What’s up brothers, this may be bit of a long post but in need of some advice once again.
Have any of you ever felt the guilt, pain of losing a good woman, whatever that is to you? Knowing you were at fault, like in my case, a bit too “Alpha” and not enough “beta”.
To me, she was an 8, cooked, cleaned, wanted family/kids, didn’t have hoe friends, didn’t want to club, good family, sex was good. She was ok with me having sex with other women (then changed her mind on that) but realized she really didn’t want that lifestyle, silly like I liked, not a feminist, conservative, gym girl etc
But when I had her, I wasn’t fully present. I didn’t realize what I had until she fully walked away. We argued a lot, mainly about other women and other small things here and there. She claimed I undervalued her and didn’t really respect her nor did I want to compromise. No I wasn’t perfect. But I also wasn’t THAT bad. We had lots of fun, laughs, deep talks, sex, etc she liked me for a reason above all the other men she talked to before we got exclusive. She kept running back to me.
We argued about finance structure, decision making and she wanted equality in making big decisions and stuff like that.
Then when she walked away, I did the cardinal sin of chasing and trying to get her back, which seems like it made it worse. However, she did come running back but I was upset/egotistical and told her I needed some time to think. (This was in the span of 1 week).
Then by that time, long story short, she started dating other guys. Now she’s officially done. We talk here and there and I tried to get her back and the guilt is eating me up that my ego and lack of knowledge in LTR lost me an amazing woman. She was no saint as far as body count but she also was not a whore like many western women.
So now, she’s getting closer with these guys but why do I feel like I still have hope after she told me many times she cannot do it? Is it cause we’re still in contact? I’m having a hard time letting go. Oneitis?
It’s crazy because this isn’t myself, she always known me as the alpha type and this is what attracted her in the first place.
I have lots going on for myself, good job making over 6 figs, businesses picking back up, some side hustles, shredded, tons of hobbies, now becoming more emotionally intelligent and realizing it’s more than just being “alpha”. I’ve slept with close to 60 women if I had to guess.
I’m talking to a few women from dating apps and hooked up with one and I am going to start getting out here more but she’s still on my mind about “what if”, I wanted her to see the improved mental version of myself becuase tbh I could have did many things wayyyy better. And that is what’s eating me up. It’s eating me up becuase it’s hard to find good women like that. My confidence is shot because she turned so cold.
I get urges to text/call her and just try again. But now it’s almost like running into a brick wall unfortunately. I think the new guys she’s met are making her forget about me even quicker. But I still believe it was a reason she stayed this long in my life (3.5 years). I was her type, until I wasn’t.
I’ve definitely learned my lesson and maybe that’s why God allowed this to happen. Otherwise i probably would have been stuck in the ego loop of my way or the highway.
Any of you bros have had an experience like that? How did you get past it? Did you find someone better in your mind & forget about the ex? I’m 31 and this is a painful feeling. I appreciate tough love.
Side note: could these be because she is probably top 5 hottest women I’ve been with. Coupled with her personality.
My own answer: I need to accept this as a lesson, she was a great girl but that doesn’t mean I will not find another one. I should work on myself mentally and strive to find my own masculine identity independent of any woman becuase even if I did everything right, a woman can still leave. My ego was too big because I was getting everything I wanted and got too comfortable, emotionally. I should accept she’s no longer here and find other ways to fill my time and torch the past and not make the same mistake in next LTR.
First-light 4d ago
Its just oneitis and no one likes losing. It happens to the best of us. "There are things we would throw away, if only we were not afraid that someone else would pick them up." When one of those things heads off on its own and gets picked up, its a bummer and you start thinking the thing might be better than it was because it makes you feel like you came second.
What it shows is that knowing your value and holding out for it works for women as well as men. It makes men try harder, just as it makes women try harder. She won this one. But don't forget, she was not special, your turn just ended before you wanted it to. You will get other turns and can play them differently or the same if you like.
It always gets better with a bit of time. You will very likely get better and even if you don't you will never know because what you want will have changed a lot anyway as time passes, as will what she has to give. Just give it time, think of something else.
Nich2022 4d ago
Great advice, man. She was special to me at the time because she was a genuinely good, level headed girl. And I fucked it up. Now she’s talking to new guys and said “it’s something in my heart that doesn’t want you back”
It sucks because her heart is so cold and we’re still kind of in contact. Which is probably not healthy.
Orangudan 4d ago
If you were fucking other women while you were with her, she was right- you did indeed "under value" her.
Nich2022 4d ago
Yes but it was agreed upon. At that stage in my life, I wasn’t ready to settle down and we made that agreement. Why did she accept it?
While with her, I did sometimes say mean things out of anger but I wasn’t that bad.
ballsofsteel 3d ago
Any healthy person (regardless of gender) will never be alright with their partner fucking other people. Even if they might say yes at the moment but future does not guarantee their compliance. Now if you were a multi-millionaire or soemthing with similar SMV things would have been different.
Nich2022 3d ago
Now I understand. Tbh our SMV was around the same. But the kicker is, I said I would stop…after she left. But the thing is we started that way and I was honest from day one.
But the thing is now she’s gone and went cold. And has new guys she dating and I can’t seem to move on
ballsofsteel 3d ago
It takes time to move on. Every man goes through it. Go no contact (without this you are doomed to never be able to move on), hit the gym, hangout with your social circle, therapy (but pick a man as your therapist not some SJW) and do anything that increases your internal happiness and SMV. It might take a few weeks, a few months or maybe a year. But you will come out stronger and better on the other side.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 6d ago
Per the AskTRP rules you need to try to answer your own question in the post body
Nich2022 6d ago
Oh, will do that now.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 6d ago
Thank you I'll remove the sticky
Nich2022 5d ago
Is it still hidden? No advice
Vermillion-Rx Admin 5d ago
To be honest, just copy and paste the post into a new one, you wrote it in such a way that it looks like a field report and how well you're doing.
I don't think anyone was really reading this like it was a question and ask all these questions at the beginning or beginning AND end. Maybe even ask a specific question because "can I get advice" is so vague.
Be sure to include your own answer so i don't have to comment with that
No-Stress-Cat 5d ago
Good report.
Nich2022 5d ago
No advice from anyone though
No-Stress-Cat 4d ago
You answered your own question. Very good, solid self-reflection, Young Jedi.
Remember that you are in your own world, your own self, you live in and control your own life.
Just like the Moon revolves around the Earth, working in sync to make the Earth work better, women should be the moons that revolve around you to make your world work better. Men are the planets (you are the world), and women are the moons that revolve around that planet (they "fit" into your orbit, sync with the rhythm of your life, and make it better).
Wintergreen Didn't Read Sidebar (confirmed) 5d ago
Unfortunately, when you want to fuck other girls it will probably turn into something negative with your main girl. Most healthy people do not accept that stuff.
Nich2022 5d ago
Yeah but I fucked that up. By telling her everything she asked. So it was in her face, even though she did accept it. She was definitely a normal healthy woman and not some raging liberal or feminist.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 5d ago
Look man, finish the sidebar. Yes, if you suddenly introduce other women out of nowhere they will not appreciate the downgrade. If they know what's up from the start they will share you.
You really shouldn't be giving such advice on here from a position of inexperience and a biased lack of subject knowledge on the matter
Wintergreen Didn't Read Sidebar (confirmed) 5d ago
Maybe at the beginning but clearly it caused problems for him as time went on.
I’ve seen a woman say she was okay with not getting married and not having kids, and she stayed with the guy for like 10 years until she acted like he was an asshole for not marrying her. Then she cheated on him and got knocked up/married within like 6 months. I’d rather avoid all that in an LTR and accept that it’s either traditional LTR or no LTR.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 5d ago
She still did it anyway. i don't think you should be giving the advice you have
Healthy women share, because they are women. That's how women's brains work and how their attraction to high value men work. Whether we are talking self respect is a different matter. But healthy women do that, it's being female. That's the biggest problem with your advice here
Wintergreen Didn't Read Sidebar (confirmed) 5d ago
I made an edit just as you posted.
Are you saying women with self respect don’t do this (share)?
Vermillion-Rx Admin 5d ago
They either will share, or they won't and still wish they had the guy, because their biology craves the dude and they will still struggle to resist being with him
Wintergreen Didn't Read Sidebar (confirmed) 5d ago
Yeah that makes sense.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 5d ago
Finish the sidebar and then read other major voices in TRP. Stop listening to people who have no idea what they're talking about
cundardunfinished 5d ago
It's just oneitis man. She was more attractive than most women you've been with any it was a relationship on easy mode for you, until it wasn't.
Getting a woman to allow you to fuck other women starts to get real complicated real fast and it is hard to maintain. You get into traps like social pressure for her and her ego and pride, that even if she wants to let you keep doing it her hamster might go wild and cause conflict that may cause her to break. You're trying to keep something in balance that is out of equilibrium, namely her sexual motive is to keep your resources to herself for her offspring. You have to be such a hot sexual commodity that it overcomes this urge from her and any chink in your armor is going to open you up to her demanding exclusivity, ad infinitum until you eventually commit or break up.
Another angle is that if a woman lets you fuck other women she may not care about you at all and is after something else (e.g. money). Doesn't sound like the case here but just another pitfall from an opposite angle. Those NBA players aren't necessarily supreme alpha males they just have women trying to baby trap them. All in all a dangerous game.
Read Rollo's writing about getting back with an ex. It leaves you in such a disadvantaged position it is never worth doing. Not only do you lose the exclusivity argument but now she sees you didn't have better options and your whole alpha facade falls apart. The relationship can never be what it was before.
No reasons for feel guilty over it. Guilt for who? Yourself? You'll be fine, sounds like you got a lot going on. She's obviously fine without you. Carry on
Nich2022 5d ago
“She was more attractive than most women you’ve been with” - I think there’s definitely truth to that. Coupled with the fact we had lots in common.
Guilt becuase I didn’t treat her the best and had a “my way or highway” type attitude versus being more relaxed given the fact she was doing a lot for me. I even said I’d stop messing around.
But yeah, now she’s dating other guys, shit stings.