzing what went wrong. My guess is she she is one of those people who plays the game of walking around with a sign on her back that says "kick me" and then is surprised when she gets kicked.
Intrepid_Place53900 1 3mo ago
a girl who had/has anorexia, food/body image will always be an issue with them. Telling her she was putting on weight for sure hit her like brick wall. It's like holding a shot of bourbon up to a recovering alcoholic's lips.
so you feel bad about being a bit of a jerk to her.
Get over it, no one is perfect, this was pretty mild. You told her the truth she was gaining weight and you probably didn't like it. so, that's on her, tough.
There's a lot worse out their than you dude, don't feel bad about it.
First-light 3mo ago
This is about breaking engrained thought patterns. The breakup was traumatic for you. People can say it should not have been that bad if they like but that is how it was for you. It happened when you were deeply invested and in love, when feelings were strong and it didn't seem fair and it really left a mark.
You need to look at how to break free from the thoughts that hold you. What are some practical strategies that people use to overcome being stuck on thoughts. I would look to these rather than to talking cures as talking does not seem to be helping and it is seriously expensive and time consuming.
Possible solutions -doing something that shakes your life up -like undertaking a challenge or a major move into uncharted territory? Filling your head with alternative positives -like more women and hobbies? Practical strategies -baked by science- that people use to overcome traumatic events? Psychedelic drugs -these can help to break thought patterns -check the scientific research, usually one course of treatment is enough, I am not suggesting a bad habit of scrambling your brain to replace another habit that is scrambling your brain.
phteven 3mo ago
You won't be able to move forward without letting her go. 4 years is a long time to be hung up. Why do you still miss her and think about her daily? Have you been going on other dates?
Normally I'd say time is the cure, but after 4 years it is probably something more complicated to unravel. It is normal to mourn a relationship you enjoyed, but it is also important to internalize the "why" it failed to give yourself closure and move on having learned from the experience. If you are too self-aware for therapy, you can certainly study the techniques, but it might be worth a shot to talk to a therapist if you can afford to.
Typo-MAGAshiv 2 3mo ago
1) If you catch yourself thinking of her, direct your thoughts elsewhere.
2) fuck more women
3) make new memories
MrSupreme 3mo ago
I was with a woman for 8 years, naturally there was some good and bad times, I was going to think about her for a while, however the conditions that I had to go through after the break up involved me learning social skills, being around a lot of female (and some male) attention and not being able to have privacy and alone time.It could be a case of serial monogamy.
Looking back it was an awesome learning experience, so I would tell you to forget about getting some alone time, and immerse yourself into a lot of social life, a lot of female attention, make a lot of friends and contacts and try your best to not give a fuck about your oneitis,no matter the good stuff.You shouldnt be where youre at if it was only a few months,get over it with some pussy and social life, invest in yourself.
Mymorningglory 3mo ago
Thanks for the replies and perspectives.
I was in a 10-year LTR before and that breakup did not effect me as much as this short one. I understand its not typical but here we are.
Regarding other women, investing into myself and having a social life. As stated in the OP, I have done that already. After the break up and before my current LTR i dated multiple women. I also don’t consider my current LTR to be inferior to the one that dumped me. Obviously some aspects are different but im content.
Social life is great. I have friends and events both professional as well as recreational. I love sports in general and have been going to the gym for many years now.
Basically you get the picture. Im living life on my terms and you would expect this obsession to end. Yet it persists.
Given the situation, somerhing is clearly wrong but i can’t put my finger on it. Perhaps ”phteven” is right and some way my interaction did cause a lasting trauma that needs more professional help. Though i doubt im in some way a unique snowflake when it comes to this so i hoped someone here might have been in a similar situation and has a working framework around it.