Hold on, let me explain. A few years ago (I'm 21 now) I had many fears like i couldn't pass pedestrians on a sidewalk or ask the cashier where the hell the mayonnaise was. Luckily, I never stopped challenging myself and so I got to the point where I feel very comfortable with myself, my looks, etc. (and yes, I can now pass pedestrians without fear!!). I built up a good social circle and next to my normal dayjob I'm building my startup.
Now about women, it's really weird.. it's a fear of being rejected I can't quite get my head around. I don't think it's the normal fear of rejection and here is why (and please correct my if I just made up some excuse): First of all, when I go to the club with my friends and a women starts getting closer and wants to dance, my body blocks completely the feeling 'I'm lonely, you haven't touched a woman for four years, don't mess this up' and the fear of being left alone kicks in. You can imagine how well this went. And second, it's funny: when I get to know a woman (still only on a friendship level of course) and I can tell from her signals that she doesn't find me weird, hates me or leaves me then something switches and I can have a great time with them, no problem getting a negative reply on a question of getting a drink together, etc.
The thing is I had fear asking female friends to come to the spa or to get something to drink in the past. But this is now pretty much gone, I really don't care. If they want to come, great! and not I will get some other people or go alone, no problem in that. But again when it comes to foreign females I get this existential fear of being weird, of being rejected, etc.
I could let go of many fears by reading, by understanding that they come from my childhood as my father had an alcohol abuse or that I had to fit in in school to not get bullied (which didn't really work) and that i had to talk to my inner child to let these fears go. And it worked very well with most of my fears. But not this one. And I don't know how to go about this. I don't know what question I should ask my inner child to why this fear is so strong? In short I'm afraid of being left alone and not being accepted / rejected of foreign women (the funny thing is, it's only women and not men from which I have these fear).
Do you guys have any similar experience on this or have any suggestions?
Durek_The_Bald 2y ago
It's pretty common for guys to be afraid of women's emotions, or what they think of us. I think it's a natural, evolutionary thing. Women have always been seen as a valuable resource due to the ability to birth and feed children, so we're pretty much geared towards placating them. So when a woman is mad at you, or doesn't like you, our natural response is emotional distress. It's just uncomfortable. Another man being mad at you, or not liking you, doesn't have the same effect.
What I'm trying to say is that maybe you're taking this fairly common challenge, and putting it in the same basket as those others, more pathological anxieties of yours. And maybe you're making it into a bigger deal than it really is because of that. Most guys have to practice the art of not giving too much of a fuck about a woman's feelings/mood/opinions. And it's probably not a thing were you one day can say that you truly don't, but more like an ideal to reach towards. You practice it every day, sometimes succeeding, other times failing, getting a little better at it bit by bit.
Reading relevant material is good for identifying your thought processes, but it takes practice as well. Think of it as learning a music instrument. You can't simply read your way to that skill, you have to practice. And also, you'll never be fully learned, you can always get better at it.
It's good that you're aware. Most guys aren't even aware - or don't want to admit - that they're essentially afraid of women. So don't fret it, just keep practicing. It's normal. I practice it too, inside the confounds of my marriage, with varying degrees of success. When I do well at it, we're all happier because of it. And that's the learning process, reaping the rewards for when you succeed, and slowly internalising how things actually work - rather than how you mistakenly fear they work.