I have been seeing this girl for about 6 months now, got in a relationship about 10 days ago.
We have a great thing going on, she's beautiful, sex is excellent, she cooks, shares with me details, tells me about her interaction, and everything.
However, she sent me this photo of a cat saying how cute it is. In the photo there are 3 men (not fully shown but you can see their body) at a house; presumably one of the people in the photo. Obviously, I recognize she's shit testing me. I have also never shown any jealousy with her. But I do consider going to another man's house while in a relationship as a foreign concept.
I basically just left it on seen, with no reaction. I am just moving on.
Am I tripping?
Musicgoon78 2 1mo ago
Yeah totally blowing shit out of proportion.
It could be an uncle or cousins. It could be her girl friend's husband. You handled this like a weak coward.
If you're going to run away from the slightest stupid thing, you might as well just spin plates for the rest of your life.
You need to work on your confidence.
Musicgoon78 2 1mo ago
I'm going to add to this: If you go looking for problems, you're guaranteed to find them.
Let me be a bit critical on the Manosphere for a second. There's good ideas here but a lot of phoney and jaded men here. Every guy that's autistic will tell you to act tough and that every slight thing is an assault to your manhood. Most of it is based in roleplaying. Most of the guys here have little experience and success. Consider the source. Yes. you should establish boundaries. No, you shouldn't jump to conclusions.
Take a step back and look at the big picture. Is she still fucking you rigorously and enthusiastically? Has the amount of time that she spends with you changed? Are her behavior different? Is she acting weird?
Most problems with her branch swinging will be apparent.
Listen to your elder, keep calm and be direct without being accusatory. Simply ask her who the guys were. If she tries to spin it, you have your answer.
Choose to be a strong man instead of a butthurt child.
Hugo_The_Great 1mo ago
Embarrassing to say, but I fell for this exact manosphere rhetoric.
As in, I was seeing and responding to threats where there were none. Except imaginary.
There are people & women who are evil/vicious, who will try hurting you, taking advantage of you. But most are actually good and won't. Also, being strong/high value is important. People will think twice about crossing you, incentives are paramount.
Someone once said; chemistry is more important than history. Another said; just look how she treats you, forget everything else. And while they are not absolute truths and should be taken with a grain of salt to a degree, there is a very valid truth in them.
I would add; trust people to be honest & trustworthy, until they show you otherwise.
Mofreer 3w ago
I do find myself creating imaginary situation, then preparing myself to defend against them. Not just in romantic relationships, but in my career and other endeavors.
I think it's a way to be protected against the worse case scenario. Which is good but it also sucks the life out of the present moment. The best indicator of genuine emotion is behavior, nothing else.
I remember in many relationships (both romantic and platonic) where the people wouldn't be as verbally reassuring, but they definitely were reassuring in the real sense of showing actions. I even fall into that category when I observe my behavior as I dislike communicating my intentions unless necessary.
Hugo_The_Great 2w ago
I would agree that this kind of self-protection, hedging your bets etc is of vital importance in business/your career.
But when you do that shit in close personal relationships, it sucks out much of the joy and fulfillment. This cold, calculated approach and viewing relationships through a transactional lens is fucked up and will make you do fucked up shit yourself. At the same time, you don't want to be overly naive and let yourself be taken advantage of (i.e. marriage).
100% agree at looking at their behavior. Like I said, look how they treat you.
Mofreer 1mo ago
Yeah, I get your point.
She did say that her friend and his gf had a home party. It's not really about her doing anything there, more like I'd not expect my girlfriend to go to another guy's place regardless of their friendship.
Musicgoon78 2 1mo ago
Bro. Half of the worlds population are men. You're going to drive yourself crazy. Women are going to be around men all the time. If she's not trustworthy you shouldn't be with her. Your insecurities are going to make you look weak, controlling and ruin the tingles she has for you. The worst enemy a man can have is his own fear or cowardice. The harder you pull her back the more she's going to fight to get free. Watch how she treats you. You're wasting your time looking for problems. That's not enjoying your time.
Mofreer 1mo ago
I actually do realize that me being who I am her with her (not showing jealousy or controlling behavior) is giving her tingles
Musicgoon78 2 1mo ago
Just keep that up. You're doing ok. Just pause before you jump to conclusions. Talk to us if you have to. There's no reason to stress about this. Hoes are replaceable.
First-light 1mo ago
Get information before you assume a position on anything.
Acting like a butt hurt beta will dry her out real fast. Just find out who the guys are without any negativity. Then either you will have to kindly and calmly explain that it crosses a line for you or you will find there is no problem.
Mofreer 1mo ago
She did mention what the occasion was (without being prompted) and explained why she was there.
I don’t see an issue with this at all. However, I do realize that I didn’t establish any clear ground rules at the start of this relationship, which I’m still grappling with. On one hand, I feel like verbally setting boundaries is weak and comes off as controlling, but on the other hand, expecting her to naturally align with my perspective without stating it is autistic
First-light 1mo ago
You can only expect her to accept your boundaries if you are expecting the default boundaries of a well defined culture with pretty much universally agreed rules. Then it is reasonable to expect her to toe the line and then you to pick her up if she does not.
We live in a society where, if there are any commonly agreed rules, they say that women can do as they please and men must trust them or else they are being "controlling and coercive" and this is "abuse", which is illegal. So if you want a different set of boundaries you are going to need to establish them through conversation, obtaining consent without pressure and you will need to walk carefully. This is basically an abuse of maleness but we live in a society where abusing and coercing males is standard default behaviour.
Remember that in this society, its all OK, so long as she likes it and she can retrospectively change her mind on whether she liked it in the past. So you need to walk this line very carefully. Men have very very little room for error legally here if you get into a LTR, especially if you eventually cohabit. Its fine till she says it is not and then you bail. If you try to hold on to her, you are being coercive. You just have to set out your rules in a neutral way with no emotional pressure in your way of speaking, explain your emotional position if you like but talking without emotion. She takes it or leaves it (though you try very hard not to make it look like an ultimatum as that is coercive, you just say its your boundaries. If she decides no at any point, you are out of options really, its just next.
The modern western world is not set up for men to be happy and secure. (This gives women limited chance of that too.)
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1mo ago
Did you even ask her why the fek she's at 3 dudes house. Did you make ANY ground rules before commiting?
Mofreer 1mo ago
Nah man, I did none of that. I feel like communicating boundaries or ground rules verbally comes from a place of inferiority. But I have been casual for about 5 years now, so I do recognize I could be just tripping
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1mo ago
Yeah, no. You should. What were you expecting. Men control access to commitment. Now you have to awkwardly explain your rules out of nowhere.
Did you expect women to police themselves knowing everything you know about female nature?
Mofreer 1mo ago
Yeah, I get you. It seemed like an obvious thing in my perspective. But I suppose, naturally, women will keep testing.
This is why I didn't want to deal with it because I didn't want to explain why hanging out with men at a private place is a no-go.
For now, I am leaving it as it is, see how it develops next time we speak
Kloi 1mo ago
This is one of my biggest weaknesses. They know better. I know they know better. I assume it should go without saying but time and time again I get proved wrong.
Actually one of my rare female friends highlighted that as one of biggest faults. Instead of communicating when there is a clear problem, I'll just fuck off instead. She wasn't just talking with women either.
Kloi 1mo ago
And I'd argue with women, almost every time I'd address an issue, it'd be weaponized against me so I learned it's less hassle to just fuck off.
Thankfully going for higher caliber of women has negated a lot of this headache.
AbusiveFather1 1mo ago
They do know better, but “establishing ground rules” is a necessary formality - it’s a convention that you can fall back on once she breaks the rules, as in “I did warn you” kind of thing. If you discuss the rules first then she has no excuse if she breaks them, even though those rules are common sense (don’t cheat, don’t disrespect, etc). If you establish the rules and she still breaks them, then it is indeed best to fuck off - withdraw attention until she learns to act right, unless the offense warrants nexting altogether.
Kloi 1mo ago
Yes this would save me from a headache at the 2 year mark but I've got no issue burning the bridge on a plate in the honeymoon phase who does something she should have to be told not to do.
Mofreer 1mo ago
I get that. Right now, it'd be out of nowhere for me to start establishing rules, so I'm contemplating whether it's worth it to establish them. In any case, I am just not reacting to this situation
AbusiveFather1 1mo ago
You definitely should let her know that you dislike this behavior - better late than never. Right now she’s testing your limits, and she’ll keep doing so, until you can’t take it anymore. If that’s acceptable to you, and you’re not really too interested in this relationship, then you can just keep brushing things off.