Not sure how to effectively summarize my own question but essentially it boils down to:
Is it better to ignore your ego and brush everything off and see people for who they are and that they're just fulfilling their needs (mindset I had when I was doing heavy psychedelics)
OR
Give in to your ego as a strong ego goes hand in hand with a strong frame
This question has been on my mind since I am still clearly bothered by my first ex who I dumped after she was moving shady, I don't think she cheated but she was hanging out one on one with guys, who if I'm being completely honest, did not measure up to me in any avenue and I saw them as quite pathetic. But they were clearly into her and eventually I just got sick of the shit and decided I would rather not date someone who does that, she spun stories and whenever I would figure them out, the lies would get more and more elaborate but whatever that's besides the point.
So I find out one of my "friends" was hanging out with her one on one during the tailend of my relationship and dumped his own girl to be with her after I broke things off. I'm not going to lie, I might have ended things but that's only after I got severely mentally f*cked, I might have not lost frame completely since I had other options at the time but the damage was done mentally. I was raised to be a goody two-shoes and spending too much time with a naturally manipulative person who was a self-described pathological liar gave me migraines.
This "friend" does not come near me in terms of looks or physique, but is probably slightly more socially adept, though he hangs out with people no one cares about.
I've "moved on" since, this was about two years ago and I have gotten with much hotter girls with significantly less mental issues, however I am part of the same sports community as her and that dude. I have a lot of status in this community merit-wise, I dominate in the sport, however she is a pretty girl and the community is full of simps and she's always trying to come watch my games etc. Honestly I would sleep wit her if I didn't know the manipulation and games that would come after, she's just not worth that headache.
That being said, I feel like a dumbass since I didn't even notice they were dating. I never realized this dude I thought was my friend could break bro code and keep acting friendly and dapping me up for months after they started dating. I honestly just want to cold shoulder him now and amog him but I know that's my ego and it's clearly driven by insecurity of some sorts. Maybe it still bothers me since she was my first but god damn I thought I would've been able to move on after 2 years. There have been periods of time where I felt nothing towards them, and once again the feelings are as intense as ever when I was the one giving the cold shoulder last.
I honestly realize this is a pathetic vent, but I'm sick of thinking of them. I'd appreciate any thoughts atp
derdeutscher 2w ago
Listen to your gut. If you think women (or anyone else) is lying, she/he/it probably does. When it comes to naturally deceptive/manipulative persons, they do not change. Next time when you meet that kind of person, run away. Or at least do not start a relationship with them. I had few casual girlfriends which were obviously lying, but I did not care at all. Sex was good, all I need to know. But relationship? Nah.
As for the "cheating". If I understand correctly, she cheated on tailend of your relationship? Dude this is normal. Women rarely break up without finding someone else first. For her that relationship ended way before you think. It hurts? Yes. Would you do the same probably? Yes.
It is not only women, I as a man did the same thing. My last relationship was just refusing to die, dragging along for 4 months of bad communication and almost no sex and obviously no feeling except resentment I guess. I was with someone in that time..because I truly did not feel I am in relationship anyway.
Very few relationship end with a nice cut, it is often like if you made a cut with 120 years old rusty scissors. Thats all part of the game I guess.
As for your question, both options are bad. Ego and strong frame are just temporary..ego is fragile, unstable, and easy to hurt. If you tie yor frame to your ego...well you get it. Brushing people off as assholes? Well we all exist on a spectrum and things are not always simple. Yes people go after their own needs. But you do too. And nobody is perfect on the way. Maybe thats better way to see it..
Peace bro!
MrSupreme 2w ago
You gotta get into your head that your turn is over and shes moving on.Women are more likely to move on fast because getting dick and attention comes so fast for them.
What you need to do is to move along,enjoy getting attention from better girls,fuck them and stop giving a fuck about this one girl. Thik of the possibilities,of the abundance of women you could be getting.
Whatsnext 2w ago
Most guys aren't your friend in the way you think they are.
When I was 16 I was smoking with my friends on campus and someone told on us. They brought us into the principals office and interrogated us with security. I was raised around criminals so I already knew to never say anything and I didn't. I got suspended. When I was walking in the hall out of the interrogation room, one of my other friends walked past and wouldn't look at me in the eyes. I knew right away he told on everyone. (He was in class the next day when I wasn't allowed on campus for 2 weeks) I didn't even consider that you could be a bitch like that but act so differently in a group. Even people I hang out with I don't consider friends I consider acquaintances.
Your "friends" will try to fuck your girl. They will sell you out if it benefits them. Most people don't see life as a win-win scenario. They think they have to make you lose for them to win. (I could be overly jaded from multiple personal experiences, though.)
[deleted] 2w ago
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First-light 2w ago
We all have bad days as well as good ones. Try to see it as you having a bad day.
There is no point pretending one is on top of one's ego when it comes back to floor you. Of course it is better to try to get to a position where you can let it go so it stops hurting you but if it is hurting you, all you can do is wait it out and try to see the good side of things - you got to be with hotter saner girls and he got your left overs.
If he was sleeping with her before you broke up then he has done you a grave offence, against which there is no remedy that does not risk hurting you -you can't punish him without risking falling foul of the law and being labelled a toxic male. (Mind you -when is a modern woman ever worth fighting for anyway, even if you have not tired of her?) If it was all over when he started, then really he has done you no wrong, just should have been more open.
Women always like to have options and back up guys. If they are not happy, they will start looking to their options, even if they don't enact them. They feel their weakness and want the protection of knowing they will not be alone.
derdeutscher 2w ago
Why fight over for a woman who cheated? Is hurt ego really worth of issues with law or even prison time? I was cheated on once, I was just happy that she is out of my life. It was not the best feeling, but going to prison will not change it. Cheating whore is now another guys problem and karma usually gets to both of them because cheaters are usually emotional wrecks.
Anyway I agree about your point about womens weaknesses. I believe all women have abandonment issues and at least some level of BPD (borderline). Thats at least part of why they often have guys on the leash especially when relationship goes through uncertain moments, most of them immediately gets a few new numbers.