I experience disgust and contempt towards someone in my life and I don't know how to proceed.
This person was an abuser throughout my childhood, and they still abuse my grandmother (screaming, uncontrollable emotions). My grandmother also abused them when they were a child.
They have recently (seemingly) started seeking to change because they are incapable of getting along with much of society. I do however feel contempt when I hear them talking about change, because of many failed promises throughout the years where they begged and promised that they would change from their horrifically emotionally unstable ways, but in the end only got even more increasingly unstable and even physically violent.
I think I also experience disgust because of the person's habits- they are unable to comprehend the modern paradigm of boundaries, or even why the things they do rub people the wrong way. They repeatedly refuse to respect boundaries even when told to stop, and this incites a combination of disgust, anger and panic within me- which often leads to explosive arguments.
Even though I feel mostly panic, revulsion and anger when communicating with them, I do notice that I personally have a nasty tone of contempt in my voice when talking to them. I DO NOT like this aspect of myself, regardless of what they have done
I am worried that the disgust and contempt I feel towards this person may become a poor habit and influence the ways in which I treat others.
I do not know how to approach my own contempt and tone. What are some TRP-based first steps I can take towards rebuilding my speech patterns, habits and perceptions?
SeasonedRP 2y ago
Avoid this person completely, even if it is a family member.
mattyanon 2y ago
This does not answer the question being asked
SeasonedRP 2y ago
Yes it does. He wants to know how to proceed and I told him. If he's not around this person he won't have to fix anything. Being around this person is causing him to speak and act in ways he does not like. Rather than adjusting to the problem, I suggested removing the problem. I know people like he describes and the only way to deal with them is to avoid them.
mattyanon 2y ago
He said this:
You said this:
tierteen 2y ago
I'm on the fence between your opinions. It can be answered both ways as OP strongly links his question
with specific person and does not specify - does he want to tackle it in general or in this situation
If OP ie can't remove himself from toxic space I would force myself to conversation with many strangers where no sexual interest exists and to find good people to talk to, to be affirmed that not only toxic people exist - for counterbalance [maybe try charity work in good male environment]. But technically speaking I don't think that this is long term solution. It is like saying balanced men can easily fuck and manage strong BPD/NPD personalities.
It also occured to me - it is like living with parent, at some point either we will move out or... well I don't know I moved out pretty early.
UnhappyAttemptori 2y ago
I can see your point with regards to this specific situation, and am aware of this solution (which I have been actively working towards).
I do also however need some advice on rebuilding my speech patterns, habits and perceptions in a general situation as well, because it seems that mindfulness is not enough to undo a lot of the conditioning and habits acquired in the process of being around this person for extended periods of time.
tierteen 2y ago
IMO.
With respect to time and progress there is little alternative than to have 3rd party to point out your problems, even better specialist. Non-specialist will not work for too long to put time and effort to fix you / work with you.
Then there is self-improvement: videos preferably as we're talking voice and body language on top of words. Then you recording yourself [preferably video] and listening to yourself and judging yourself. NOt only lot of work + proper gear set-up, but also you rely on your perception to correct yourself.
There are good YT channels. From top of my head I have seen folks on forum giving credits to CHarisma on COmmand
mattyanon 2y ago
Fair point
I think both roads are valid here: learn to be a stronger man, but also do his best to avoid toxic people.
mattyanon 2y ago
Look at their actions, ignore their words.
Good.... try to improve this in yourself.
Try to see them as a human who is trying to get through their day...... and try to accept them as they are (flaws and all).
But make sure to maintain your own boundaries while doing this - don't let them into your life nor let them affect you too much.
whytehorse2021 2y ago
Sounds like undiagnosed autism/aspergers or a personality disorder. If that's the case, it's out of your control. Like the others said, you control who you spend time with. Familiarity breeds contempt. I even went to therapy for something similar and the therapist told me to move away from them and cut off all contact. You can try to be tolerant but that only goes so far.