If it is ego, its only the healthy use of ego. To crush your ego is not healthy. You need to see correct view of yourself and your value in the world not to try to diminish yourself totally. You are understandably hurt that she is either consciously playing you or at least allowing herself to put you unfairly far down her list of priorities because she has been angry. I would not ignore that tap on the shoulder, whether you call it "ego" or "sense of fair play".

One thing worth noting is that men do have a better sense of fair play than women. They are more objective and better conditioned by society and nature to think of others first. Women in general are less able to see past their feelings. she is feeling upset/ alienated from you, so she can't feel close to you -this is how she would probably put it. Now in her shoes, you would probably think "We are a bit alienated and I feel a bit hurt but so long as she is not actively hurting me now, I had better take a step closer to her, so we can fix this, then hope she takes a step closer in return, because that would be fair if I moved first, when the goal we both want is to feel close and in union" She is more like "Well if he doesn't make me feel close, I can't feel close can I?"

This is of course not fair but it is to some extent the reality of women, particularly as the hormones that pull them to men weaken over the years till you get to the point where really why are you bothering? (because you made a promise long ago to someone hotter who liked you more) If you have to put more into spinning the generator of good will than the generator puts out in return, is there really any point in spinning it any more? I think this is a question that it is fair to ask.

She can't respect you if she does not feel connected to you. (that's just female brain for you). But is it fair that you have to constantly re-connect her when the disconnect is as much her fault as yours? Women like to be courted. They like you to come back to them beta style while they push you away like angry queens. Tis is not fair and a man should not have to deal with it.

To reward good behaviour is a great idea. Punishing bad is tricky. Sometimes it is a must but women don't think fair and as a rule punishing bad is a game they only like to play and if it is served up to them, they feel too hurt to feel connected for a while. This is fine when most of the time they do feel connected (like in a fresh relationship where there is heaps of pull towards each other) but it is damaging when most of the time they don't feel connected as soon you achieve total disconnect. If 75% of the time she is great then you can punish the 25% of negativity from her by withdrawing affection. This will result in the loss of another 25% of connection (because she is likely to give you back at least as much as you give her of disconnect but you will still have about 50% of the time connected and during this time she will think she wants to work to lower the 25%. If 50% of the time she is disconnected, then don't punish or you end up with zero connection as she will take the other 50% from you in reciprocal punishment (she can't see fairness like you do) or in simply feeling unable to be connected with you.

It is better to work towards a situation where reward happens when there is a good pull between you. Meanness dries women up fast and if she feels you are being mean withholding affection in punishment, it is usually negative in a LTR even if it is fair as hell. One needs to engineer a system where there is more opportunity to get rewards and the loss of opportunity is something that she chooses rather than you dictate.

In the end women are not fair and are subjective. They perform better with courting and reward than with punishment which is totally fair but which has the side effect of drying them up mentally and physically (its all wholistic with them) because they take it as meanness. If they are too much like hard work, they may not be worth carrying on with. As a relationship ages you may need to work towards knowing where its worth bothering and where its worth leaving her alone as you will not get positivity from her in that area without unfairly doing all the heavy lifting in terms of making the effort and putting up with her negativity, while in other areas she remains positive (because naturally you have a shared interest in that area), so you work on rewarding and building those areas.

Build the good days where you can. Not because it is fair but because women are not fair. She can't be allowed to just switch you back on like a light when it suits her but she does need to be given reason to want to reach for the switch even if the light takes a while to warm up. You won't find a fair equal partner in a woman, even if you have been conditioned to think it is possible and is something you deserve.

That's not ego my friend. Something is wrong and she has some resentment. I can't say for certain without more context. I suggest you try some dread. Don't be around and available as much. Withdraw time and attention for bad behavior. Work on yourself and have fun without her. See what happens after a few weeks of this and report back.

Then i start thinking about redpill sentiments like “would chad tolerate this” or “would she act like this to chad” and then it makes me feel like a beta.

1) "Chad" is a meme.

2) beta is comfort, and necessary in a marriage/LTR.

I suggest you read the Married Red Pill Subreddit's sidebar, especially these 3 books: "Married Man Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay, "No More Mr. NiceGuy" by Dr. Robert Glover, and "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" by Dr. Manuel Smith.

I also highly recommend checking out Rian Stone's YouTube channel. He's a moderator at MRP and senior endorsed at TRP, and just about the only YouTuber worth bothering with much. He has a lot of case studies from his years of participating in MRP and askMRP, and his sidebar series is great.

[stuff about hot and cold, etc]

Women are moody. Expecting anything else from them is silly.

then bring this up and basically ask her what her issue is and who does she think she is

Don't do that.

Forget the blue pill bullshit advice of "just communicate!". You're playing right into her hands by doing that.

Reward good behavior. Punish bad behavior (by withdrawing attention, affection, and later commitment if necessary).

Remember that this shit is a marathon, and not a sprint. Be patient.