Men get married to have sex, women have sex to stay married ~ someone.

Let's face it: women want marriage very much. Yet, so many women can't seem to achieve this once achievable goal. We usually focus on the woman, today we will back up a bit and discuss marriage itself.

Marriage is a universal human institution. Marriage existed throughout history and geography. The exact laws, customs and culture differ from time to time and from place to place. However, marriage itself remains a constant. Today I'd like to ask the fundamental question of:

What IS marriage anyway?

What underlying principles is marriage built upon? What character traits does it take on? Most importantly - what exactly is our current version of marriage?

A sexual union

In a far away land, long long ago, when our ancestors were cavemen - a person had to get married if they wanted to have sex. Once married, they were committed to sexual exclusivity for life.

In this prehistoric, barbaric, backwards era of long long ago, sexual exclusivity meant two things. A negative - to not have sex with anyone else. A positive- to have sex with your spouse.

Once committed to marriage, divorce was extremely difficult and was only allowed in extreme circumstances. In this context of actual lifelong, exclusive commitment, virginity was highly valued. Because it is the only way to achieve actual lifelong exclusivity.

That was long long ago in a far away land, but today we are in current year in your favorite western country. Today you don't need to get married to have sex. Therefore, today, marriage cannot be about sex!

Indeed! In the current zeitgeist of law and culture, nobody owes sex to anyone. You don't even owe sex to your spouse. Therefore, marriage no longer has any relation to sex at all. You may think that it does or feel that it does, but in reality - it doesn't.

Commitment

In a far away land, long long ago, when our ancestors were cavemen - marriage was a lifetime commitment to which you were actually committed to for life!

There are different methods of committing oneself. A vow, a written contract, a verbal agreement, a public ceremony, religious ceremony or in private. The core idea behind it all is the concept of a lifelong commitment.

Adultery had very bad consequences. Exactly how bad depended on the geographic location of your cave, but one thing was for sure - there were consequences for adultery.

Divorce was also very rare and very difficult. You had to have some extraordinary reason to break your sacred commitment.

That was long long ago in a far away land, but today we are in current year in your favorite western country. Today, we no longer believe in antiquated, silly beliefs like lifelong commitment. Today we are only as commitment as our feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelings in the moment. Which brings us to our next point.

Love

In a far away land, long long ago, when our ancestors were cavemen - marriage was primarily a commitment. Love was an outgrowth of living with and giving to each other. Sometimes the love never came, but usually it did. At least to some degree.

Then came the romantics, who made love the foundation of marriage. Boy did that complicate things, but that's a discussion for another day. Today, many people consider love to be the foundation of marriage.

The problem is that love is an emotion and - by definition (look up the root of the word emotion) - emotions are moving parts.

In other words: to build a lifelong marriage on love, is akin to building a house on a conveyer belt. It's impossible. The house will fall apart. Just look around and you'll see it everywhere. Millions of couples who were totally in loooooooove with each other, are divorced within a few short years.

Children and family

In a far away land, long long ago, when our ancestors were cavemen - a person had to get married if they wanted to have children and a family.

That was long long ago in a far away land, but today we are in current year in your favorite western country. Today, we no longer believe in antiquated, silly beliefs of the traditional family. Today there are 826 (and counting) equally valid forms of family structures. You don't need marriage to have children or a family.

Communism for two

In a far away land, long long ago, when our ancestors were cavemen - a woman had to get married if she wanted to be taken care of - for life - by a man.

Because of biology, men want women and women need men. Therefore, if a woman wanted a man to give her what she needs, she had to give him what he wants.

Marriage was a two way street in which men took most of the responsibility for their women. This gave them corresponding authority over said women.

In simpler terms: a man took care of his woman for life, in exchange for exclusive sexual access, household chores, child bearing and child rearing.

That was long long ago in a far away land, but today we are in current year in your favorite western country. Today, we no longer believe in antiquated, silly beliefs of reciprocal relationships. Today we believe that men ought to provide the world to women and expect nothing in return. Today we believe in communism for two.

Today we believe that expecting anything from a woman is toxic masculinity and rape culture. Once again, you personally may not believe this, but that doesn't matter. Because the law and culture do believe it and will force it upon you, whether you like it or not.

Conclusion

So what IS marriage in today's day and age?

  • It is not about sex, as you can have sex without marriage and your spouse does not owe you sex.

  • It is not about commitment, as we don't believe in that anymore.

  • It Is not about vows, as those don't mean shit.

  • It is not about love, as you can have love without marriage, marriage without love and you cannot sustain a marriage on love alone.

  • It is not about children and family, as you can have those without marriage. Conversely, if you are married, these can be taken away from you at any time.

  • It's not about reciprocity, as that is a misogynistic tool of the patriarchy. Besides, a woman can get her communism from a man in other ways. She does not need to be married or stay married to accomplish this.

So what exactly is left of the husk of marriage, other than obligation for the man and benefit for the woman???

Cheers!