I've worked my way through the Sidebar. Identified many of the ways I've went wrong in the past. I was very outcome dependent. Needy. Seeking validation through women and sex. Haven't had friends in a long time outside work. I didn't really have a purpose post COVID lockdown. I came out of lockdown worse than I went in.
I've been really looking back at the past without the rose tinted glasses. I'm starting a new job. I've signed up to the gym again but I know I want to stick it. I've been looking at moving home. Been keeping myself busier with studying my degree, writing, even just taking time to enjoy myself in the simple things. Which does mean listening to music and headbanging at times. I went on a date with someone new but I'm not fit at the moment so feel insecure about trying to game.
One thing I'm struggling with is my ex. We decided to meet around Christmas. This was after me going no contact. The vibe was good. We have each other a little present. We grabbed dinner.
There was flirting. I owned up to shit I did wrong but in a proactive way. Gave me a bit of closure.
Then we parted ways. No kiss or nothing sexual. Which is fine even if part of me thought something might happen.
Fast forward, we went through spells where she was sharing pics of her day but ignoring what I was mentioning about mines. A lot of low effort messages. Disinterest. Then we had a disagreement and she made it clear as much as she wants to sleep with me, it would never happen again.
So when she started taking longer to reply, I realized I was giving too much energy for little. So I started matching her energy. She ended up taking two days to respond, low interest. I took two days to respond and matched the energy.
She sent a reply basically saying "Oh you are still alive. It's not like you. Are we ghosting each other?"
So I made it clear I'm not on Whatsapp as much anymore for me and I'm aiming to achieve the goals I sidelined before.
It ended with us pretty much closing the conversation. My ex has been sarcastic, at times disrespectful, low interest. Ignores things I send and I'm aware at times I was sinking way too much time into messaging.
Where do I go from here? I mean I still value parts of what we had but I doubt myself because I did fuck up at times. I also think she is breadcrumbing and trying to keep me in orbit, but it's hard to know if it's due to the past she is being defensive.
derdeutscher 1mo ago
Delete her contact once and forever, without any explanation or announcements. Move on.
hierophantoracle 4w ago
It's tough to do but I do know I can't put energy into being an orbiter. Looking at the patterns is pretty sickening. I won't let myself be that. I deserve better.
AbusiveFather1 1mo ago
why are you texting your ex? do you want to get back together? if so - why?
move on.
MrSupreme 1mo ago
If you really want to get your dick wet then stop orbiting your ex that has told you it isn't gonna happen with you. Read and INTERNALIZE the sidebar material bro.
Start by meeting 2-3 girls in person or in OLD and start spinning those plates, let abundance mentality heal you
hierophantoracle 4w ago
I know it won't happen even if she wants to. I've stepped back and said "I'm not on Whatsapp as much anymore as I have goals to focus on".
She responded to them with emojis so I'm just going to leave it as that. I have allowed myself to orbit her. No more putting in energy for nothing.
With the meeting new girls, I'm still not anywhere near fit enough at the moment so my focus is on getting fitter. Losing weight. Do you still recommend gaming other women?
MrSupreme 4w ago
Yeah totally,meet some girls and try to have always more than 1 around, both before and after meeting/sex.
Also,you may want to hard next your ex.When you orbit and then stop,she will reach out and show fake interest just to keep you around and hook you up back into her pack of orbiters.Hard nexting will prevent that and give you both closure.
hierophantoracle 3w ago
There is a ton changing in my life for the better at the moment so I'll capitalize on that.
I've heard nexted my ex. I left it on message saying I was focusing on my goals and I wanted to minimize distractions. I haven't followed up since then and she hasn't replied so I'm just letting it stay that way.
MrSupreme 3w ago
Good stuff, feel good about it! And congrats on your good news
First-light 1mo ago
Remember she is your ex not your girlfriend. There is a reason she is your ex. You might be looking at yourself but the reason won't be all you.
You have taken on board that you made some mistakes and worked on fixing them. Has she done the same? It is telling that when you match her response rate, she complains of being ghosted. She is still treating things like you are her thirsty beta and there on tap when wanted. That's how she views her relationship with you. One person has done the work to change their mindset, the other appears not to have.
Accept the new reality and move on. Be an excellent man. Meet women and have good interactions with them. If your ex comes along you can always take a shot at her if she drops her barriers but while the barriers are up there is no point at all. She probably won't drop her barriers but if she does it won't be because you tried hard to undo past things but because she had a great time with you and felt relaxed and trusting. You would need a re-set to start again with your ex. Right now there is not enough space between you and she has not re-set her mind.
You still have oneitis here. Just leave your ex with a pleasant but not simpy message -so you are not ending on a disagreement, then think of and do other things.
hierophantoracle 4w ago
She hasn't taken responsibility for specific things. She "was sorry" for "the way things turned out" but never addressed specifics.
You're spot on. I've let her put me in her orbit and breadcrumb me. I won't be that person.
I think where it was tough is that things were generally exciting, passionate and the sex was amazing. She did, when I wasn't being beta and needy, really cute things for me and treated me well in some ways. But, she was argumentative, selfish, egotistical and dismissive of my perspective too. We spent a ton of time arguing. So the rose tinted glasses are gone.
You are right, I can't salvage anything from this. I need to move on. Focus on myself and new people. Making myself better everyday.