TL:DR 22yo struggling with social skills and dating after growing up isolated (or maybe aspergers). How to improve social skills to become more "likable" and establish a social circle and get some girls to make college fun ?
About me: [ EU ] 22M, 6 ft 2, slightly above avg looks wise, athletic figure, working on getting jacked. No bad habits such as drinking / smoking / drugs. I love lifting, travelling, doing dumb shit with cars / motorcycles. I am a Accounting / Finance major (3+ GPA) with low effort. Now i kinda lost interest in my studies and just wanna get the degree.
Background: Grew up in a single mom household, spent most of my time from age 13 to 20 isolated at home gaming. Usually had just 1 good friend. 0 girlfriends. I used to have horrible social skills and social anxiety which is either due to (suspected) aspergers or isolated childhood (or both?). I thought it was 100% aspergers, but i now believe that it could also be due to social isolation during those crucial years.
Started college at 18, 0 social progress until age 20 due to above issues. At the age of 20 i stopped talking to the only good friend i had due to some snaky shit he did.
Then i discovered red pill content and slowly started transitioning from a BP mindset into RP. Started self improvement, lifting, dressing better and improving my looks.
I began trying to improve my social skills and be more social, with some success. I did manage to make some acquaintances in college and lose my virginity to an average looking girl. (Short term thing where i inevitably grew an oneitis for her since she was my first and was a bit messy. (never chased or begged tho so that's good). It took me a while to recover and have not had any success with other girls so far. A chubby 4 essentially begged me to fuck her but i refused to get involved as i was not that attracted to her and settling like this would make me feel even worse about myself. I did ask 3 girls out and got no dates.
Even though i had started talking to a decent amount of people, we would just stay college acquaintances. Some would never invite me to hang out outside college. Others would invite me once or twice, but then never again. Could be because i am not really into drinking / partying / weed. Though i dont mind occasionally going to clubs / bars. These things made me take a gap year from college as i did not feel like continuing.
During the gap year i quit lifting (mistake) and worked sales. Now i feel more confident and less socially anxious as i did manage to overcome many struggles inside and outside of the job (good progress towards dgaf attitude).
I took courses this Semester; most of the people i knew have already graduated so i now have to almost start from scratch socially. I do have a couple buddies i go to the campus gym with, but that's about it.
At the first day of classes, after sitting alone for 3 hours during a break I was hit with a realization that this can not go on anymore. I only have 2 or 3 semesters left, and i cannot waste them. I want to actually enjoy the social aspect of college ( get experience ). In the past i would come up with bs excuses that i was introverted ( I'm not, i realized i enjoy talking to and meeting new people) or that i could do nothing about my situation. But this time i just could not accept the BS i was trying to come up with to not try. So i have decided to actually commit to improving myself, no matter the difficulty.
So far this new semester i have approached a couple girls i am about to ask out and met some new dudes. Most people are at least open to a conversation which made me realize being socially anxious is kinda dumb. Even with girls, they can say no and i'll just move on to others that might be interested. No need to stress so much. I plan on approaching a lot more people (and asking girls out) this semester to get rid of my social anxiety and improve my skills. I have also started reading the book How to Win friends and influence people, while also looking through the material here on the forum (Still a Newbie here).
I don't need sympathy; this is not the point of the post. I am writing here to ask you guys how to improve my social skills and become more "likeable" to establish a social circle in college and get some dates. I would say that at this point my social skills are average in some areas as i can approach people and maintain conversations. However, i still need a lot of practice with girls; approaching them is new to me. Please share any suggestions/ personal experiences you may have regarding these issues.
Thanks for your time guys
Musicgoon78 2 4d ago
Practice makes perfect. I was born in the south. You just make time to chat with people. Enjoy talking and sharing stories.
Don't worry about outcomes. Just enjoy talking. After doing this for a while, meeting women will not be a problem.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 4d ago
@Artemis i can't tell you how many dates or lays I had just came from talking about normal shit for 10-30 minutes.
Women fuck from vibes more than they fuck from game
No-Stress-Cat 4d ago
Found another gold nugget, gentlemen.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 4d ago
Your gold nugget comments mean a lot, always appreciated
Bookmarked as a comment that I need to turn into a post
Artemis 2d ago
Will definitely check out your posts, especially the convo skills guide.
When you say vibes, i assume you still have to throw in some "game" elements to not make the conversation too "friendly", correct? (In order to establish a flirty vibe) What would you say are the most important ones so i can look into them? Also, if i have a question for something on your posts, where can i ask?
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2d ago
My posts tend to err on the side of getting deep into a topic
A vibe does not require game. Guys with pickup skills usually cannot have a vibe without game. But vibe and game aren't the same thing. Your vibe can contain game and game will always play into a vibe.
It's possible to have no vibe and game, in which case she most certainly won't fuck you unless she's piss drunk and slutty as hell and having a dick is her only standard for the night
You don't need to game to fuck. I've fucked women in which everything was friendly until someone made a move out of nowhere and sex ensued. But yes generally you don't want platonic vibes.
If the post is already auto locked You can dm me post questions. Or tag me in the hub so i can answer it publicly so others can benefit. Either way.
Artemis 2d ago
Thanks, i'll be waiting for the vibe post. In the meanwhile, i'll get up to speed on the fundamentals
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2d ago
edit: replied to the wrong guy on the wrong post disregard what i just replaced this with
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2d ago
You're welcome and sounds good
MrSupreme 4d ago
The sales experience is a big plus, when i worked sales it was a big eye opener.In terms of seduction, you only need to apply what you know about sales,like leading a convo,maintain interest on a subject and/or the "product" which is yourself. Keep reading the sidebar, do networking and keep trying to make useful contacts and friends.
When it comes to girls,you wanna be relaxed, stop giving a fuck about your lack of experience and keep trying. Get comfortable around them, if you have a nice physique/presence then that will work in your favor.
And lastly,again, dont let your lack of experience bring you down. Calibrate your game according to the results you see.
Artemis 2d ago
Easier said than done, unfucking your brain wiring which was bad anxiety for anything girl related will take many approaches for sure. What are some easy ways you can do an approach in a college context?
MrSupreme 2d ago
There is no easy fix, most of that anxiety and fear is coming from internal crap beliefs,like thinking youre gonna fuck it up in some way or the girl is gonna be offended by something you say and slap your face.
stop giving a fuck about messing it up, dont say weird shit and be friendly. I always tell guys to chat with everyone,not just women,really talk with people and get in touch with society, alienation and isolation are a real thing and maybe also a cause for being socially awkward.
Edit: Also, if youre socially calibrated and used to the flow and momentum all the interesting convos, laughter, contacts, popularity and friendliness gives (from talking 1on1 with boys,girls and groups) then there shouldn't be a reason you should be awkward while approaching/seducing a girl. If you're being anxious and awkward with girls, try working on your general social life and let it escalate from there.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 4d ago
In-Depth, Fundamental Conversation Skills Guide
redhawkes 2 4d ago
https://www.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/39qnwd/how_to_talk_to_everyone_you_see/
It's a top post for a reason. Once you master the bullshit talk aka banter, it's easy af,
First-light 4d ago
It sounds like you are pretty self aware and not doing badly at all in the big picture (which is what really matters). It should not be too hard to improve the social side.
If drinking is not your thing and bars are best as an occasional activity, I would look towards other student activities. You will definitely learn more about people by doing stuff with them not drinking with them. Then you can decide who among your new acquaintances you would like to go hang out in a bar with occasionally. Look at your interests and any new interests you might like to try. There are usually a lot of clubs and societies. There might well be hot freshers there in need of a guiding hand in student life.
If you are in bars and clubs with drunk girls, you an pretty much get by with just going over with a dumb grin and saying something that means "Hi I saw you looking hot and wanted to chat you up" This sort of thing will get a confident well presented man some occasional success and since there are a lot of drunk girls in bars students like, you will get enough sex. However, if you are looking to learn useful social skills, its worth vetting who you invest the effort in. The cold approach thing is a numbers game and it rarely leads to more than a casual thing because you know nothing about her at all. Any networking you can do with groups of girls can be very useful. Once you are certified as an OK guy by someone in the group, its also a lot easier.
Artemis 2d ago
Can you go a bit more in depth about the networking with girls? So far i've been against the idea of being friends with girls as i have heard it is not very rewarding. However, i see it may be useful if you can meet potential dates through a girl friend. But how would you go about that? And how not to be labelled by the (girl) group as a "friend" only? I feel like if a girl is not into you, her group won't be either, especially if she has rejected you.
First-light 2d ago
I think women generally make poor friends for men. They lack the capacity to excel in male fields. They often think that the responsibilities of friendship that men expect to apply do not apply to them -i.e. they like to receive benefit but not give it out in equal measure. They want you to fix thier drain but they won't fix your drain or for that matter clean your fridge in return.
If you want to try the networking solution, I think that the best solution is to consciously friend zone unknown girls when you first meet them unless they show particular interest. Don't give them any reason to reject you. Do this very simply by not coming on to them to start.
This means you won't flirt and simp with them. You just treat them politely and kindly like men with tits who are short of reason and accountability. Women expect to be chatted up and flirted with or for men to show awkwardness in their company if they know they have lower SMV and are not worthy to flirt. If you do none of this, it makes it pretty much impossible for them to pigeon hole you as being above or beneath them and since men make the approaches, they have not rejected you as you never approached. You can then network with them. (This can actually lead to them later being attracted to you if they find that you are a cool guy but you don't simp.) Networking with them means that they actually end up valuing you as a person not as a utility, free food source or emotional tampon. Girls have friends. Once you meet the friends of your networked circle, you are certified a value guy to start. You are automatically in the fuckable category if you SMV matches the girls SMV unless anything you say disqualifies you.
Say you join a book club (typically full of rich arty girls and a few thirsty simps with the very occasional art ponce Chad thrown in who goes round taking his pick). Most of the simps read the books and try to impress the girls either with their lit crit or with their chat. The girls go to chat, bitch and talk about how the books made them feel. You turn up, try to impress no one but use the exercise as an opportunity to practice positive friendly speaking and positive body language. You talk about the books -just if you like them, how they make you feel and why. YOu talk about anything else that is normal small talk. You get certified as a bonafide OK guy. The girls won't exclude you if you are a bit lower SMV than they have because they are not thinking of you in SMV terms. They are thinking of you as an individual because you excluded yourself form simpdom.
Now one week Cloe says she is taking a trip to see an art exhibition on the Impressionists and then on to a restaurant does anyone want to come? You go along. There Cloe introduces you to her friend Claudia. She thinks you and Claudia might get along because you both think Van Gough was a nut job who should have stuck to art therapy at the lunatic asylum. Claudia is a rich girl who went to a private school and she never would have given you her number just from your accent had you approached her in the street but Cloe says she will like you and Claudia sees no reason not to. You and Claudia take the piss out of Van Gough's thick 3d paint work all evening and then get on great at the restaurant, so you get her number, agree to go round another exhibition alone together next week, you walk her to the bus and kiss her goodnight. You go you art ponce chad you.
mattyanon Admin 4d ago
Ok.
I've read through your post, and you almost certainly have the option to be extremely good looking. You're way above average height and in good shape. Get your bodyfat down to 10% and your muscles up (abs especially) and you'll be top 5% easily.
Right, you're struggling to make and keep friends. The reasons why don't particularly matter, but it looks like you're never quite socially integrated which makes college girls extremely hard work.
After college the cliquey thing disappears, but at college it's all about the group and the clique and the social status, which works against you if you're not fully socially integrated and high social status.
So, what's going wrong? Why aren't you making friends? You're a little bit shy, but that's ok.... you can get over that.
Initially meeting people is hard..... you need to talk enough to put them at ease, but listen enough to get them chatting. It's a real skill that takes a while to learn.... you gotta try, and you need to accept it doesn't always work.
After college it's very different..... less cliquey, much harder to meet new people, but the whole "single social ladder" thing disappears and you can make your own way in life and live by your own rules.
I think.... from what you've said..... you're just a bit shy and awkward and slightly on the spectrum, in which case you need to learn a few ways to do things and learn how to do it and you'll be able to make more friends, ideally like minded friends who you can share fun times with.
See my blog posts for a bit more info on how to do this, but it's not targetted towards college life.
Artemis 2d ago
I will check out your posts to learn some of these things. Do you believe that with some effort and reading at least a partial social integration (in college) would be possible? You know, at least be in a couple groups and meet some girls that way. I am asking because i think college is my best chance to practice these things as everyone is around my age and girls are more "adventurous". A big challenge i have faced in group settings when i don't know (about) the individuals is that many times i just stay silent while they talk with each other. Its almost like i cant contribute to the conversation, and i think they perceive me as disintrested. (in my defense, sometimes they talk about things and people only they know about) So i think that's what you mean by the clique thing. Do you have any tips for that or is it not worth bothering (at least if they start rambling about things/people they know i most likely have no idea about) I have also noticed i am more confident overall when i am with 1 or 2 people i get along with. (especially in the campus gym). Not sure if that's good or bad though...
Artemis 2d ago
Sorry for the format, i can't figure out how to get spacing to work in the replies section
mattyanon Admin 2d ago
yes!
yes, BUT........ they are also more cliquey.
try to join in more
you need to work on that.
likely yes. people are insecure and like constant reminder that you don't hate them.
I am serious.
clique ...... look it up
find ways to join in at least a bit
completely normal to feel that way, doesn't mean anything either way.
Learn to not be a silent bystander.
slowlylearning1 3d ago
It takes balls to put yourself out there, you mentioned being potentially autistic/socially isolated. I spent about 4-5 years (Covid, health issues, working alone) and it took me about a year to get my social and motor skills to work when I moved to another job with co-workers.
I was frustrated at first too, but it's a learning process. I was too arrogant/uptight at first, but noticed when I stopped talking myself so seriously, people and connections became so much easier.
If anything, more rejection will help you get even better. I was often scared to be myself (severe ADHD and was so scared of rejection, I people pleased for 30 years). You'll even get to a point where you can 'almost' sense by tone, body language etc who is interested and who's not.
Just keep doing what you're doing though. If you are authentic, easy going nice guy then people will be drawn to you, not everyone will be a fan especially if you're different, you have to stick up for yourself, and double down on your personality. Many people are won over forever when they see you stick up for yourself or that you're unafraid to be yourself.
Don't be afraid to be disliked. I people pleased for 20 years, too scared to be myself, just to half fit in. It was a horrible existence, it'll eat your soul up too not being yourself.
Making people laugh is a useful skil, if you've got a quick wit, use it around people who appreciate it. Read more, you'll pick up more knowledge and be able to have more conversations with all different types of people.
Not to sound like a blowhard, but do interesting things hobbies etc you'll be interesting to many people.
Artemis 2d ago
Thanks for sharing. I used to be a people pleaser too, it sucked. I still try to do it subconsciously but i now call out any BS people throw my way. When you switched jobs, did you also practice socializing outside of work?