Some of you saw my other posts and said stuff like "bro you are tripping" and yes, I am. Mentally I am struggling. I keep getting demoralized. I really do like myself and am proud of myself when I am thinking about who I am clearly. (not clouded by social media brainwashing/comparison to others/desire) I am 28, been sober from hard drugs/alcohol for a few years, in my early years from 18-23 I was bad on drugs, all basically trying to escape the same mental bullshit I have now. For the last 2 years, I have been obsessed with the gym, I push myself hard, consistently, I eat a strict, counted, clean diet of grass fed beef , chicken, etc , my body looks great, I am tall , I am good looking, I have cool hobbies that I love like motocross and guitar but I feel like shit about myself irrationally. It has almost always been this way for me. ( I am not being conceited I am just showing how my mental state doesnt match reality)
For some reason whenever I see a cute girl, I get sad. It just feels like a gaping hole inside me. I tend to fuck up plates and potentials because I get this feeling and then act weird. Its almost like the feeling you get when/after watching porn (which I dont) where like you see some girl that you want and it just makes you sad because you know someone else is getting it. It's like I feel I have no value, even though I am extremely dedicated to self improvement, I have a great personality when I am not in my head, I have a great look, I am giving at sex and good at it, I have everything to be confident about, and I am confident, but I am also sad. I think alot of it stems from past experience getting hurt by girls that I liked that I was fucking (before RP).
I don't want to feel sorry for myself, and I really dont feel sorry for myself, I am mad at myself. I always think back to all the opportunities hot girls were giving me IOIs and I was too dumb/self absorbed in my own head about bullshit insecurities to even realize. I am massively regretful of my lower than expected body count of girls I actually want. I realize how ridiculous and irrational this all is. The cognitive dissonance between what I am and should be vs how my life has gone because of the bullshit insecurities and how i have conducted myself is crushing me.
Last summer, I had basically completely given up on trying to find new girls, and dying inside, except for one 50 year old cougar which I know i deserve better than. Until my best friend realized what was going on and talked to me and snapped me into wanting to try again, and I started to approach and get confident again, it was amazing. I was doing really good until November, when the sun went away, and I had a few weird dates and flakes and a few really good hookups with plates/FWBs that made me basically catch feelings and make this whole problem worse, and since then I've been all fucked up mentally.
All I want to do is get more plates, but I have this black hole of hopelessness inside me for absolutely no reason. I constantly try to do positive self talk, look in the mirror, right myself notes, let go, etc. But it just keeps coming back. I am basically like a sex addict, I am obsessed with sex and my psychological sex drive is massive, and I dont watch porn and I rarely masturbate because I abstain. It drives me fucking nuts to have this kind of libido, and know my potential, and not have barely any plates except two older women in their 40s and 50s, and one 22 year old that I really like that I know likes me but also is totally unavailable.
I also will say the lack of sunlight is killing me, totally fucking up my mood, its cloudy every day. One day last week we had the first day of direct sun in what seems like months and I went outside with my shirt off and I literally instantly got a boner because of the sun, lol. If that doesnt illustrate the power of the sun then nothing does. haha. I take a high dose of vitamin D, C, Zinc, Omega 3, Magnesium, religiously every day. My testosterone should be fine, I had my level tested a year ago it was 605.
I am really not trying to complain, not trying to bitch and moan and be all emotional, I pushed myself after getting sober to do difficult, uncomfortable things in spite of my feelings and I totally changed myself from an emotional, arrogant and self pitying faggot to someone I am genuinely proud of. And thats the thing, I really do like myself, I feel good about who I am, I am proud of what I have done. But at the same time I also have this massive dark cloud feeling that follows me sometimes, especially relating to girls/comparing myself to others, and social media makes it much worse. In fact during the period that I started doing good again, I didnt have a cell phone, I just texted girls off of a free text app on the laptop when I was at home, which was also good because I was much less available. As soon as I got a phone again in november, my mental state dropped off a cliff.
Thank you for anyone who took the time to read this, I appreciate you and any wisdom you have to offer.
joyboy 1w ago
Man i feel the exact same way except i have 0 experience with girls (haven't even kissed one) so it's like exaggerated by a factor of 10000. I'm just surprised you feel like this while having experience with girls. Makes me wonder if I'll still feel the same even if i get a girl eventually
itsovER 1mo ago
everything you mentioned is massive COPE. permablast 250mg test C every 3.5 days, 25 mg anavar for the first 8 weeks. I was a depressed soyboy once aswell.
TheBarber 1mo ago
hahaha. i’ve been considering it for over a year. i’m far from a soy though, my physique already looks sweet and i haven’t ate any soy in over a year
can you elaborate on how its cope?
itsovER 1mo ago
training, eating well, staying sober and so on definitely works, but speaking specifically about raising testosterone, it wont give you anywhere near the effects online sources and redpill gurus claim. the sun didnt give you the boner, you placebo'd yourself lol. these sort of things do something if you already had problems (deficiences and other health issues) , maybe gives you an edge when you're older. sleep well + lift hard and stay lean = 99% of what you can do naturally for better testosterone levels. stop wasting money on those supplements
as regards to other stuff you mentioned. I can relate, I believe that your untapped potential is heavily pressuring you to do more. as you said you're tall, good looking and from what I can read a guy who's disciplined, you expect much more from yourself especially when it comes to dating, at least this was my situation just a few months ago, now things are slowly starting to move my way, not perfect (we're getting there) but I can tell you A LOT of that inner pressure is gone, that cloud is slowly moving away, and I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. you got this man, put yourself out there, you only have to get the wheel moving and then the growth is exponential.
First-light 1mo ago
That sounds like a lot of Test. I am still debating whether to try it at less than 100mg a week. Do you not get any sides? How long have you been doing it? How much strength did you gain?
itsovER 1mo ago
compared to TRT doses its high definitely, but when it comes to steroid cycles that pretty mild and considered the standard beginner cycles. sides not to hard to deal with tbh, my experience wasnt so smooth because I wanted to keep my balls alive and block DHT to not lose my hair, these make controlling estrogen a massive pain in the ass. I blew tf up. bench pr went from 240 to 300 2 reps. I am gonna PCT and stop I am young and dont wanna completely demolish my HPTA. its fun tho
First-light 1mo ago
What did you do to keep your balls? Even though I am relatively old I think its the fear of damage to my balls that keeps me from pulling the trigger on it, even though I don't want any more children. Part of me wants to know what the other life enhanced would be like and at least just try it but the other part says "Don't it could be a one way move since so many guys end up on TRT for life after using Test".
Dark108 4w ago
I’ve seen and heard the reverse, be very careful! People in 30s etc losing their t and now in life long TRT
itsovER 1mo ago
I'd say if you're done with children, do it 100%. you use HCG to keep the process of spermatogenises up and running, basically it stimulates receptors in your balls to produce the natural hormones they'd naturally do and that keeps you fertile. I dont wanna have kids now, but I used it to make my PCT easier, if you never shut off your balls you'll never need have to dedicate time and resources attempting to "turn them back on".
and yes could be one way move, especially for young dudes (me), but you only live once tbh, I'll only get one life and I wanna be a young, jacked, aggressive dude with 24/7 boners. I've done shit ton of research and I think my PCT protocol will get me through, I wont be doing any more cycles for 5 years after this.
First-light 1mo ago
Got HCG in the fridge ready in case I pull the trigger, still pondering but its good to hear a success story. It would be good to hear how your PCT goes, what you use and to hear that you keep your boners.
itsovER 1mo ago
lol hell yeah on cycle boners everywhere, its my first so no clue if I'll still get to keep them during PCT.
for PCT I am planning enclomiphine 12.5 mg for 30 days, also something I'll be adding which is less of a standard practice is kisspeptin 10 peptide, 1 mg daily for the first 10 days alongside the enclo ofc. this is extra and I think any person who's old enough should be able to do well PCTing off enclo or nolva
[deleted]
TheBarber 1mo ago
i’m always avoiding therapy because i really don’t buy into a lot of modern psychology, a lot of it is lies and brainwashing, but if there was a wiser male therapist out there who has been through some shit and is in a position in life I want to be in then i’d be open to it. what i really need is a guy who’s been through this type of shit to coach me
i absolutely will not touch psych meds , shit is garbage
throwaway415 1mo ago
I second this. There might be some people who are really fucked up out there who might benefit from it, but I think for most of us, therapy and psych meds do more harm than good.
The best "therapy" is just doing shit that makes you happy, having great friends who you can count on when you're going through hard times, and being the best you can be at whatever it is that you're passionate about.
[deleted]
throwaway415 1mo ago
I think many of us have been at a point like this in our lives. Hell I find myself feeling like this still from time to time due to a combination of shit that happened throughout my life and I'm in my mid 30s. I don't think there's really any magic solution other than continuing to do what's right for yourself and putting yourself in a positive environment, surrounding yourself with positive people, good friends, and enjoying healthy hobbies.
I travel full time for work and my job takes me to places with abundant amounts of attractive girls to fuck. I don't get as much pussy as I would if I had a more "fun" personality (I'm generally very dark, pessimistic, and could be described as "boring" because I haven't been a party guy since high school/early 20s) but I've still been managing to get a decent number of lays. I can relate to the whole "catching feelings" thing with girls who treat you well and are easy to talk to, but if you maintain a decent number of plates it takes a lot of sting out of it when they inevitably move on.
What is your passion? What are you really good at? What are your goals in life? Pursue the things you're passionate about. Keep a small circle of good friends who you can talk to about shit that bothers you, and who might be able to help you with some of your life's struggles. If your current environment is doing a number on your well being, try to change it. See if you can go someplace you like more. It's not a magic bullet that will fix everything, but you'll be much better off.
First-light 1mo ago
I am sorry to hear you are down. Its never easy to offer people advice on this sort of thing because every case is unique. If you are eating and sleeping well and exercising, you are doing the right things. Can you make your job less stressful?
Drugs can mess people up long term. My assistant has worked for me for over a decade. At first he was a total space cadet from drug use -I kept him purely for his great loyalty- but now he has cleaned up his act and is a lot better and happier but it has taken years.
As one gets older and goes through ups and downs one things one learns is that "This will pass" if you tell yourself this and then kindly tell yourself to get a smile on it can make things a little better. When you are younger you can worry that it won't pass but take it from someone older, it very likely will and if you keep doing good things, you will be more likely to come out of it faster.
With women its usually a case of what do you offer them? and I think you have probably nailed it that a serious character with a tendency to melancholy is not something they value much (I know because I am serious and have been quite melancholic in the past. They value it least of all in STRs -which are for fun after all. You might try acting just happy and shallow -not trying to be aggressive and dominant, just happy and confident. You could also look into a LTR. This would bring less pussy but might get you someone who valued the seriousness a little bit more or at least would be prepared to tolerate it more.
TheBarber 4w ago
yeah i think your dead on, that’s the thing is i am very overly serious, aggressive and dominant by nature. i lose that happy and shallow part of me which is really the key. i gotta stay in that.
like i said to someone else, it’s like my sex drive feels bad to me now. instead of feeling happy and driven and excited to talk to girls and see them in public, it makes me sad and feel despair when i feel that internal drive and urge
EurasianChad 1 1mo ago
Quit social media unless you're making money off it. Stop watching other people's lives/stories. Its irrelevant Keep getting more ripped. Start looking to how girls should be good enough for you, rather than you good enough for her. It'll make you screen them more clearly.
Smile and laugh bro. Life's good
Redpillpusher 1mo ago
You have that black hole because you have not decided what your purpose is in life. You chase females to fill that hole; since you have no purpose you have no way of assessing your progress in life so you use a weak substitute: the caliber & amount of women you can get.
TheBarber 4w ago
You are partly correct but i have had a purpose for the last year, my purpose has been the gym and bodybuilding and i have been very dedicated. I think i have not accepted what my true purpose is though and made the decision to stop measuring myself by external validation/standards.
It’s like my sex drive doesn’t feel good anymore, I don’t feel excited to look at girls and talk to them, I feel despair
Redpillpusher 4w ago
Bodybuilding is not a real purpose. If bodybuilding is a purpose than the 45 year old guy with a beer belly, boring 9-5, 2 kids, and no real interests outside of meticulously treating his lawn can be said to have a purpose since he's dedicated to maintaining his lawn. The loser who religiously watches his favorite team every evening and weekend of the sport season can be said to have a purpose because he's dedicated to stay up to date with his team.
This despair you feel isn't uncommon. In fact, is very common among the privileged, spoiled children of millionaires, celebrities, etc., basically those living with no purpose. Do you know what group of individuals rarely experience this feeling? The devoutly religious, the entrepreneurs, the activists, revolutionaries, etc. Basically those with a real purpose. Find a real purpose
TheBarber 4w ago
Ok, I see what you're saying although I definitely disagree that watching sportsball on TV or mowng your lawn and drinking beer is on a different level than being very disciplined about your diet and exercise and health in general (though that should be the bare minimum in my opinion) so I do agree in a certain sense.
Can you give me an example of what a real purpose is then so I have a general idea of what direction to go in?
Redpillpusher 3w ago
You are right about levels so Let me rephrase my statement: bodybuilding in itself can be considered a purpose, but it is an insignificant purpose that, in the long run (over the course of several years), does not impact much outside of the realm of things involving the individual. There are prisoners doing real time in prison over some vile things that are also absolutely fit from putting hours in the gym daily. Do we use them as examples of those with purpose? No. It's at a low level. We do use people such as Joan of Arc, Martin Luther, Martin Luther King Jr., etc. As examples though because their purposes are much more significant; they're on a higher level.
I'm above average in muscle build and strength. I realize I can dominate most people in my weight class. In the early stages of my journey I felt thrilled and enjoyed my success. As time went on, it gradually became just part of who I am and although I was glad, I realized that in the grand scheme of things, it wasn't that significant because it wasn't affecting others, only me. The more people you affect the more honor and respect you draw from others.
My opinion is that a true, significant purpose is one that significantly impacts the lives of others. Cam you being a muscular man truly affect another person? Does that loser watching the Lions play every Sunday impact his child? No. An example of a significant purpose, one that impacts the lives of many, could be as simple as a father waking up at 5 am to head to work for 10 hours everyday so there's food on the table. Or it can be as complex as MLK Jr's was, to ensure that racism be significantly decreased in his life time. So, look at something you enjoy or are passionate about and decide how you can immerse yourself in that field to impact as many people as possible. That is how you find a real purpose