I am in a long distance relationship with a girl for 4 months. I have known her for a year. We met many times, we were casual for the most part, I liked her a lot and wanted to pursue this. She is emotionally invested, plans on moving to my country mid summer, and is paying me a visit in 2 weeks.
There's something that I have noticed later in the relationship which was having casual interactions with old flings. In all honesty, I didn't care about it at the time, but at some point she added me to her private IG where she has just a few people there and I took notice that she has at least two old flings there (an ex and a FWB). On the same day, I confirmed one of them because I saw he commented on her post in her public IG with fire emojis, told her I don't keep contact with exs. So, she said it's indeed her ex, but assured that their interactions only pertain to reactions and nothing else. She didn't deflect or anything.
If I am being honest with myself, If I go back to 8 years ago, I'd next this girl in a heartbeat. But I do feel like I am a little calmer in my reactions and more understanding as I truly trust this woman.
Generally, this has worked for me, but it just keep showing up against my face. Last week I took notice that they still exist with her posts, I just naturally pulled back she noticed and pursued me with warm signals, but we didn't confront anything.
I am unsure about how I should move forward with this girl. Her next trip is fully ready. I do want to meet her, but I somehow cannot disengage myself emotionally and enjoy the moment. I feel like initiating this convo again is weak as I'd be repeating myself, but it also feels like dumping her is a bad idea as I trust her.
I am not sure to which extent has she minimized her communication with old flings after our conversation.
What do you guys think about this dynamic? Is it a good idea to revisit this topic once more for clarity rather than jumping to conclusions?
If I try to answer to answer my own question: She's keeping options open, not necessarily maliciously, but her intent isn't as important as her actions.
She still values these guys' attention, and asking her directly about this is going to make or break this situation.
redhawkes 2 2d ago
Thanks for saving everyone's time. You can either have long distance or relationship, not both. She's getting dicked while you're here hamstering. You should know that exes and fwbs are n+0 in her mind aka it doesn't count.
Get more options and don't engage unless she's visiting you. You don't get anything back from her, but she gets your attention for free.
boateng57 1d ago
She is not trustworthy. When I was younger and stupid I did the long distance thing too.
I know everything in you wants to believe this is salvageable. It's not, and every guy here is going to agree. What you have to do happens to be the hardest thing to do: walk. You're addicted to her, you're gonna go through oxytocin withdrawals. I've been through it. You can send her a short message explaining why this isn't working for you anymore, then you have to stop contacting her.
If still she wants to visit you and suck you off, great, but something tells me you won't be able to emotionally detach enough for that to be a good idea.
taya2002 1d ago
I understand your point. So, despite the obvious investment she has for me, the old flings thing is just a no-go?
The thing is that we just booked her flight & apartment together, I find it very difficult to just let it go like that. But this actually proves the point that I am addicted
boateng57 1d ago
It's a no go yeah. But look, if you really don't want to dump her before the visit, I won't blame you. It may be worth it to observe her behaviour when she's with you. If she's not highly sexual and seems kind of hollow/distant, then you DEFINITELY know something's up, and can act accordingly.
taya2002 1d ago
I don't believe she's fucking anyone. Otherwise, it'd be a completely different conversation.
The problem I have is just keeping them in orbit, and I am wondering if it's worth a conversation.
I also know for a fact she cut off some other people. As well as I did, I am completely loyal.
boateng57 1d ago
If she's up to no good, bringing it up won't stop her from doing what she wants, she'd only get smarter/sneakier about it. You can't negotiate desire.
If she's innocent (press x to doubt) well, you'd still look like a bitch.
Only time you bring it up is if you wanna let her know how she fucked up when you're dumping her.
Typo-MAGAshiv Endorsed Contributor 9h ago
Good shit.
I'd say not even then. Why make it more difficult for the next guy?
taya2002 1d ago
I get your point. If she can't intuit my boundaries on her own, she either doesn't appreciate my value enough or straight up doesn't respect me. Which is very hard to grapple with and conflicting considering her investment in me.
Overkill_Engine 2 1d ago
You truly trust this woman but are having to write everything else you did in front of a forum of strangers.
Right.
Part of you knows damn well what's up, you might want to actually listen to that part instead of the part that is refusing to let a fantasy die the death that it should.
Yes, letting the fantasy die hurts. We know. Growing up is painful like that.
taya2002 1d ago
You don't see bringing this topic up to guage her reaction worth it? I feel like there's a heavy investment on her part (visiting me multiple times, planning to relocate..)
No-Stress-Cat 1d ago
I've had a few LDRs, and even though we visited back and forth, it either never worked out (even years down the line), or just didn't happen. But here's your main problem:
Many others on here can attest to what I'm about to say, either they've experienced it personally, or know someone who's had this happen to them:
You cannot take a woman away from her mother.
She may stray away from home for awhile, but they always end up going back home to momma. Whether it's sooner or years later, they're out and back to where they came from. I've seen it happen many many times.
My advice if you're going to do this: Move to where her family is, or cut her loose. She will choose her mother over you every time.
taya2002 1d ago
Her country is a place I have planned to live in a long time ago. But I'm currently committed for 2 more years where I currently live, then I can weigh my options.
Do you feel like bringing the topic up about the old flings is worth it, or it's better to let go?
No-Stress-Cat 19h ago
These are your standards.
She is not living up to your standards.
You have to understand that women's truth is what it is at the moment:
"I love you (at the moment)."
"I hate your guts I want to stick an ice pick in your eye! (at the moment)."
"I love you again (at the moment)."
"That's only my ex, he's not a threat (at the moment)."
"I assure you their interactions only pertain to reactions and nothing else (at the moment)."
You're not wrong that staying in contact with her exes is a red flag. That's one of my standards as well. No contact with exes. NONE. No guy friends. NONE. Can't live up to my standards, then she can go be with her exes. She is rejected.
mattyanon Admin 1d ago
This is the exact opposite of commitment.
This is as committed as if you had a girl about to slide down onto your cock every day, and every day you say "no, I am in a committed relationship", then doing the same thing the next day.
taya2002 1d ago
Haha, that's a good way to look at it.
From reading the advice here, I am completely sure that this crosses a boundary. I am conflicted on wether showing that I have noted this behavior (benefit of the doubt), withdraw completely and see where her priority lies, or just enjoy the moment as it is and dump her after the visit.
I am admittedly over invested here, and want to see her still.
mattyanon Admin 1d ago
yeah, see her, but also considering seeing other people.
she's seeing other people at some emotional level.
you should level the playing field.
"Ok, so that's what we're doing now" is a good line.
taya2002 1d ago
I like that line. I'll definitely use it.
derdeutscher 1d ago
I would kept her as a plate, so I can not give fuck what is she doing when she is not gobbling on my cawk.
Besides, LTR? Who does that nonsense?
This forum is not so redpill anymore, really.
taya2002 1d ago
You are so red pill to comment on this post with with your uncommon input.
It's a learning platform first and foremost. How do you expect people to be "red pill" if not risk getting absolutely trashed in the comment section?
And yes, LTR is a complete nonsense, but I am in that position now. I'll definitely adjust in the future.
derdeutscher 9h ago
Learning platform? Bro do you need coaching? Thats how you learn.
This is a board where who knows what posts whatever.