Theres certain people in my friend circle that ive come to realize wouldnt be as quick to lend a helping hand as i would be.
Recently there was a big contract opportunity that i got through a connection that is high up the ladder in a government department. My first thought was to inform my “close” friends so that they could also hop on board by adding capital to the project and benefit.
They immediately seemed disinterested and were not even giving me direct replies. Keep in mind that i didnt give any specific details yet and just brought up that there was an opportunity that i wanted to share with them. This didnt peak their interest enough to ask for more details, however, if i was to bring up a topic about women or any other cheap dopamine mundane topic then that would immediately peak their interest. They also appear to be at a stage in their lives where they are busy chasing after women which is occupying a large space of their thoughts and actions.
I tend to be a pretty open minded person with an abundance mindset. However, it seems that alot of people nowadays tend to operate with a scarcity mindset and think that life is a zero sum game. They feel that for them to win someone else needs to lose, this keeps them constantly on edge and behave as if they are in constant competition with their friends and those around them. I also believe they dont share their struggles or successes with me or each other for fear of being judged, envied or perhaps wanting to keep things private.
Aside from this they are great friends and we travel alot together, workout, eat out etc. But i feel like the elements i described is whats keeping our friendship from truly flourishing where we can attain success together.
I also feel like the elements that i described is what differentiates true friendships from fake objective oriented friendships. I wanted some pointers on how to properly navigate this without unnecessarily creating enemies, and or ending friendships. I also want insight on these types of friendships that we tend to form in our lives
whytehorse2021 8mo ago
Everyone has rational self-interest as their priority. When your interests align with theirs you co-operate with one another and call it friendship. One day they will get serious with a woman and disappear for a decade. It's just how humans are. Don't romanticize the notion of "true friends". That's like "she's the one". It's just not realistic.
DastardlyCade 8mo ago
You know i used to be like that at one point when i was newer with women and craved their attention to the point that anybody elses attention or messages didnt appeal to me so i do relafe to some degree.
Now that im married with a kid and another on the way. I have time for my own hobbies and work while having time with my wife and kid while also reaching out to my friends. Even if i get busy and caught up with some stuff ill make a mental note of who called or messaged and make it a point to get back to them as soon as im free.
These friends of mine that ive known for a while will act like theyre busy while i know they are glued to their phones. I made this post because me reaching out to them in good faith because i desired for them what i would desire for myself and to me i think thats traits of a good friend. The fact they blew me off without even asking questions felt disrespectful to me. So thats why i questioned this friendship and if our purposes and goals align
whytehorse2021 8mo ago
I suppose you can always find a way to align. Most guys do golf or something like that. Maybe wrench on a car together. My best friend and I like to go to this Mexican restaurant and get these giant margaritas down by the river and some times we like to go do frisbee golf. Another friend and I would go get Mexican food at a local dive and then go try every different strip club in town. After moving so many times my wife is my only friend nearby and we go fishing or camping or good will hunting.
DastardlyCade 7mo ago
Youre definitely right from thaf perspective. But what I’m asking doesn’t really have anything to do with hanging out because they’re cool people in person but when we’re apart is when they act weird. to put my viewpoint into context for example a recent scenario is Currently im abroad so i asked a group of friends how the weather was looking like and if it was going to snow. They both left me on delivered when just a few minutes ago they were talking amongst themselves. Then part of me starts questioning the quality of friends i have when they cant even respond to or acknowledge basic questions
First-light 8mo ago
I would suggest not flushing out the fakes but nurturing the good friends. Don't test friendship, build it and it probably will stand the tests of life. Occasionally you are not sure of someone at first but they turn into a good friend over time.
One clearly has to be aware of negatives -people who are just as you say "objective orientated" but I would suggest only actually being wary of a person when they are clearly acting selfishly. If your interests align and that person might be selfish, carry on with them for now and see what happens, just don't give too much of yourself away. Do not go much further for them than they go for you, then they can't take too much from you.
However, when you receive genuine generosity from someone when it was not in his selfish interest, give that guy back what he gave with a little interest and see what develops.
The example you gave actually looks more like you were the objective orientated one -you wanted to make an investment and they wanted to get on with their lives. If you make a few successful investments in a row, they will no doubt be very interested but maybe to start, they just don't want to take a risk on a tip from the acquaintance of a friend and want to get on with enjoying life. Don't be too hard on them for this. If you have great investment ideas, in time they will really look up to you and want to copy you.
DastardlyCade 8mo ago
You make some great points. I guess the main problem i have is the effort i put into things or situations and i expect others to have that mentality, which may logically make sense may not be applicable in real life. Now that im married with a kid and another on the way. I have time for my own hobbies and work while having time with my wife and kid while also reaching out to my friends. Even if i get busy and caught up with some stuff ill make a mental note of who called or messaged and make it a point to get back to them as soon as im free. These friends of mine that ive known for a while will act like theyre busy while i know they are glued to their phones. I made this post because me reaching out to them in good faith because i desired for them what i would desire for myself and to me i think thats traits of a good friend. The fact they blew me off without even asking questions felt disrespectful to me. So thats why i questioned this friendship and if our purposes and goals align.
Typo-MAGAshiv Endorsed Contributor 8mo ago
Alternate perspective:
You came at them with "an exciting investment opportunity!" but no details. In other words, you asked for money and probably came across like a snake oil salesman.
They probably think you are the fake person.
Just some food for thought.
DastardlyCade 8mo ago
I didnt give any details even regarding amount needed and contract payout. I just said guys i got some good news that we can all make money from. And nobody replied. They even had a side conversation in the groupchat, so i disengaged and didnt continue what i was going to say. Im certain if i brought up a mundane topic that provides cheap dopamine like “yo guys i met this fine chick” this would garner instant replies and interest from them.
This got me questioning the quality of this friendship because me personally if the roles were reversed i would at least reply and ask some questions to see what this opportunity might actually be.
Typo-MAGAshiv Endorsed Contributor 8mo ago
Just because they weren't interested doesn't make them bad friends.
DastardlyCade 8mo ago
I thought real friends were those that are there for you through thick and thin and not only when something peaks their interest
Typo-MAGAshiv Endorsed Contributor 8mo ago
Do you know what that means?
Examples:
1) your house burns down and you need a place to crash until your insurance gets you a hotel. A good friend lets you crash at his place.
2) you go through a messy breakup or divorce. A good friend will take you drinking and listen to you bitch about her for a bit.
3) a good friend will help you move
Being "there for you through thick and thin" does not mean pretending to be interested in every zany moneymaking scheme or other topics of conversation.
*piques their interest.
DastardlyCade 8mo ago
You make some great points. I guess the main problem i have is the effort i put into things or situations and i expect others to have that mentality, which may logically make sense may not be applicable in real life.
Now that im married with a kid and another on the way. I have time for my own hobbies and work while having time with my wife and kid while also reaching out to my friends. Even if i get busy and caught up with some stuff ill make a mental note of who called or messaged and make it a point to get back to them as soon as im free.
These friends of mine that ive known for a while will act like theyre busy while i know they are glued to their phones. I made this post because me reaching out to them in good faith because i desired for them what i would desire for myself and to me i think thats traits of a good friend. The fact they blew me off without even asking questions felt disrespectful to me. So thats why i questioned this friendship and if our purposes and goals align.
Typo-MAGAshiv Endorsed Contributor 8mo ago
1) disinterest isn't the same as disrespect
2) if you actively look for disrespect in every interaction, you're going to see it even when it isn't there. Relax a bit.
DastardlyCade 8mo ago
Youre definitely right from thaf perspective. But to put my viewpoint into context for example a recent scenario is Currently im abroad so i asked a group of friends how the weather was looking like and if it was going to snow. They both left me on delivered when just a few minutes ago they were talking amongst themselves. Then part of me starts questioning the quality of friends i have when they cant even respond to or acknowledge basic questions
Typo-MAGAshiv Endorsed Contributor 8mo ago
That's a bit different, but I'd still extend the benefit of the doubt.
DastardlyCade 7mo ago
Would you make do with the fact that certain friends were hot and cold when it came to interacting with you when you weren’t together or would you chalk it off as a personality flaw of the person and carry on with them regardless of whether they are actually like this with everyone else or just you.