Edit: ignore the bold, idk how to make it go away.
I’ll admit, I have a problem with overthinking.
I think the issue might be this: whenever I’m thinking about a scenario, particularly interactions with other people and what they might’ve meant when they said things/refrained from saying things, instead of just concluding something positive such as, “they probably meant ” I think “they probably meant ” and then I go deeper and try to imagine the feelings and thoughts and if I would say/not say things when I’m feeling that.
Example: someone looks at my shoe and does a double take and I ask then what that was all about, and they say “nothing”. I could just think, “They probably just wanted to check the brand” or something, but then I start to wonder if they were really just thinking that my shoes were ugly and that I have shit style. So then I start to put myself in their position and see if their behaviors would happen if they were thinking the positive thing or the negative thing. This is a made up example, but hopefully it makes sense.
Do other people do this? Is it just a lack of confidence?
Additionally, a lot of times I make a conclusion about a scenario, and instead of moving on I have to run the scenario by other people, and only when they say what I was thinking (typically without me suggesting it because I don’t want to feed them the answers) will I be able to accept the positive conclusion.
Is this normal? What causes this?
adam-l Moderator 2mo ago
Overthinking is an early trauma response. It has to do with not having enough "basic trust" that things will be ok, encoded non-linguistically during infancy.
Yes, you could say that you need to "build confidence". A key idea is that even if things turn out badly, it won't be a disaster. You are a grown man, you can always recuperate this time.
Maybe some short term CBT can help.
Wintergreen 2mo ago
Thanks, so my way of thinking is indeed overthinking?
adam-l Moderator 2mo ago
I don't think a DSM-style diagnosis is helpful or, indeed, meaningful.
Where you need to get is a place where you are "comfortable in your skin".
Clearly you are over-alert, relying on, let's call it, "problem solving thinking".
Try an experiment, and set aside a specific time where you "just be", and watch your thoughts, like a meditation thing. And notice the results: did catastrophe ensue?
The idea is that by trying to make sure everything is safe, you become rigid.
Wintergreen 2mo ago
Okay, I’ll try this for one week and see what happens.
adam-l Moderator 2mo ago
Let me know how it goes.
Wintergreen 2mo ago
I’ve tried and basically what I’ve found is that it’s really, really hard to break this habit of being ‘rigid’ as you say. I’m not just talking about overthinking as I’ve put in my post, I’m talking about not letting thoughts be. However, I have maybe lessened my engagement by 10-20% this week overall.
adam-l Moderator 2mo ago
10-20% in a week is phenomenal.
Keep on, aim to just keep that for a couple of weeks, let me know again.
Wintergreen 2mo ago
Thanks man I will
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2mo ago
I've said this before privately but i think more of your overthinking has to do with not knowing how the world/people work, more than anything else. I don't know how you avoided that. Family probably didn't really explain much to you growing up or you didn't have people to ask a lot of people skills/people understanding questions to
Keep heavily urging you to make friends for this very reason. You don't understand how much of your environment ACTUALLY works, hence overthinking, in your case, primarily
Wintergreen 2mo ago
Thanks, but does my description of my thinking suggest an abnormal though pattern?
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2mo ago
It's abnormal
[deleted] 2mo ago
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