I'm sure everyone here reading this will have alot to say on my beta behavior. I already realize alot of it. I've been the "drunk captain" for awhile and recently have had a big mindset change. Let me give some more detail. What I'm looking for help with is understanding how to move forward.

I'm a 29M with a 27F LTR. We've been together 6 years. Things were great for awhile until about the last 2 years when it started going downhill. She met me while I was still in a big party mindset/phase, and I was literally the drunk captain. It's really tapered off at this point in my life. I still love occasionally going out and partying with my buddies, but nothing like previously. She really nagged alot about this, understandably. My behavior with/around her while drinking was horrible. Her nagging about it really grew more over the years.

Around this time, I would say for the first 3-4 years she hinted ALOT about marriage, but never really asked me directly about it. It was always in the back of my mind, but I as well never had a serious discussion about it. I was still very young and still getting my career in order, still looking to have alot of fun, and wasn't exactly ready for kids. I definitely wanted a wife and kids, but it just wasn't the time yet. I also did not exactly know where I wanted to live either.

About 2 years ago she started looking for graduate school programs for the career she was trying to build, which ended up with getting into a program halfway across the country, nowhere near family or friends. At this point in my own life I began thinking more about what exactly I wanted my future wife and life to look like (I know, pretty bad timing). I had already been exposed to alot of redpill thought for awhile at this point.

Additionally, I really began hinting and talking about how I wanted to move out to the country eventually. In particular I talked openly about moving somewhere that was potentially 3-5 hours away from our present "home" near where we both lived. Whenever I mentioned this she would exclaim how she didn't want to move so far away from family. I still never had any kind of direct talk with her about this or our future. In my mind I told myself "she'll come around". This is important later on...

I really wanted to have a traditional family style life and wife; stay at home wife, kids, I bring home the bacon, etc. I realized the road she was about to choose to go down and tried to reason with her. Posing the question, after all these years chasing your degree and career, will that really make you happy... I guess I tried to redpill her on the feminist path she was about to go on. I cared about her and her happiness, and of course was even contemplating marriage with her, but this decision effected alot! I felt the need to try and turn things around, and even thought maybe she'll lose interest in this persuit.

At this point I figured, I'm this much invested in her, and things could change. I told myself, let's keep riding the wave. I myself still wasn't exactly ready to settle down anyway. I agreed to stay with her and help with moving, and then living together, etc.

Looking back, after I made this decision the relationship took a big turn and things got progressively worse. I thought to myself, you know maybe you're still being the drunk captain, fix your s**t, clean yourself up, etc, but her behavior deteriorated more and more, nagging persisted, sex dwindled, and lots more fighting. My mentality was that I could train her better, turn her behavior around, and aside from that she had no other flaws. I really did think that if her behavior and attitude could be changed, she would be great wife material. I just needed to gain my respect back.

So the move happened, and things got even worse! As you could imagine, the relationship was a huge drag emotionally for me, I started becoming depressed, lots of tragedies in my family and friend circle that attributed to this, on top of now just moving halfway across the country and not being able to see most of them. I grinned my teeth and tried to push through. I used this time away to focus heavily on myself improvement mentally, physically, spiritually, etc. I think I understand alot more what exactly I wanted to achieve in life, and what my mission is. I no longer feel like the drunk captain. As far as the relationship though... I continued reading through forums, looking for advice, treating this as my own problem in the relationship that I needed to fix. Nothing worked.... intimacy was practically gone, and even so my attraction to her finally sunk to almost nothing. I resented her and really began contemplating when/how to talk and break things off.

Just 2 weeks ago I sat down with her and talked about it, being very clear about how I have tried my best to turn things around, and put my best foot forward, but no intimacy is something I can no longer tolerate. Hell I even told her I blamed myself for letting it get to this point, which I personally do still!

Not in these kind of direct words, she essentially admitted that she was unsure about our future and that's why she's been holding out. She really did not want to move away so far from family, and she knew that's what I wanted. It boiled down to her feeling uneasy about our future together. We discussed this further, and she eventually wavered that she would be okay with the idea. We discussed other stuff like kids, jobs, etc.

Now at this point, I still feel unsure about how this professional woman will be able to manage a large family and a full-time, or even part-time job simultaneously. I really just don't see how that will happen, but also I don't want to overthink this.... aside from all that though, if I'm being honest with myself I am really just tired of her. My attraction level to her is in the gutter because of how this whole thing has turned out. After this whole discussion, her mood became alot more upbeat, and sex pretty much immediately returned, with her even initiating it, but it feels like a terrible taste is left in my mouth now.

I'm not sure why I feel like this, accept for that at the time I sat and talked with her I was pretty much 99% ready to break it off. Now it feels like the kind of sex you have with an ex you previously dumped.

After all this time I've mentally prepared for a breakup, I guess maybe I've looked forward to it in a way. Now I simply just don't care anymore. I'm at the point with her where any kind of infraction against my frame or "mission" I'm just not tolerating anymore like I used to. I also can't understand, or maybe don't trust her...

I know many will say to just breakup, and I am at that point, but I feel lost and am hoping for some personal insight.